Reply #7: i have had a hard time thinking about what to say in this thread. [View All]

[mopinko]

you said-I am of the opinion that people are best able to determine for themselves what kind of help they need, and that a psychological model that let the patient lead rather than be coerced would be best.

i have been on the other side of this. i have been the one to walk away from that locked door, leaving a child behind. i cannot speak, except as to what i did, and what happened to her and to us.

i think that where she was was a good place, where mostly patients were treated pretty well. by the same token, many patients did have to be brought under some sort of control. medications can take a long time to help. and you don't get in there except when you are a danger to yourself or others. everyone has to stay safe, yet everyone is a danger. so, a fine line must be walked.

at the time, my daughter was a danger to herself, for sure. aside from the cutting that had covered her arms and legs by then, she had developed a fear of me, and an anger toward me, that were completely irrational. this was leading her to test the many things that i had instilled in her about dangers of one kind and another. she was only 15, she was drinking, i believe she was having sex with multiple people, she was doing several drugs. she was staying out all night. she was mostly refusing the medications that she was supposed to be taking, mostly because i was trying to get her to take them, and because i saw how much they were helping her.

she had been in trouble with the police. she would not go to school most days, when she did she just talked and hung out and paid no attention. we grew more and more frightened about what might happen to her, and what she might do to herself. and frankly, to me. her therapist thought she should at least be in a therapeutic school. we tried to get her in, but i didn't know what she was really doing. the therapist did, but could not/would not tell us. he kept calling back after every session, trying to get them to take her. part of the problem was just finding an opening.

finally, they agreed. you cannot imagine the relief. at least for however small number of days that they would keep her, she would be safe. that was what we wanted from them. we wanted them to keep her safe. because we couldn't.

so, here is what i have to say to you-
at that point, in my daughter's eyes, i was evil. i was out to hurt her, destroy her. maybe even kill her. what seemed like the right thing to do to her was to get away from me and everything that i had taught her. to do the opposite.
in every way.
the thing of it is, she was very, very wrong. she was wrong because her brain chemistry was disturbed. her reality was skewed.

it is a conundrum- the whole idea of human minds trying to understand human brains, our own and others. when our chemistry is off, what is right can seem wrong, and what is wrong can seem right. she had the delusion that she was unloved and unlovable. that life was not worth living. that she was stupid, and could not learn. that pain was relief. that bleeding was happiness. that she did not own her own body, and should not protect it. that spirits walked with her. that voices were yelling at her, telling her that she was stupid and worthless.

what we did, and felt that we had to do, was to find a way to stop those dangerous delusions. to break the downward spiral that she was on. really, to do anything. to have her safe, even for a day. because we could not convince her that her feelings were delusions. that delusions were guiding her.

and so we locked her in a psyche ward.
and so then we got her into a therapeutic day school.
and so she has had lots of other help.
and so now, she has been in college for 2 years, and for all that time has had a job. she has a boyfriend that she loves, even though i don't. and now, she is functioning well.
and she knows how much i love her. and she knows how much she loves me, something that the delusions hid from her.

she still has a lot of troubles. her life is hard, she has to keep the delusions away.

but she is in a different place. one where she understands that she is loved.


i hope that you can find some wellness, too.