DU Twelve Steppers: Need info, please.

[Bunny]

Can you tell me about the step involving making amends to people you have wronged?

Someone who wronged me, in a big way, recently told me that he was fresh out of rehab for cocaine and alcohol. That he knows he's been shitty toward me, and is working his program and will contact me at a later date (presumably to make amends).

Where does this step fall in the program? What does making amends mean? And do I have to accept his amends? I am happy that he is receiving help, but I do not feel real forgiving toward him, and doubt that I ever will.

Any insight is appeciated.

[mr_hat]

1. Not a 12-stepper, but I believe making amends

should only be attempted if it causes no further hurt, harm, etc.

[Phillycat]

2. You are not required to do anything.

He does the amends (Step 8 is making the list of people whom you have harmed, and Step 9 is making the amends themselves) in order to maintain his own sobriety and work his program. If he is working the program the way it's outlined, he will approach you in the spirit of "however this person reacts is perfectly okay", so if you need to tell him that you're really angry about specific or general things, that's absolutely appropriate.

By the way, "making amends" doesn't mean saying sorry. Most alcoholics/addicts said sorry over and over again while they were drinking/using. Making amends means making up for past behavior. Paying back money, repairing broken relationships, etc. The first tenet of an amend is "do no harm". You cannot make an amend at the expense of another person. So if you cheated on your wife, and it would hurt your wife to find that out, you can't make an amend to clear your conscience at the expense of hurting your wife.

PM me with any questions. :) Good luck.

[Richardo]

3. My dad went through AA, and IIRC making amends is pretty far along...

My understanding is that the exercise is for the recoverer to admit their past offenses and offer to make amends - the person does not need to accept them.

[mac56]

4. Some 12 step groups urge the person

to get guidance from his/her sponsor before attempting an "amends".

[Phillycat]

5. All 12-step groups. Absolutely. Should be done supervised

because you can easily do more harm than good.

[complain jane]

6. You don't have to accept it.

I haven't been up on 12 step stuff for a long time, but I know it's in there.

This might help: http://www.aa.org/default/en_about.cfm

The amends is really for them. I think it's part of the process of cleaning the slate and trying to start again, and the actual act of making amends is part of the process of starting anew and taking responsibility for their actions.

Hope that helps a little.

[Warpy]

7. I did the Al-Anon thing

and eventually left my alcoholic husband. He got sober a year and a half later, after it finally dawned on him that I was gone but his problems weren't, and in fact they'd gotten worse.

He talked about making amends. I had to tell him that I didn't think there was a way in the world to make amends for years of emotional battery except to recognize who he had been and what he had done and figure out a way to prevent himself from doing it to anyone else. That was the only amends I'd accept, and I'm sure it's been the most difficult thing I could have given him to do.

Financial amends are something else entirely. A lot of substance abusers "borrow" with or without our permission, and that stuff should be repaid in full, with interest.

Good luck to you and your friend. Addiction's a bugger to beat, especially when you realize what a total asshole you'd been on your drug of choice.

[Kire]

8. amends can be made a lot of ways

It can be financial restitution, it can be an explanation (or asking for one) usually accompanied by a hear-felt apology, it can be no further contact whatsoever (if such contact could harm self or others), or it can be a self-deprecating joke, or a combination (this is not an exhaustive list)

but it can't be forced on you -- he can offer the amends, but it is up to you to accept it or not

it always depends on what he did to you in the first place, without knowing that I couldn't imagine what you might expect, in fact, the best amends are surprises

Beware of fake amends. If somebody tells you that they have made amends to you, and you don't feel like they have, well, they haven't.

It's best to get on with your own life and be open to this person when they approach you. But, if you feel like what they did to you is so bad that you or he, or someone else will get hurt, then you might have to tell him to leave you alone. Even if he offers to make amends, and you accept it, doesn't mean that's the end of it, either. It's a relationship, and bad shit can still happen. Be vigilant.

Good luck.

[ismnotwasm]

9. Amends, to those you have harmed

Are mostly for the person who did the harming, cleansing the soul so to speak. There are a lot of anecdotal stories of forgiveness, and renewed friendships, etc. But there are also stories where the harmed person still did not want anything to do with the situation, or the person making amends, and that's OK too. His making the attempt is what is good for his recovery, not your actual acceptance or forgiveness. You DO NOT have to get involved in this. If you are not comfortable, tell him, I'm not comfortable and stay away.(whatever wording)Personally, I believe that it can be good for recovery to learn, no, everybody is not going to be OK with what's been done, and probably won't be in the future either.

[KarenS]

10. you don't have to do it,,,,,

If this person has seriously wronged you & you would be uncomfortable seeing him again ~ definately decline and ask that you not be contacted again. Someone else posted this but I'll repeat it,,,, the Step work is for the addict.

Also, it can be a long time before someone reaches this Step (if they are doing it right)

Don't stress about this and if it's really bothering you, you might try an Alanon meeting or two to discuss it.

[stillcool]

11. I think its the 9th step...

and early in recovery, when going through the steps, that one is often recommended to hold off on. For me,this was the case. I wanted to get through the steps as quickly as possible so I would be happy, joyous and free, but it didn't work that way. It took a good two years in recovery to come even close to the reality of what was and wasn't my responsibility. Even in some cases where I was very wrong I was advised to say nothing, as more harm would come than would be eased. Many times amends are done by way of a third party or an anonymous contribution..subtle things..not just an apology, but an act. It is all about clearing the wreckage of the past and keeping your own side of the street clean. Hope this helps.....