Mayor Daley Vetoes Anti-Slavery Ordinance--News from the Future

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NEWS FROM THE FUTURE, 2015
Mayor Daley Strikes Back at Do-Gooders
Daley deals a death blow to the city’s controversial anti-slavery ordinance

Chicago Baboon—

Three aldermen, including one who can’t wait for the vast increase in housing units the new Slave Plantation would bring to her blighted ward, said they will switch sides and support Mayor Daley’s veto of the anti-slavery re-emancipation ordinance passed recently by the city council.

Being the first controversial veto since 2006’s big-box ordinance veto, Daley mustered the support to make it happen.

“I’m going to change my vote, joining Hizzoner DaMayer in the veto,” said Alderman Shirley Coleman of the 16th ward, known as “Auntie Shirley.” “We need affordable housing in the ward. All the employees at my Wal-Mart’s are desperately crying out for somewhere to live, since their paychecks in no way can cover Chicago’s incredibly high rents. Slavery is a good option for them, as they will have free housing AND one or two squares a day!”

Alderman Danny “Uncle Dan” Solis (25th ward), a long time Daley ally, said, “This is very hard for me, but I have to stay with the Mayor. After all, he’s got nice digs in Bridgeport, and often invites me to dinner there, and sometimes let’s me caddy for him. This ordinance is unfair. There can be slavery plantations in other parts of America. Why not Chicago? We ain’t no second city!”

In his veto edict, Mayor Daley wrote, “I understand and share the desire for people to be free and autonomous. But we have other things to consider. Since I’ve been mayor, affordable housing has decreased drastically. I’m not saying there’s anything wrong with that either. You give your friends in the real estate community incentives to build condos everywhere, and that’s likely to happen. I’m not saying it’s right; I’m not saying it’s wrong. I’m not saying anything, really.

But, folks, think about the free housing and food that slavery provides. Wal-Mart employees can’t begin to afford the kind of digs the Slavery Plantation, once it is built, will provide its workers. Hell, Walmart workers can barely afford to keep bread on the table now. I’m not saying that’s right; I’m not saying that’s wrong. I’m just saying.

And don’t forget healthcare. The plantation owners promise to provide doctors for all their slaves. That’s even better than any big box store has ever offered. Why, just think of the savings to our citizens. We might even be able to close Cook County Hospital, and transfer the proceeds to my new Billenium Park project.”

Alderman George Cardena (12th), who voted in favor of re-emancipation earlier but signaled a possible switch just afterward, then a possible switch back, then another switch, then couldn’t be found for awhile, then was spotted in Gurnee, then switched again, and then announced he might, possibly, maybe, if the moon was in Venus, switch again, said he would also join with Daley.

Cardenas changed sides after being spoken to by Mayor Daley in harsh, reserved tones.

“My choice is based on my belief in Hizzoner DaMayor’s history of doing good things for the city,” Cardenas said in a press release. “Look how wonderful Chicago looks. We got a big, shiny bean downtown, and flowers in the middle of avenues, and all the tourists who come just love the parts of Chicago Mayor Daley has paid attention to.”

When asked what the Mayor’s beautification projects had to do with the Slavery Plantation, Gardenas ran and hid behind a fern.

“I’m angry but not surprised,” said Alderman Joe Moore, of the 49th ward. “Everytime we make an appeal on behalf of doing what’s morally right, the Mayor freaks.” Moore, one of the co-sponsors of the anti-slavery re-emancipation act, was also the sponsor of the media-maligned big-box ordinance, which attempted to promote fair wages for common workers.

“The media has certainly been after me on this one.” When the media were asked to respond to this accusation, they were out cherry-picking and could not be reached for comment.

Opponents of the ordinance applauded Mayor Daley’s action. Said Gerald Roper, president of the Chicago Chamber of Commerce in Humans, “It’s encouraging for all business owners in this city to know that they will never be burdened again with having to pay workers. As you well know the only cost businesses can manipulate is labor costs, because all other costs are fixed. So if you want to maximize your cost-cutting measures in order to assure the highest profit, slavery is the way to go. It’s pure Milton Friedman economics.”

Friedman, it turns out, is a famous Chicagoan.

The anti-slavery re-emancipation act was passed 33-14 by the council in December. Moore would need to gain 34 votes to override a veto, but now it appears he will fall short of the needed votes.

Wal-Mart’s, Lowe’s, and Target Corp. said they were putting in plans for adding slaves to their, for lack of a better word, payrolls. “We commend Hizzoner DaMayor for vetoing this ordinance and ensuring more opportunities for slaveholding. Seeing how we have often made people work for free by requiring them to punch off the clock but return to their posts to “finish” their tasks, slavery is a natural progression for us,” said Michael Lewis, a Wal-Mart senior vice president.

“Keep in mind that we will not make the same mistakes of the past. In the future, slavery will be fair and equitable. All races, creeds, and colors will have an opportunity to work for free, that is, if they’re not well-borne.”

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