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Throughout the Kazuko pieces I detect a great fragility and impending breakdown. The moments between the narrator and Kazuko are touching and real, but I can’t escape the feeling that it’s always on the verge of falling apart despite the wishes and efforts of the two characters. That may or may not be your intent, but the narrative is moving steadily in that direction, and the reader feels a curious helplessness in watching it occur, knowing that the characters are equally helpless to avoid it.
Paragraph One
I know nothing of Kamakura—is the bronze Buddha a specific and well-known landmark? If so, then a clarification—even a single word—would help the reader; you could say “the famous bronze Buddha” or something similar. If it’s not famous, then it’s odd that the narrator refers to it as the bronze Buddha. You might combine the two sentences about her praying and head-bowing because it feels a little artificial to separate them. Also, if her head is bowed and she’s clearly praying, then “in reverence” becomes redundant and can be removed.
What is the narrator’s religion? To refer to “the Christians” suggests to me that, at least at the time of the story, the narrator is Christian. That’s hardly central, but if he considers himself Christian then I wonder why he chose that phrasing, which seems conspicuous here. In any case, the phrase “the Christians will do” is a little awkward and should be reworked. Otherwise the image is clear and vivid.
I think you can shorten “honor and pray to many Gods” to “honor many Gods” because it reads more cleanly and doesn’t repeat the syllable “pray.” Also, should it be Gods or gods in this context? I think the latter.
“In the surrounding country there are other Gods.” That’s a really nice image, evoking the magical nature of the place and the narrator’s memory. I’d remove “there” because it’s not needed, and double-check the capital G. Might you name the Goddess of Love? I don’t know the pantheon, but it would give good depth to the moment and make the scene more personal.
Paragraph Two
Aren’t all gardens in Japan “Japanese gardens?” Or does the term refer to a specific style that is distinguished by name, even in Japan? If all gardens in Japan fit in this category, then remove “Japanese” from this sentence. “Special tea from tiny cups” is a good image. Give us a phrase or a sentence to suggest why it’s a place of significance; otherwise it doesn’t have much for the reader! You could say “She explains that it is a place of significance, where a battle was fought in centuries past” or whatever. Just something to make us believe that it’s significant beyond Kazuko’s say-so. If you identify the historical significance, then the narrator’s follow-up sentence acquires more power. That is, he’s saying that, to him, sipping tea with Kazuko is more significant than an ancient battle (or whatever). The closing sentence is simple and excellent.
Paragraph Three
Remove “Enoshima” from the second sentence, and remove the third sentence entirely (i.e., I’ve never seen a pottery shop where they don’t make and sell pottery!) The closing sentence is very good (effectively echoing a sentiment centuries old!), and it hints at the impending breakdown that I mentioned above. I like that you chose “perfect things” instead of “perfection.” There’s the capital G again. Incidentally, the phrase “built in” should be hyphenated.
Paragraph Four
I don’t think that we need to know that the lobby is large because it’s a flat description. Instead, consider using “The floor of the hotel lobby is made of…” instead, because this immediately moves us to the more interesting description. Is the wood really sanded “fine,” or is it sanded “smooth?” A minor distinction, but the word-choice caught my attention. The green concrete is interesting—I like it.
Paragraph Five
I would skip the phrase “Japanese style” because your subsequent description reveals the style on its own. Rather than “I will have a cooked fish,” which suggests a prediction of events to come (such as on a future visit to the hotel), how about “I order cooked fish” instead? “Strange things” is a little clunky and ultimately doesn’t yield a very strong image. However, the closing phrase is amusing—might you rework the sentence while retaining the gist of it?
Epigraph
The multiple repetitions of “sing,” “sang,” and “song” are a little problematic. I have to confess also that I’m troubled by the siren imagery, because the Sirens of myth were the bane of sailors, luring them to their destruction, whereas Kazuko seems like anything but doom to the narrator. And that’s part of the problem—if she does wind up causing his doom (even metaphorically), then the image of Sirens will seem very hokey in retrospect. But if she doesn’t doom him, then the image seems out of place. It’s clever to employ another reference to sailors’ lore (like Hornblower in the previous excerpt), and it’s also clever to apply Sirens—a Homeric image—to an Asian setting, but it still doesn’t quite work for me.
You can use the word “lay” in the first line, but only if the sentence is past-tense. Otherwise it should be “lie.”
Paragraph Five
“Hand in hand as lovers do” is something of a cliché, I’m afraid, though the image is nice. But they walk to the edge of which water? The community bath? That’s the only water we’ve seen in this excerpt, but I sense that that’s not what you’re referring to. Ultimately I’m not sure that this paragraph is useful because it does little except describe the path and stairs. I think the paragraph could be omitted.
Paragraph Six
“Botanist” shouldn’t be capitalized. “Had planted” is the past perfect tense and isn’t quite appropriate here. I’d suggest the simple past tense instead: “botanist planted exotic plants on the island.” I have a hard time envisioning “exotic plants” in this context; are they exotic relative to Japan, such as indigenous African plants? Or are they exotic relative to a westerner but common to Japan? The image could gain quite a bit from a little clarification. Instead of “Here and there are little signs describing…” I’d suggest “Little signs describe the plants,” because the verb “describe” is stronger than the verb “are.” Consider rewording and merging the final two sentences.
Paragraph Seven
You could omit “Kazuko and I” because “we” really implies no one else. You might combine the second and third sentences. I’m a little confused—the first sentence implies that you’re seated on the cliff itself, but the third sentence implies that you’re at a table. Which is it? The fossilized sea turtles (whatever they really are) are a great image.
Be careful not to over use the word or concept “forever,” which appears repeatedly throughout these excerpts. Used a few times, the word has power, but the power fades if the word is applied indiscriminately.
Paragraph Eight
Rather than “cones of white” which seems artificially poetic, how about “white cones” instead? In the second sentence we see that Kazuko has ordered Conch broth, and in the third we see that her broth has Conch in it. That seems kind of redundant to me—can you combine the sentences? “Kazuko delicate with her chopsticks” is a gorgeous image—very nice. I’m troubled by “Japanese fashion.” I mean, she’s native Japanese, and she’s in Japan, so I wouldn’t expect her to eat like a Packers fan at a tailgate party. I think you can omit the phrase here because it almost makes the narrator sound weirdly obsessive about her Japanese-ness. I like that the narrator still doesn’t recognize most of what she’s eating, though “mystery foods” is a little colloquial. Consider using “side dishes unknown to me” or “side dishes that I don’t recognize” or something similar.
Is that green sauce wasabi? Boy, she ain’t kidding!
I use soy sauce on my rice and sip the delicious conch broth with a spoon. I find my strong young teeth cannot chew the conch so I slip it to the dog waiting patient beneath the table. I notice he does not eat it either.
Paragraph Nine
This paragraph is great—I can really see the young sailor trying to make a good impression while trying to chew through tough rubber! You could probably omit the phrase “waiting patient” because it doesn’t add much, but it’s hysterical that the dog can’t chew it either. And I suspect that the dog wouldn’t be as discrete as Eddie san about it! Very, very nice!
Paragraph Ten
Wonderful! These three sentences, all by themselves, characterize the young narrator’s love succinctly and honestly, and he really seems like a sincere, lovestruck young man. There’s a sense of peace and simple happiness here that works as a nice counterpoint to the tragic circumstances of Kazuko’s life and the circumstances that brought an American military man to her land.
I hate to say it, but even this moment of tranquility underscores the feeling of trouble ahead, like the calm before the storm. The meal becomes even more poignant because we know basically what’s around the corner for these two, especially because they themselves might also know it, too.
I love that their physical interaction is limited and discrete. Walking hand in hand, though cliché, is I think a largely western cliché; in Japan it might easily be taboo to walk in public in such a fashion with a “tainted” girl. This, too, speaks of the innocence of their love, as if they don’t care what others think—not other Japanese, not Eddie’s shipmates, no one!
For the last excerpt or two I’ve begun to be concerned that the style of diction might not work well in a longer piece. The short, repetitive sentence structure is effective in short bursts, but over the long haul they become kind of choppy and start to become clunky in the reader’s ear. You can still use them, but vary the structure a bit so that NOUN-VERB NOUN-VERB doesn’t resonate too strongly after a while.
Still good stuff. You’re weaving a warm and sad tale, and the progression is admirably patient and restrained.
May I ask if Kazuko is still alive? When did you last have contact with her?
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