The Game...........caution; this gets explicit! You have been warned....

[CaliforniaPeggy]

"Are ya comfy?" His arm snugged around my shoulders. I leaned back against him and sighed.. "Oh, yes sweetie, thanks! I sure am..."

The fall sunlight cascaded across the floor. We sat snuggled on the couch in his family room, watching the big screen TV. The Game was on.

"Now tell me what you know about football..."
"Well, not a heck of a lot....." My voice trailed off. For a few moments, I just sat there and considered what to say to him. Sports had never been a big part of my life, and now that was seemingly about to change. Maybe.....

So I told him what I knew......and we watched the Game..."Well now, that's not too bad.....I think you might make an apt pupil." He grinned at me..."OK..now watch what they're doing right now..did you see that? This is called a ...." I watched and listened as intently as I could.

But it wasn't easy. So many strange terms and rules and whatnot...Plus being there next to him, with his arm around me..I was so intoxicated that I could hardly see straight, much less think analytically. But he had so much discipline that I had to make the effort. I had to please him.....Everything was riding on this Game.

Suddenly I sat bolt upright...."Wait a minute! Didn't they just do what you said? What do you call this play? My god, it makes sense!" The popcorn bounced off my lap onto the floor..."Oh, sorry! Here, I'll pick it up. What a mess....oh I'm so sorry!" I jumped off the couch, out of his embrace and scrambled onto the floor to retrieve the spilled popcorn. "Oh jeez, I'm such a klutz!" My heart pounded as I cleaned up the mess. He just smiled at me, understanding me.

"Hang on a sec...here, use this ...I spill the stuff all the time, ya know? Don't worry, my sweet Kate..." He handed me the dust bin and the whisk broom and I quickly cleaned it up.

My heart continued to bang. I sat back down and tried to collect myself as best I could. I could feel how pink my face was...And when I can feel it, it really shows. He settled his arm around me again just as though nothing had happened. I sighed and snuggled against his shoulder. I felt so safe there, so loved, so needed. He was silent. The Game proceeded. Then the half time came on. He muted the commercials.

We sat quietly, just watching without the sound on. I felt his hand tighten its grip on my shoulder. I turned to look up into his face. He sat forward to gaze down into mine. How I wanted him, to kiss and touch him. But was this the time? I didn't know. I hardly dared ask with my eyes. He looked into me, and he saw what I was feeling.

He reached for me, and removed my glasses.....then his kisses came down over me like wildfire. He pulled me against his body and caressed my face, and my breasts.....His tongue probed my mouth and I tasted him. Such sweetness I had never felt before.....A shiver ran down my right leg and I realized I was turned on.......And I knew he was as well.....

I could hardly think......I wanted him so much...as he did me...but now? It seemed premature somehow. The Game was about to resume. I sighed again. He smiled. "You know I want you, don't you? But let's finish the Game...after all, we have all night for each other.."

We settled back into our seats, his arm around my shoulders. My pounding heart gradually slowed back to near normal...I wondered if it would ever be normal again around him. His shoulder was so firm and strong, such a safe place for me. He ran his hand through my hair and mussed it completely. I snuggled against him. Joy filled me to the brim. "Would you please give me back my glasses? I can't see the Game that well without them." I smiled; my turn for smiling now...

He handed them to me. "So, how do you like this game? You seem absorbed enough..."

"Oh, I like it! You've given me a very good understanding of what's happening in just a few phrases..and you made it understandable as well. I never thought I'd like it this much." I gazed intently at the screen, at the young men struggling to score and the others trying to keep them from it. I felt enthralled, alive with it.

So we watched. I had my questions, he had answers. It was turning out to be a very fun afternoon. My attention turned more and more to the strategy and tactics of the Game, and he explained those to me. I could not believe how much interesting stuff was happening on screen...

I sat forward, watching ever more intently. I scarcely felt him rub my back.....or ruffle my hair...Suddenly, I saw something... I gestured at the screen in my excitement.....I turned to smile at him in my discovery, only to find him looking at me in an odd way. My smile vanished.

"Will, what's the matter? You look upset, my dear... " I felt anxious suddenly. A hollow place opened in my belly.....

"Hm..I didn't expect you to like it this much.......Don't get me wrong, I'm glad you like it.....but I'm competing with the Game for your attention." He scowled.

"Is that it? Oh Will, you shouldn't worry....You are way more important than this Game." I caressed his cheek, and he turned his face into my hand and kissed my palm. And then he came into my arms completely.....I knew it was time for us....

He reached for the remote, and turned off the Game......and turned on the one we would play.........
I pulled at my shirt and unbuttoned the few buttons at the throat....and then I stood and pulled off my pants....He watched me undress with avid eyes......next came my bra.....and then the ultimate piece....my panties.....

I sank down next to him on the couch.....he took me in his arms and touched my face gently.....his kisses roused me. His tongue met mine.....And then I felt him lay me back on the couch as he went down on his knees next to me....His hands and mouth covered me.....My pussy opened for him......and he licked me and drank me to ecstatic heights unknown to me before then. Suddenly I was coming, coming, coming......his erection met my soft wetness.....and we joined each other in the heights of orgasm.

Our Game of Love.....the first of many such........Touchdown.......

[Name removed]

1. Deleted message

Message removed by moderator. Click here to review the message board rules.

[Kenroy]

2. Did you write that?

And is it based on a true story?

[CaliforniaPeggy]

3. Yes, I did write it.......

And no, it is entirely fiction......

Is there anything else you'd like to know?

Did you like/enjoy it? Do you have any criticism? I do mean ANY, BTW.

[ChavezSpeakstheTruth]

4. Um........wow......

just...um.....wow.......

[CaliforniaPeggy]

5. Thank you!

:blush:

[arwalden]

6. My two favorite lines...

<< He looked into me, and he saw what I was feeling. >>

My imagination races with all the possibilities of what this could mean. -- Did he see WHAT she was feeling? Or did he see HOW she was feeling? There's a difference.

<< "You know I want you, don't you? But let's finish the Game...after all, we have all night for each other.." >>

That one just cracked me up. I'm not sure if you meant it to be funny, or if my weird sense of humor is overly active.

[CaliforniaPeggy]

7. Hi, arwalden...Thanks for coming by, reading, and commenting!

That first line: he saw WHAT she was feeling, not how...this is a more poetic line, not meant to be analyzed too closely. I am describing feelings more than anything else here.

I have no idea why the second line cracked you up. I did not mean it to be funny. But that's OK...if it works for you that way, then that's the way it is. Everyone interprets stories in their own way, depending on their own particular point of view.

Did you like it?


:hi:

[arwalden]

8. Hi Peggy!!

<<That first line: he saw WHAT she was feeling, not how...this is a more poetic line, not meant to be analyzed too closely. I am describing feelings more than anything else here.>>

Okay... I understand... I just have a dirty mind. "What" she was feeling puts a more graphic image in my head.

<<I have no idea why the second line cracked you up. I did not mean it to be funny. >>

Ooo! I didn't mean to offend and if I did, I'm sorry. It just sounded like a line that one might hear at the end of a Saturday Night Live sketch.

<< But that's OK...if it works for you that way, then that's the way it is. Everyone interprets stories in their own way, depending on their own particular point of view. >>

I guess I just don't relate very well to heterosexual relationship encounters and scenarios. :hi:

<< Did you like it? >>

Technically, stylistically, it was fine... the subject matter just wasn't my cup of tea. But what do I know?

[CaliforniaPeggy]

9. You did NOT offend me, my dear!

And BTW, having a dirty mind is probably a prerequisite for enjoying this sort of thing!

Of course, your own orientation would keep you from really enjoying it. I'd forgotten that when I asked you if you enjoyed it!

I do appreciate your comments very much!
:hi:

[Aristus]

10. Excuse the expression, CalPeg, but,

I think you nailed it. Erotic fiction is a tough genre to do well. Looks like you're off to a good start. :-) B-)

[CaliforniaPeggy]

11. Hoo boy, my dear Aristus....but you scared me!

All I saw was "excuse the expression" before I saw the rest, and I thought you didn't like it!

Thank you so much. I felt good about this one as well......You just never know what's cooking in my brain!

:blush:

[Aristus]

12. Well, I do NOW!

:evilgrin:

You'll have to share more sometime. B-)



Sorry, I'm SUCH a horndog! :7

[CaliforniaPeggy]

13. ROFLMAO!

I don't ALWAYS think like this! I mean REALLY! Aristus.....

It's OK...I rather expect a young man like yourself to be a horndog!

I answered your PM, BTW........thank you!



:evilgrin:

[knowbody0]

14. you go girl!

i really enjoyed reading this my friend. you unlocked memories for me as well.
thankyou

[CaliforniaPeggy]

15. Ah, my dear KnowbodyO.....

I thank you.....

I hope your memories aren't painful ones......

I am very pleased that you enjoyed reading it......

:hug:

[knowbody0]

16. nothing but bliss, baby

hope to read more of your stuff. your'e goooooood!

[CaliforniaPeggy]

17. Thank you, my dear KnowbodyO......

You just rescued my evening!

Right now, my muse is silent....but I'm sure she will give me a well-deserved kick in the head one of these days.....

And something hopefully worthwhile will come forth......

Thank you......:hug:

[RetroLounge]

18. Wow. Talented AND sexy.

:yourock:

:hi:

RL

[CaliforniaPeggy]

19. My dear RetroLounge.....

I thank you.......Who knew, huh?

I have discovered that I can write erotica.....

I am amazed at myself...... :blush:

Edited to add: How did you find this? Do you stroll through here now and then, or did someone tell you?

[NMMNG]

20. Wow Peggy

I'm getting to know a whole new side of you.

And I like it.

[CaliforniaPeggy]

21. My dear Buffy!

I have surprised a lot of people, it seems......

Glad you like my little story! :blush:

[NMMNG]

22. What is that blushing all about?

You are a vivacious, sensual woman. Live it. Express it. Own it. :thumbsup:

[frogmarch]

23. You have

a knack for writing convincing dialogue, as well as a natural, easy-to-read narrative style. Nice work, Peggy!

[CaliforniaPeggy]

24. My dear frogmarch.....

I thank you so much.....

Such praise from another writer is sweet indeed!

And this particular story needs more polishing, to my eye now. I wrote it last year.

I'm thinking of embedding it into a larger work.

[Droopy]

25. You gotta dig a chick who likes football :-)

It's a good story, Peggy, and I think you should submit it to some nudie mags and see what happens. One thing, though. Your story would read better if you did away.....with.....this....stuff. Just say no to the ellipsis. It's okay when you are posting on DU, but not when you submit a story for publication. That's my only real criticism. An editor will trash your story if it is not grammatically correct.

[CaliforniaPeggy]

26. My dear Droopy!

I thank you for all your comments, and I mean that! I fully realize what you're saying about the ellipses...oops! I do like to write like that.

But you are so very correct, and those are going to disappear when/if I decide to try and publish it.

There are some other changes that I want to make as well. And as I mentioned, I think I might embed it in a longer piece about these two people.

Glad you liked it!

[Wetzelbill]

27. Could use some water here!

:)

A few simple things about technique. You sometimes get redundant with verbs. For example: "We sat snuggled on the couch in his family room, watching the big screen TV." This is right at the beginning and "sat snuggled" are two verbs that lose pop when they are put together. You could be more efficient by just using "snuggled."

Also, in using the word "sat" in several other places, it's fine, but you could find something more muscular to utilize. Much the way "snuggled" works well in the other sentence I mentioned. For example:"My heart continued to bang. I sat back down and tried to collect myself as best I could." You could say something like: "I wiggled back down" or "I scooted back down." Something that conjures an image. It would also work if you say eliminated saying things like: "to collect." The word "to" is easily eliminated, as it can be redundant. You do not want to constantly say "to" or "to be" it doesn't read as well. Especially if you were to read it out loud. So you could make a sentence like this:" I scooted back down, collecting myself as best as I could."

Another simple technique is to try to eliminate writing "I" all the time. It makes your work more effective and readable if you don't keep saying "I..I..I" throughout the whole story. So if you can go through and figure out a different way to approach a sentence rather than saying "I" several times in it. Like this passage for instance: "I sat forward, watching ever more intently. I scarcely felt him rub my back.....or ruffle my hair...Suddenly, I saw something... I gestured at the screen in my excitement.....I turned to smile at him in my discovery, only to find him looking at me in an odd way. My smile vanished." Filled with "I's" right? Try something like this: "I sat forward, watching ever more intently, scarcely feeling him rubbing my back.....or ruffling my hair....Suddenly, I saw something, then gestured at the screen in excitement.....turning, smiling at him in my discovery...." Ok, that is a little rough for an explanation, but something similar to that should help you eliminate the extra "I's."

Also, to help a sentence flow, you should try keeping the important information at the end. Now you can't do that all the time otherwise paragraphs start sounding staccato, but in general it's best to write in this manner. It makes sentences and paragraphs pop and resonate. For example: "He watched me undress with avid eyes." The important part of this sentence is the action. Which is him watching the female character undressing. You want to end with that image. So you may want to try saying it like this: "With avid eyes, he watched me undress." Now, it's tricky sometimes doing that, because, like I said, if you solely do every sentence like that it gets staccato. But you'll find in certain places it helps with rhythm.

Other than that, you do a great job telling the story. Selling it. Description. You are at your strongest in portraying klutziness as a both loving and sexy trait. It is actually. Klutzy women are very attractive. I find them extremely sexy. Also, Kate is a fantastic name. It's curt, quick to say and has two hard sounds in it. It's usually short for Katherine(many spellings to that) which is an elegant name. Kate is the shorter sexy version of that elegance. I think it works well. You do a nice job here. I'm a literary nerd, so, you know, I like to analyze writing. I hope you find this helpful. I enjoyed it. :)

[CaliforniaPeggy]

28. My dear Wetzelbill.......

I thank you for these very constructive comments! I really appreciate your detailed thinking.....

I am going to revise it, of course, and your ideas will be brought into play.

I am so glad you like it! It was meant to be enjoyed, after all! :)

[Wetzelbill]

29. yes, it was fun

I don't mind graphic stuff. Life is graphic, so I figure art should be as well. :)

[Canuckistanian]

30. So? How did it end? I'm dying to know...

Who won the game?

[CaliforniaPeggy]

32. Who won?

My characters did! :hi:

[Canuckistanian]

34. LOL

Hi, Peggy! Good story. :hi:

[CaliforniaPeggy]

35. I thank you so much! I had fun writing it..........

:hi: back atcha.....

[Missy Vixen]

31. It seems

The Game was just beginning, Peggy! :blush:

Good job!
Julie

[CaliforniaPeggy]

33. My dear Julie.....

You could see it that way.....

I thought they both won!

Thanks for coming by! :hi:

[WritingIsMyReligion]

36. Woo...It's Peg writing explicit stuff!

*dances*

Verra nice, my Kalleefornyay friend!

:hi:

[CaliforniaPeggy]

37. My dear WIMR........

Glad you liked it.....I guess! Nah, just kidding....

Welcome to adult erotica, sweetie!

:hi:

[WritingIsMyReligion]

38. Trust me, this isn't my first foray.

My mind is dir-tay, and my curiosity has led me to many the gem of a sex scene embedded in a book....

:evilgrin:

:hi:

[BikeWriter]

39. Uh, yes. Ahem, I include eroticism in all my own books...

You're good at writing it, Peggy. B-)

[CaliforniaPeggy]

40. Ah, thank you, my dear BikeWriter......

I saw and answered your PM......

I appreciate your remarks!

:blush:

[Call Me Wesley]

41. Very nice read!

Erotic stories are so hard to write to have them authentic, but this is authentic and good. I especially like the conversation, it seems so natural.

The only thing I dont' like so much is your use of the dots ..... I think I know what you want to achieve there, and it might be interesting for yourself to use a hard return instead of them once. Or just a single dot. Look how it looks.

Here, we consider '...' a sentence of its own. Use rarely in literature; use it as you like in whatever else you write.

I really like the subtleness of what is going on - the images are vivid without details. :thumbsup:

:loveya:

[CaliforniaPeggy]

42. My dear Call Me Wesley!

Thank you so much! I truly appreciate your review...

I love using ellipses, but I know they have to go! That's just one of the things I need to do in editing it.

Glad you came by!

:loveya:

[Call Me Wesley]

43. Editing stories is fun!

Honestly, that's - in my opinion - the real writer's work. To condense and to get rid.

I found another 'short short short story' that's translated. I'll post it.

[Haole Girl]

44. Wow, you are such a good writer!

I was just praying nobody was looking over my shoulder, at work, while I read it!

Seriously, though, it was so vivid...so intense....so-- wow!

Please keep writing, no matter what!