I have something to say about being poor and desperate

[FirstLight]

I want to post this – and yet I hesitate.
first read, then watch...
http://www.ourtahoe.org:16080/customfiles/margerumMarsh/index.html

I have been free from a domestic violence marriage for 4 ½ years and I still fear that somehow, putting anything about myself out there will get the “wrong” kind of attention. So please feel free to reply and tell me I am safe here.

With DU, I have found a voice and learned more about my fate and the fate of those like me than I care to ever know. I have dared to hope in change and politics again. And at the same time I fear that change may not come in time to help our already desperate situation. I am full of fear… fear for the future, fear of tomorrow and how to make my rent and whatnot. I have never had credit in my adult life, I have been on and off of welfare and only have 3 kids and an AA degree to my name, though I am intelligent and driven – it doesn’t seem to make much of a difference in the way my life works.
I have begun hoarding rice and flour for rougher times, I plan to use my stimulus check to build a home-made solar generator, I wish I could just “cash in my chips” and go live on the Indian reservation. I crave a simpler life and feel that I can’t ever “make it “in the corporate-white-man’s world.
This society is not set up to honor mothers or women for what we DO. Hillary or Oprah or any other public figure has no idea what it is to have to decide to feed your children the last of the meat or vegetables and go hungry because they come first. People on the street don’t know that I can’t go to my bank to cash a check, because of a glitch that makes me owe them money, so they will just take whatever I have - without regard to my need for gas or food for my family.
Frustration doesn’t even begin to describe the edge that I live on every day. I have days that I feel accomplished and have worked hard and created much – only to find another bill that can’t be paid in the mailbox or a notice saying my ex has vanished again and the much needed child support is gone.
What do I do? I strive, I do laundry, I cook, I clean, I work and I hope. I pray that we can stay safe, amidst all this insanity this world has become. And we are but a small fragment of a population on the edge or worse. I cry for those women who can’t feed their children or who have lost their families in this war – American or Iraqi or Afghanistanian … I weep for all of us. Trying to raise our kids with some sense that they can do more or be better…
I wish for SO much more than I can ever see ahead….


EDIT to add: the film was done as a senior project by a local journalism student. It was different being the subject of the interviews, but she pulled it off beautifully! It has also opened my eyes to pursuing journalism as a degree again.

[gateley]

1. You're safe here.

:hug:

And you make many meaningful, poignant and accurate points.

I wish so much more for you, too. I wish you happiness, serenity and freedom from fear.

[FirstLight]

3. thanks so much

:cry:

[Dammit Ann]

4. Seconded, well said.

Freedom from fear... powerful.

[Dammit Ann]

2. Wow.

Thank you for the perspective. Poverty has plagued me on and off for all of my life. I have no children and in a lot of ways I am grateful, yet wistful. You are so talented, wonderful film. It is so hard these days, I know, and hard to see beyond. All we truly have is our hope.

[MercutioATC]

5. I've known a few women who were victims of abuse...

...some as children, some as adults.

Overwhelmingly, their toughest enemy has been themselves.


I've never dealt with firsthand abuse, so I don't claim to understand in that sense. However, I've seen some beautiful and competent people limit their lives because of negative experiences.

DU can be a great place, but it can also be a cruel place. Don't put too many of your eggs here if you're in the least bit fragile. It sounds to me like you're on a track that'll work for you.

As far as a solar system I'm no expert, but I'm looking into the same things and I might have stumbled upon some ideas that would apply to what you're thinking of. Feel free to PM me if you want any input.

[FirstLight]

7. I'll keep you in mind

I found a site that tells ou how to build a solar gen for under $300...my dad is a retired electrician (a little senile, too) and my oldest son is an engineering whiz at 15...so I hope they will make it a summer projet together. I'l look for the link and PM you and we'll compare notes...cool!

[MercutioATC]

10. By the way, I did watch the vid.

From what I can see, you do have all of your marbles...there's nothing wrong with you :)

It sounds trite, but "success" (however you define it) is mostly just being comfortable in your own skin. You seem to have that...at least tentatively. If your vid is anything like your life, you should definitely be comfortable.


...as far as the solar, let me know. Sometimes you can get an actual savings and a cool science project in the same effort.

[FirstLight]

13. haha

I was really good at marbles as a kid! lol

thanks

[bobbolink]

23. "their toughest enemy has been themselves."

Geeeeez, yet one more blaming the victims?????

You're free to walk in my shoes whenever you wish... then you will see that the REAL enemies are those who insist on making US the enemy.. making US the ones who are always wrong.

GUILT is the worst there is...

Please, I'm asking you very politely here (and DU being what it is, I'll most likely get a defensive attack back) PLEASE refrain from adding more to the pain we are already feeling.

We are NOT "our own worst enemy".

That kind of thinking and speaking must end.

We are good, kind and thoughtful people.

Enough.

[MercutioATC]

25. Not what I meant at all...but thanks for the unsubstianted attack.

It's been my experience that victims of abuse, male and female, are much more likely to suffer from low self esteem and a difficulty in relating to others in a healthy way. They're perfectly capable people, but they don't feel that way.

My statement was meant to encourage people to realize that there's nothing wrong with them, their difficulties are environmental. Working to not internalize their difficulties can make a huge difference in how they feel about themselves and their relationships with others.

[bobbolink]

26. Nobody attacked *YOU*. What I'm saying is that this is EXACTLY the sort of thing

that we get all the time.

It's more guilt.

Rather than being defensive, what I said can lead you to understanding how we are hurt and have more piled on us.

You can then use that to word your thoughts differently.

What you said later in this post, after you got off the "attack" business, is supportive and caring. THAT is what we need to hear.

I don't think it's too much to ask to remember that we've all been hurt so much, and are working so hard to get beyond that hurt, that we need people to be careful in how they express their thoughts to us.

It's clear you are able to express it in a caring way.

I hope you will remember to do that in the future.

Thank you.

[FirstLight]

29. Both of you are right in different ways.

I agree that when there is a lack of others to do it for me - I pick up the "beat myself" stick very easily and inflict my judgement on myself. My therapist/mentor says it's called a "racket" and a mechanism of the way that abuse cycle (among other issues) works. When unable to get nurtured properly, or taught that one is less than worthy, a protection kicks in and it ends up preventing us from getting exactly what we need the most.
So there's that piece

BUT
I also know the shame of just having been involved in the situation.
That I let myself fall into it, that I bought the crap, and the backhand that came with it for even a minute.
That I had kids with the creep... that I actually thought we could have a happy family at one time.
That's the stain that doesn't wash off. I will always feel that cloud of shame and feel as if I were wearing a mask in public.
Like if the world actually knew even a scrap of the truth, they react to me in a less than okay way. Like my victimhood wil rub off, taint them in some way. There's the recoil factor from others, which adds to the guilt in myself
so there is that part to consider as well.

so the duality fo the awfullnes is there, and at least we can understand the coin has two sides and be more aware of it
and love and learn together more and help others
:grouphug:

[MercutioATC]

30. Journalgrrl, I can't speak for everybody but many people won't judge you based on

your past experiences. They'll make an impression of you based on how you've handled your past and where you are now.

We all experience things. We all make less-than-perfect decisions at times. There is no "stain"...there need be no guilt. There is no such thing as a "Norman Rockwell" home. We all go through our crises and we all make decisions that harm us sometimes. The measure of our character isn't what we've screwed up, it's in the way we've dealt with the repercussions of our decisions.

You sound like you're dealing with them well.


Bobbolink's correct in the sense that I'm not one to blow sunshine up another's ass. We're dealt the hands we're dealt. The way in which we handle those situations, however, is what's important. The fact that you had the strength to leave an abusive relationship tells me that you're not weak. The fact that you are courageous enough to let us see who you are, faults included, tells me that you're open and more than capable of success. Frankly, if I thought that you were a self-pitying "victim" I wouldn't have responded to your post.

I apologize if I seemed insensitive in my earlier posts. That certainly wasn't my intention. I can understand your situation from a second-hand viewpoint and, frankly, I don't see anything wrong with you. You sound like a sane, caring, capable person.

...and, regardless of the flak it's generated here, I'd encourage you to believe that. There's nothing wrong with you...you're obviously a very capable person. The sooner you can be comfortable internalizing that, the sooner you'll allow yourself to be comfortable.

[bobbolink]

32. You are NOT to blame. It's not YOUR shame!

I don't fully agree with your therapist on this.

We've gone WAAAAY overboard with the "responsibility" schtick.

Other than that, I won't say more, as it's your choice in how you want to see it.

But *I* won't see you as to blame. *I* won't see it as your shame.

Never.

:hug:

It's time for us as a society, as a culture to drop these hurtful words and phrases of blame. It does NOT make people stronger. It weakens people.

The "RESPONSIBLITY" is on learning to use strenghtening words, not weakening words.

[lligrd]

6. Great Post.

I think that even many of us that don't have it as hard as you feel like giving up some of the time.

[Maddy McCall]

8. From one domestic violence survivor to another...

you are safe here, welcomed here, and admired by those of us for the fighter that you are, doing all you can to preserve yourself and your children.

I am your fan.

:hug:

[FirstLight]

9. Thank for being such a sweetie

if you ever want to rant or share stories, pm me.
I got past the initial shock and recovery, but still find it is hard to feel "normal" at times. Like I am putting on a mask when I go to work or out in the world, people don't know half the shit I have endured...barely escaped with my life and babies safe... still feels weird, especially when we are still in "survival" mode.

[K8-EEE]

11. You're safe AND....

you're awesome.

I enjoyed your post and the film very much. I relate to your situation and like many people my family feels like, one bad break away from struggling. But, you can be one good break away too., right? I hope better times are coming for us all.

[FirstLight]

12. ...me too... n/t

:grouphug:

[grasswire]

14. as a survivor of domestic emotional battering ...

... I extend my best wishes to you and yours. Oh, the stories we could tell. There was never anyone in my life who knew the whole thing or would have understood. But I can tell that you know. You will be supported here.

[Breeze54]

15. I've been in your shoes and I do understand.

"... and only have 3 kids and an AA degree to my name..."

What do you mean, 'only'? That's a LOT of accomplishments!

You're intelligent and you have a lot going for you.

If you need to talk sometime, feel free to PM me.

Hang in there, Journalgrrl, better days are ahead. :hug:

[FirstLight]

16. thanks...

My best friend says my life reads like a "lifetime" movie...and I am almost at the happy-sappy ending where she buys her first home and finds a great guy and everything is great...


oh, if only...!

I saw that movie and all I could think of was "do I realy look that bad?" like life has chewed me up and spit me out. damn!
nothing a little spa treatment can't fix, eh? we just won't worry about the inner stuff, that's what therapy is for! lol

[FirstLight]

17. Hey - Kick & rec this for the morning crew!!!

I would like to see more of your comments
and have to go to bed,

but please keep this KICKed if you can
so the east coasters can read...

thanks for all your support tonight, I am grateful for your compassion, fellow DUers :)

:grouphug:

[bobbolink]

24. I definitely rec'd, and will notify a few others of your post... deserves to be widely read!

:hug:

[chknltl]

18. I don't know if we will win Journalgrrl

...but I think America is fighting for your children's future. Our democracy hangs in a balance. Many here will argue quite effectively that it has slid out of that balance, that it is gone...perhaps they are right. I choose instead to side with hope. I believe that our democracy has taken on it's own life. Just like a god in a religion, the followers of our democracy bring life to that which we worship. I think America's democracy is terribly wounded...but I think that she can still survive and come out the other side even stronger than before.

Democracy REQUIRES an INFORMED electorate. We have access to a great deal of information here in the Democratic Underground and in other blogs and forums like this. It is our fight to get our collective wisdoms out where it can do the most good: To that electorate. The electorate holds the keys to our democracy's survival...each of us, you included, are on the front lines in this struggle...those wisdoms we learn here are our weapons. Each time you debunk something a friend says, each time you provide a bit of truth to a coworker, each time you chat knowingly to a neighbor about things you learn here in the DU, each time you provide your fellow DUers with a bit of your own wisdom, YOU are fighting for our democracy....you are fighting for our children's future.

We The People are fighting to take back our country from those who do NOT care for your children, for you, for our democracy or for anyone else on this planet. Will we be able to win? Will we achieve a status where each generation of Americans leaves this planet in better shape than it was when they came into it? I don't know that answer. Senator Obama has given me hope. John Edwards has also given me hope. There are actually quite a few within our congress who give me hope. The internet especially gives me hope. Those incredible voter turn outs give me even more HOPE! Unlike those who would say that we have already lost, I can offer hope. Hang in there and keep those children safe and happy....keep fighting!
:grouphug:

edited to add a bit more.

[ClayZ]

19. What a beautiful family!

Best wishes for you and yours!


K and R

[Dystopian]

20. I am in tears.....

Dearest Journalgrrl,
I empathize greatly with you, but the tears came after I read your piece, and then watched the video.
Not tears of sorrow, but of inspiration... I deeply admire your strength, how you have managed to raise these beautiful children with pride and dignity....the fact that you actually have a home and can provide for your children ... I ran from abuse as a young woman, and I felt 'rich' being on welfare for three years.....I also know the fear...it passed. You are a gifted and beautiful spirit....Your children will grow with the love of humanity that you are passing on to them by example....

I too, cry for the women who have lost their families in this horrific war....and for the plight and pains of the children...I'm really too overwhelmed to write much more.

Follow your heart and your dreams.....
I am admiring you from afar.....
You and your family are rich...with all that has no monetary value.....

peace & love to you~

[raccoon]

21. This should be shouted from the rooftops,

"This society is not set up to honor mothers or women for what we DO. "

[bobbolink]

22. I wish I could reassure you that you are "safe" at DU, but that is not, truthfully,

the case.

Besides the usual trolls, there are "liberals" and "progressives" who don't GET IT, and there are people who are so wrapped up in their left-brained selves that they have lost empathy and compassion.

If you wish, feel free to PM me.

[FirstLight]

28. thanks bobbolink

i have always admired your frankness, and empathy, and outrage that feels so similar to mine

:hug:

[bobbolink]

33. When we've had everything ripped from us, all we have left is our

"frankness", as you put it, our truth, our humanity (which includes empathy) and our heartfelt desire to stop the process that causes suffering for others.

And, as far as I'm concerned THOSE traits are ever so much more important that a lot of what's touted as important, and that includes right here on DU.

Power, political savvy, knowing "weasel words" (as Al would say) -- NONE of that is doing one blessed thing to improve our world.

I recently spoke with a rare person... someone who is director of a "help" agency and has a big heart--lots of compassion.

I was interviewing her, and she told me she used to work with very affluent and powerful people. She said she prefers to work with poor people. When I asked her why that is, she said "Because they're real. We can talk about real things."

And that's exactly where it is. As I said, we've been stripped of everything, and we've been insulted and demeaned. We aren't capable anymore of pretense.

THAT is what makes us so important and so valuable.

Your post--so heartfelt, so honest, and so clear..... that is worth so much more than all the other silly posts on DU!

:loveya:

[I Have A Dream]

27. Your story touched my heart. I so hope that things get better for you...

very soon, Journalgrrl.

:hug:

(On edit: I will do everything that I can to help you to feel safe and at home here.)

[kdmorris]

31. I've been where you are

15 and 1/2 years ago I left my abusive ex-husband, 3 daughters in tow, aged 11 months, 2 and 5.

I've been hungry because my daughters needed to eat. I've gone without so they could go on field trips or have some small pleasure. I've felt hopelessness and despair overcome me, only to push it back a little when I knew I HAD to do better for my children.

I remarried almost 11 years ago to a wonderful man who raised my daughters as his own. But, while that is the happy ending to my sorrow, I just wanted to let you know...I've been where you are and you are safe in this forum (mainly). As bobbolink said, feel free to PM if you need anything or just want to talk.

:grouphug:

[cutlassmama]

34. the link doesn't work anymore

[FirstLight]

36. Try the main page

www.ourtahoe.org

I think it is under "people" it was on the main page as item #2

look for "Poverty in Tahoe," you should come across the story, By Liz Margerum

[pengillian101]

37. I viewed it here...

Thanks for the link. "Poverty in Tahoe"

It wasn't a video that I saw, but a still-shot picture thread. View by clicking on > at the very bottom for the next photo. Moving montage.

http://www.ourtahoe.org/customfiles/margerumMarsh/index.html

[maryf]

35. Time...

Helps stop the fear and nervousness that is born in an abusive relationship, it took me about 5 years, hopefully you are close to peace of mind. I am sorry I didn't catch this in time to see the video, as said above its not working, but your words suffice and my hearts, thoughts, and prayers go out to you. If nothing else, you're safe from him here...