Boys that "hate" girls; my gripe

[OnionPatch]

We have a daughter almost six years old. Our friends have two boys, one slightly older and one slightly younger. They have been friends for their whole lives because we've had them together for campouts, picnics, holidays, you name it.

Suddenly, last year, the older boy decided he no longer cares to associate with my daughter. When they come over, he goes off by himself to play and ignores her. She bends over backward trying to find something he's interested in, but it turns out that he is not bored with her toys, etc.....he doesn't want to play with her anymore because "She's a girl."

Yeah, yeah....cute. Actually I don't think it's so cute anymore. How do I tell my daughter her lifetime friend doesn't want to play with her anymore because of her gender? Where do these predjudices come from in children so young? This kid's parents are liberal, just like us. I know they didn't tell him that girls were "icky."

So my heart breaks for my daughter. What do I tell her? How can I keep this from hurting her self-esteem?

[knowbody0]

1. my grandson went through a time like that

on his own mayhaps. from tv? who knows. it was cute (kinda) and it passed. he is 7 now. IMO, just part of his coming to terms that he was male not female.
i remember my 12th summer wishing so that i were a boy, wearing baseball hat, spending most of my time at the sandlot playing short stop and spitting a lot.
sigh

[abelenkpe]

2. I would ask your friend to talk to their son

I'm not sure where he go the idea that boys can't play with girls, but from what you say it doesn't seem like it came from them. It's rude to go over to someone's house and reject them in their own environment. If the boy won't be polite he should suspend visits until this phase passes so as to not effect your little girls self esteem. Why should he make his problem hers?
Personally I don't think that's cute. I think that's sexist. And if my son ever said anything like that we would definitely have to sit down with him and try to reason with him. Even if he were to decide (foolishly) not to play with girls hopefully he would have the good grace not to put them down or openly exclude them. Of course, who knows what will happen?
Boys distance themselves from girls. I remember feeling like it was important to act like a boy so I could continue to play sports in our neighborhood. Within a few years thoes same boys who claimed they didn't want to spend time with girls were asking girls out. Ultimately time will heal this rift. Let your little girl know she will one day have problems keeping the boys away.

[mzteris]

3. have you talked to the parents?

Do they know about this behaviour? Do they know where it's coming from?

They need to sit him down and have a very serious talk with him. A) about rudeness, period; and B) about treating others - ALL others - with respect. Without regard for gender, race, class, etc. etc. etc. . . They need to nip this in the bud.

I agree with the other poster that until the kid gets his act together, he shouldn't be allowed over to mistreat your daughter. And how long will it be before his attitude rubs off on his younger brother?

[OnionPatch]

4. Actually we haven't been getting together as much

as we used to. I've talked to the parents about this to a certain extent and let them know it hurt her feelings, so I'm guessing that may be the reason we aren't seeing them as much lately. They had sort of laughed about it at first but I know if the tables were turned, they would be a little upset too. The mother calls herself a feminist, so she can't be oblivious to the affect it may have on my daughter.

So far the younger boy stills loves our daughter. He just turned four. He's very strong-willed and confident and usually does what he feels like doing whether or not it's "accepted" by the gang, so I have a feeling he may not go through this girl-hating stage. The older boy is much more shy and insecure. I think the girl-hating thing is something he feels he must do to fit in, with the kids at school, maybe?

I just don't understand why parents allow this sort of overt prejudice. They would be appalled if one of their kids didn't want to play with someone because they were a different ethnicity or whatever....why is it ok to "hate" girls? :mad:

[Katherine Brengle]

5. It is not "okay" but I think you already know that...

I have a daughter myself, almost two. I am having a hard time trying to raise her (already) to value herself and what it means to be a woman, when relatives keep buying her cute little "baby" dolls and silly stupid toys and telling her how pretty she is all the time...

I'm not saying that these things do not have a place, but they are not the be-all, end-all...

You know, I think I am going to start a new thread, bc I can feel this getting long, lol.

(Thank you for standing up for your daughter--more parents need to act this way.)

[mzteris]

6. I think you already know the answers. . .

****I think the girl-hating thing is something he feels he must do to fit in, with the kids at school, maybe?***

Ayuh. Especially if he's shy and insecure. He may very well be getting bullied at school and this is one way of trying to regain some feeling of "power" - by emulating the other bullies. I'm thinking the parents really need to look into this more.

***I just don't understand why parents allow this sort of overt prejudice. They would be appalled if one of their kids didn't want to play with someone because they were a different ethnicity or whatever....why is it ok to "hate" girls?***

Yes, again. Ask the mom if it would be okay if her son he rudely refused to play with ___(insert ethnic minority )____.

OK - figure out how to ask her that nicely. I have trouble with diplomacy sometimes. :blush:

[SoCalDem]

7. Maybe a bit silly or crude, but we did it this way

We always had female dogs & cats, and when our boys griped about GIRLS.. we would say.. "So we should get rid of Tasha or Blanca or Amber or Sandy?"...

we always told them that excluding half their friends because they sit down to pee was a stupid idea..

:)