If I Hadn't Found Jesus, I'd Feel Pretty Shitty About My Crimes

[trotsky]

Oh, Onion, how do you keep consistently hitting home runs?
http://www.theonion.com/articles/if-i-hadnt-found-jesus-id-feel-pretty-shitty-about,17883/

It was a stroke of unbelievable luck. Here I thought I'd spend the rest of my life agonizing over that night I broke into a random house and methodically tortured all five of its residents, but Jesus was like, "Nah, you're good." He took all those years I expected to wallow in suffocating guilt for having forced a mother to choose the order in which I strangled her children and wiped them away in a jiff.

Which is ironic because the family I murdered in cold blood was praying to Jesus like crazy the whole time.

[laconicsax]

1. Dare:

http://www.democraticunderground.com/discuss/duboard.php?az=post&forum=214

[amyrose2712]

2. "You people" make me laugh. nt

[awoke_in_2003]

9. the dare wasn't directed at me...

but I accepted, anyway :)
http://www.democraticunderground.com/discuss/duboard.php?az=view_all&address=214x256919

[laconicsax]

11. Well that was certainly poor taste.

How dare you post a satire about a regularly exploited loophole in Christianity! There's nothing funny about murderers and rapists going to heaven.

:rofl:

[awoke_in_2003]

12. Holy shit...

I got 65 recs with that post.

[vixengrl]

3. It's odd--this reminds me a lot of what I was thinking when I read

the Vanity Fair piece on Gingrich the other day. Gingrich apparently said something to the effect of, "Well there's been lots of times in my life I've gone down in my knees...."

(Stop sniggering you nasty-minded people!)

Anyway, I thought "Yeah, but if God keeps saying, 'You just do what's good for you, Newt'....maybe your God is actually one Newton Leroy Gingrich." When I got to the "it doesn't matter what I do, it's what I say" business, I think I drowned from second-hand hypocrisy. (I got better!)

Religion might not be the last refuge of a real scoundrel--it's the alpha and the omega.

[FiveGoodMen]

4. "Religion might not be the last refuge of a real scoundrel--it's the alpha and the omega"

Yup.

Very similar to the way I look at patriotism: The last refuge of a scoundrel ... and also the first.

And after all, patriotism is just another kind of religion.

[awoke_in_2003]

10. "Well there's been lots of times in my life I've gone down in my knees...."

why did "that's what she said" just flash through my mind?

[immoderate]

5. It is not far from reality.

I know a woman, fundy xtian, a nice lady, who had lived for years in Israel. She told me of a contact from there who had been a sniper in the Israeli army. She said he suffered from the guilt of the terrible things he had done, including assassinations. Then he found Jesus and he was all better. Isn't that wonderful, she asked.

I paused for a bit. I said he got off easy. And it didn't bring back the people he killed. "Bad deal," I said.

--imm

[varkam]

6. lol

I love the Onion

[trotsky]

7. Big V!

Haven't seen you as much around here - been OK?

[varkam]

8. Hey trotsky

Yeah, I've been doing okay - just been real busy between school and work but I'm keeping things together. I see not much has changed around here :D