I'm having a terrible problem with my 20 year old son.

[tibbir]

He has severe ADD and possibly mild bipolar - it runs in my family and I have it myself. Since his dad died just before Christmas he's gone off the deep end with his computer game addiction. He has a set of cyber-friends from all over who spend all their waking hours playing this game as well and they all talk together.

Before he had a kind of balance of work, sleep, socializing and playing the computer game. Since his dad died the game has become his life. He doesn't go out with friends any more. He missed so much work that he lost his job. This worked just fine for him in his mind. He now has no responsibllities to take him away from his game. Some times he seems to begrudge having to take time out to go to the bathroom.

A little over 2 weeks ago I gave him an ultimatum: he could enroll for a course at a community college, enroll in a technical school, work with this career coach or find a job - by today, the final day for enrolling in the community college. If he didn't do one of those things I was going to cut out our cable modem come Monday. He finally looked up from his game today at 5:00pm and wanted to know how to enroll online for a s"tupid course" at HCC. I told him it didn't work that way, he'd have to go to the college and meet with the counselor and then they'd let him enroll.

He said forget it, he'd get a job. I told him it was too little too late because he hadn't even tried anything to get a job in the 2 weeks since I gave him the choices. He told me he'd get a router and order cable in his own name. I told him that wouldn't work because it's my house and I wouldn't ok it. He then said he'd move out and get a job. I told him he didn't have enough money to live on his own for a very long time and that he probably couldn't get an apartment without a job. He said he'd move in with a friend; I told him it was up to him, he's over 18.

It's going to be horrible come Monday. His addiction is as powerful as a gambling addiction is for some people. I don't know how he'll react when he's cut off from his precious game and cyber-friends next week. Besides dealing with his reaction I'll have to get used to dialup again myself. Shit.

Maybe some of you have experience dealing with addictions in relatives since they seem to go with bipolar disorder. Believe me, I'd appreciate all the help I can get.

[DemExpat]

1. So sorry to hear this, tibbir.....

I certainly think that somehow laying down limits to him (as long as he is livng with you) is vital, but how to do it without making things 'worse'.....for him as well as for you? :hug:

I have a 21 year old son who went through some tough years earlier in his life while he was in school, but now that he has a full-time job that he loves (for 4 years now!) he is one happy young man......of course my husband and I are more than eager for him to find time and desire to get more education under his belt, but chances for that now are pretty slim..... :-(

Maybe DUers in this Group linked below might be able to help too seeing as they are focussed on addictions, which certainly applies in your son's case IMO.

http://www.democraticunderground.com/discuss/duboard.php?az=show_topics&forum=336

All the best, and keep us posted.

:hug:

DemEx

edit: and this Parenting Group might be helpful as well.
http://www.democraticunderground.com/discuss/duboard.php?az=show_topics&forum=238

[tibbir]

3. Thanks for the links, I'm going to follow up on them.

[TrogL]

7. Which game?

I've got a houseful of kids addicted to

• City of Heros
  
• Guild Wars
  
• Counterstrike
  
• W:ET aka Castle Wolfenstein
  

The problem with the first two is scores are cumulative and you lose points for interrupting a game.

I'm reading to start blocking ports on the router if I can figure out what ones the games use.

[tibbir]

16. The game is Lineage 2.

A virtual girl friend of his told him about it.

[MirrorAshes]

20. This one is very similar to the ones I played.

I even tried it-- its pretty serious. Lineage isn't as well known as Everquest or World of Warcraft here in the states, but it is actually the biggest one worldwide. Korea especially is obsessed with it, there is a major black-market for online goods and even talk of organized crime based around the game there... its crazy. People take it very, very seriously.

[tibbir]

24. Wow. My son told me about the black market

but I had no idea there might be an organized crime element based around the game. You're definitely right - it's taken extremely seriously.

[Droopy]

2. I just wanted to say that I think you are doing the right thing

I don't have any words of advice, though. Just this show of support.

[tibbir]

4. Thanks for the support.

I don't know if I'm doing the right thing for sure but I'm positive that if I let things go as they have been the past few weeks I'm just going to be feeding into his addiction.

Anyway, things are going fairly well between us now because it's Saturday and I haven't pulled the plug on fast internet yet . I hate to think of what'll happen when that plays out.

[Kire]

5. I pulled the plug on my own internet last week.

They're not going to really shut it off until Thursday. So, here I am.

[tibbir]

6. Oh wow, are you cutting yourself from all internet?

Right now I'm switching from broadband to dialup. The next step for me will be to cut the phone service to my son's room if he doesn't enroll in a class by the start of the second session in July. That'll be a laugh riot.

Good luck with your withdrawals - I don't know if I could do it.

[DemExpat]

8. Just a thought about addictions....

I believe that volunteering here for Moderator duty is, in one small part, a "justification" for my addiction tendencies (to enjoy being on the Internet).....:evilgrin:

I admit that this might be part of my motivation, but, also, I don't see it as completley negative!

If we can harness our addictive tendencies to do something which is a positive addition, a service to others, then I can accept it and even approve!

The trick is to find channels that ARE more positive, for ouselves as well as for our social environments. (families, friends, communities, society)

IMHO.

DemEx

edit: also meaning to say that almost everybody I have known in my life has some addictive behaviors....:hug:

[tibbir]

9. I know what you mean, I'm pretty addicted to the internet myself.

I spend a lot of time on DU because I gain so much from it between news and support for various things I've been up against.

My son's addiction is more like what you'd see in a gambling addict or alcoholic. It's totally out of control. I mean, he flunked out of college and lost a job that was very good to him because he couldn't pull away from his game long enough to attend to studying - or showing up. He doesn't play the game, he IS the game.

I don't think there's anything I can do to pull him away or channel his interest into a more positve behavior at this point. All that's left for me to do is to try not to enable him in his addiction. It's very difficult to do, I can tell you that.

Well, the next few weeks are going to be interesting to say the least. Thanks a lot for your support; I need all the help I can get.

[no name no slogan]

10. It can be very powerful-- hang in there

a good buddy of mine with depression also became very addicted to an online "virtual reality" videogame. It cost him several jobs and nearly cost him his marriage.

This was a couple of years ago, but he still struggles to this day and has to consciously limit his internet/computer time-- which is very difficult, considering he makes his living as a computer programmer.

I've just gone through a similar situation myself with my depression, where I would "self-medicate" by going online and avoiding my problems at home. I've had to limit my internet access to a couple hours on the weekend because of it (part of the reason why I'm not posting nearly as much as I used to!). Oh, and I'm also a web developer/designer, so that just adds to the complication!

I'm sending lots of good karma to you for you and your son. I hope you can help him get the help he needs so he can get his life on track. Addictions are tough things to deal with, even without the added stress of ADD and/or bipolar disorders. Be patient but firm, and he'll thank you in the end.

:hug:

[tibbir]

11. Thanks so much for your insight.

I hope he'll be able to get this into some sort of perspective at some point but it looks pretty clear that he's going to have to bottom out first.

It's pretty ironic that both you and your friend make your livings on the computer, isn't it.

Tomorrow is step one in getting away from the internet - I'm canceling broadband so it should be interesting.

[no name no slogan]

13. Best of luck-- it WILL get better

I hope his bottom isn't too far away. IMHO you're on the right track with cancelling the broadband. If nothing else, you won't be enabling his addiction any longer.

Unfortunately my bottom was a bit lower than I ever thought it would be. I ended up in the hospital for a week, and am losing my marriage and my house. Thankfully I've still got my job because my boss has been very understanding.

You're definately on the right track. It may be painful and he may say some very hurtful things, but in the end it will work out for the best. I'm keeping you and your son in my thoughts and prayers.

:grouphug:

[tibbir]

25. Thanks so much for your encouragement.

I agree that it will get better over time. I just hope he doesn't lose too much before he bottoms out.

I'm sorry you've been in so much pain. I wish only the best for you.

[MirrorAshes]

12. I'm 24-- I was addicted to a couple of these games for several years.

I really did have a problem. It never got so bad that I got into serious issues with my parents, but I wonder if maybe they were just too scared to make a bigger deal out of it. I did miss school because of it, I did even lose a job over it once. I even had a handful of fucked up relationships that I'd just assume forget about.

I have always been a bit introverted, and grew up on videogames, and got addicted to the 'net pretty early, so perhaps it was inevitable. The games are alot of fun, and provide a real escape from reality. My bet is your son is pretty smart, even though he may not be acting like it right now-- smart people play these games. They are complex, they are deep, and they reward time, effort, and skill. My bet is that your son is very good at these games, and probably has a strong reputation in that world. I did, and it meant alot to me at the time.

These games allow you to create a new version of yourself. Where I was shy and reclusive in real life, I was a confident, respected, valued member of the communities I played in. It felt good. It is an entirely different social world based on a different set of rules, and if you let it, you can easily make the mistake of letting it become your entire social world. You may know literally hundreds of people and interact with them non-stop. When you have that at your fingertips, yet you can't seem to find it in your real life, it can be very, very hard to resist.

You also eventually develop responsibilities--I led several "guilds" (basically a team) of people for various lengths of time. One even got so large it began to feel like a full-time job for me. We had a webpage, events, 300+ members, and whenever anybody had a problem, I was the guy people came to.

Anyway, I'm really just trying to help offer some perspective on what your son may be going through by explaining my situation. I have come to realize that I do have a real problem with these games--and I have voluntarily tried to remove myself from them, but it is hard. I still have alot of friends from that world who want me to try out every new game that comes out, and it is hard to resist. It can be a fun hobby that can be kept under control, but it is a real addiction, and in my opinion, your son needs to face that fact.

I know I was resistant when people tried to tell me I had a problem, so I don't exactly know how to tell you what you should do to get the message across to him. He will have to face it on his own eventually. He will have to take a real break, make some changes in his life, take some initiative, and get back to living for real again. The games feel great, and give you a sense of importance and power, but they aren't real, they won't pay your bills, and they won't give you true happiness or satisfaction.

Sorry to get so long-winded there. I hope perhaps this might add a little bit of perspective to your struggle. If its any consolation, like I was saying before, these games aren't easy. They aren't for morons. I would bet you that he is taking some very positive things out of the experience, but he will have to learn how to manage it and perhaps even apply some of the things that have made him a winner in the games he plays to his life outside them.

[tibbir]

17. I've been away for a few days and just read your post.

Thank you so much for your insight. You're right he's extremely smart and he's also very introverted. Making friends in the "real" world is very difficult although he's very personable. I saw him with everyone at his dad's memorial service and was amazed.

He does have a reputation for being a strong player and has many virtual friends that he links up with every day. The whole process is like a magnet to him.

I'm hoping that at some point he'll be able to apply some of what he's learned with the gaming to the outside world. Right now I'm just relieved that he's going to register for the 2nd summer session of school tomorrow. It's not going to fix anything but for right now it's eased a considerable amount of tension between us.

[MirrorAshes]

19. Best of luck to you both!

Hang in there. My bet is he'll be just fine, he just has a bit of growing up to do.

[tibbir]

23. He really is a great kid

it's just that his addiction keeps him stuck in one place playing those damnable games.

I agree that eventually he'll get to the point where he wants to quit - and then he will. It's very hard watching him go through this, though.

[Ladyhawk]

14. I eventually outgrew my game addictions.

I still play, but not for hours like I did before. I think gaming and places like DU make up for the fact that I don't have a real life. I've tried getting one, but it's hard. I've taken classes at the local college, but I haven't had any luck finding real friends. It's distressing. :( :( :(

On edit: when you're depressed and have physical problems, the Internet sometimes becomes your only outlet to the outside world.

[Ladyhawk]

15. Has anyone recommended therapy for your son?

Remember, there's a reason he wants to escape. Cold turkey probably won't work unless there is a better alternative.

[tibbir]

18. In my opinion [and my therapist's] he really needs therapy.

He lost his dad suddenly the Saturday before Christmas and he feels terrible that he didn't do more to be with him before he died. The minute that happened it's like the computer opened up and sucked him into it.

Problem is that he's almost 21 and the decision has to be his. He's said it's not for him. Oh well.

[EFerrari]

21. Has he ever been tested by a good doc?

I ask because my husband had real problems that needed meds to correct and the first three years we were married, all any of his support people did was sort of browbeat him about addiction and did the whole tough love thing and everything just got a helluva lot worse. (And I just went along with it.) Because no one really knew the whole picture.

It does little or no good to set limits with someone who doesn't have their brain. Whose medical condition keeps destablizing them. It just doesn't work, in my experience. LOL! It didn't work REALLY WELL for us!

After I finally figured that out, we got some good testing. Then some more time went by until we found a doc that really truly knew how to prescribe AND monitor meds, fold in alternative medicine. It was pretty complicated but probably saved both our lives.

I guess my point is, if addiction is the only issue, maybe just limit setting could be a helpful tool for you and could improve the whole deal. But if there are other issues involved, I really see that as a set up for the whole family. Because until the chemistry is stable, those limits will waffle on him as his insight goes on and off.

Can't tell you how different Doug is on mostly the right meds, with people that have a pretty good handle on what his struggle is. He's productive, a contributing member to the family and to the hood. It's just like night and day.

fwiw,

Beth

[tibbir]

22. I believe that my son would be immeasurably better

if he got his brain chemistry in balance. My problem is that he won't go to the doctor because I want him to. He definitely has ADD and has taken himself off medicine for that. I have bipolar disorder and there may be some of that too.

I can set limits while he lives here but when he receives his inheritance he'll be able to move out. Then it will be up to him to come to the realization that he needs help. He is in total denial at this point.

How did your husband come to the realization that he needed medical help? Maybe I can try that approach but I don't know how successful I'll be.

[Maraya1969]

26. Some antidepressants are good for OCD and addictions

I don't know whether what he is experiencing is one or both or something else.

I think it is Paxil that is used for OCD a lot.

I am bipolar and alcoholic. I still easily get obsessed about things.

(Example: Last night I spent HOURS trying to make a necklace!!!!) It was so frustrating but I couldn't stop until it was done. And now I still don't like it so tomorrow I'm taking it down to the bead store to change it once again! - oh and when I finally put it down I went onto EBAY and bough more beads. :silly: )

But I don't experience the kind of depression that I used to have and thank God I have not had any really bad manias in several years. They have literally caused me to end up in jail more than once.

Sometimes you just have to look at how far you've come rather than where you are.

I'm sure you can find help for your son and it is good that you know about his genetic history. Whatever drugs worked for his family members have a better chance of working for him.

Best of luck to you.

[tibbir]

27. I'm bipolar and alcoholism runs rampant in my family

.

I think my son does have OCD tendencies. He was diagnosed with Tourette's when he was younger although his tics pretty much stopped during his adolescence. From what I understand about it OCD is the flip side of TS.

My problem is now that he's an adult I can't just dose medicine out to him every morning like I used to. He's got to buy into treatment and so far he doesn't see that he has a problem. Oh well.

BTW, I'm into making jewelry as well - where do you order beads from on EBay?