Quit today. what a hoot...NOT.

[undergroundpanther]

Went to the program one more time.I went because my therapist asked try it one more time. I figured why not.
This morning I woke up tense ,I went to bed late like usual.When I got to program I drank some coffee hoping that would calm down the distractions. Nope.My mind was so much a pain this morning couldn't follow a conversation well it was even irritating me.I was getting more and more antsy. So I wanted to go out for a walk around the library or something outside.I got ready to go, and Nope I was informed I'd have to be escorted if I wanted to fart around and walk off my ants.. WTF??!!

I told the staff, I haven't been "escorted" since I was inpatient on suicide watch! Why? This was the final straw.I was pissed but calm .So,I asked to speak with the director. Took a half hour for them to mosey around to it after much closed door huddling...

Then I met with two staff. The 'ol team up routine. God I hate that tactic. The appearance of a "unified front" mind-fuck so they seem more"powerful" in presence. Fucking crap is what it is.
Anyways, I was direct and asked them WHY could I not just go outside and walk a lap or two around the library and blast my ipod and come back in like 15 minutes? I know how to manage my own symptoms I have coping mechanisms that help and work and I'd like to USE them....They told me it might be dangerous..I said What??? This is friggin boonie harford county in the DAYTIME,Not North Avenue at 2 am in downtown Baltimore,which I have walked before with no problems btw.Come on, that is just a lame excuse.
Their reason was It was against the rules to walk outside alone..Rules I didn't think existed.News to me. This is because I was LIED to when I did the damn intake interview. The lady interviewing me told me I was free to go outside if I wanted to there. So I asked them,why did she lie to me about this? They said she didn't lie. I said she did lie,I wouldn't BE here asking why would I?I mentioned I was also told I could also use the microwave to nuke my back brace gel pack insert if my back was kicking my ass..Oh, that's against the rules too.NICE. I was reassured of the lack of stupid rules until I run up against one Ooh Clever.. LIARS! Why would they DO that shit?


Unless they are recruiting clients to get money in fast. Other programs that were frauds would scout for clients back in the 90's and they blew medicaid money like it was going out of style on shit like a swimming pool for the director..Wonder who gets that big honking plasma TV if they can't get enough clients in there because they lie to persuade them to go in and when high functioning clients find out they have these totally idiotic rules and stigmatize the clients with those BIG LETTERS on the van and split in disgust?

The staff in their defense today told me "COMAR "required these rules.I asked them to write the acronym down for me So I could look it up later.
When I got home I googled up "COMAR" rules for medical Prp's Just to see if they were full of shit or not.And I got pissed.

"COMAR"is a specialized kind of contractor regulation code for private for profit PRP's and non profits I guess too. There are all kinds of "COMARS" for all sorts of things from construction projects to Workplace safety.It's not easy wading through it all to find PRP contractor regs but it's in there.

COMAR describes how contractors are held accountable allegedly ,but it's got more holes than swiss cheese BTW.. But as I researched it on the psych end I found so many loopholes for fraud and other pointless bullshit it is WORSE than before. Total Crap. (thanks Sally Satel you fucking nazi asshole)A few years back in PrP's clients were bored to tears , they would be round up to play bingo or something insipid like that, and the PRP would charge the state 80 bucks or more for every client participating in a pointless insipid activity rather than the PRP DO SOMETHING USEFUL like train staff and do REAL useful therapeutic stuff like helping people learn to drive or use the bus, or manage everyday life in a realistic way that isn't stigmatizing, teach conflict resolution, or recognizing the signs of abusers and shit like that..

Today I realized I had been snagged by A fucking recruiter for a business that really wasn't there to help me . They just want have the appearance of it to get $$$.Well, my case manager was snagged. Dammit.I'll have to tell her the lowdown.

When I told them what they had said to my shrink about me thinking I was a Panther and all they looked disconcerted sorta. Than I said it was stigmatizing to me, it's a spiritual thing and NOT a delusion,and my therapist agrees with ME,and I said it made them look ignorant and I said it is a LIE you said about me too.And I don't like being lied to About the program's rules and procedures or have bullshit bandied about about my mental state.. PSTD people have trust issues often and I have trust issues too. When you play games I do not trust you.

And what burned my ass is I found out "COMAR" does NOT require MCO programs, Prp's, now called "medically necessary" for staff to escort clients on walks anywhere.Shit they don't require much at all. I found the "COMAR" client admission criteria is ridiculously wide open and has HUGE room for "preferences" and space for fraud to recruit for said contractors and sub contractors to fill the place with warm bodies to make the MCO have something to show that looks like"evidence" to medicaid.(as in evidence based outcomes) Rip*Snort* LOL..Yeah right.. I got a bridge to sell you.. Whatever happened to Maryland's consumer participation guidelines? that WERE supposed to undo learned helplessness and let the CLIENT direct treatment? Clueless on Parade? Hell no,Not this time.It's cluelessness by design. Ugh.

About evidence based outcomes..in case you be curious...
http://psychrights.org/PR/StrikeUpdateNo1PR.htm

Anyways the actual insurance contractors running these programs can keep their admission criteria a secret,from me maybe even the state, I dunno..too conveniently.I bet it's probably a blank sheet of paper is why. Fuckers.
I'll end it with this...

Whenever a feeling of aversion comes into the heart of a good soul, it's not without significance.
Consider that intuitive wisdom to be a Divine attribute,
not a vain suspicion: the light of the heart has apprehended intuitively from the Universal Tablet.
- Rumi

[mopinko]

1. sorry it did not work out for you, panther.

it sucks to reach out, and try to get some help, only to have it blow up in your face. one step forward, two steps back. ugh.