Hi. I think I'm depressed.

[billyskank]

I am just now coming to realise this. I have an unhappiness that just won't go away. I am socially isolated, and desperately lonely as a result. I understand now that I have been like this some time. Because of it, I threw myself into DU. Now that I have screwed up on DU a number of times, hurt a number of people and been hurt by a number of people, I don't feel the same sense of belonging here any more. My last crutch has been knocked away, and now I have nothing. Without a support network, without friends I can rely on to lift me up, I live in a barren desert. I need love and affection, but there isn't any.

[hedgehog]

1. It does sound as if you're depressed.

One important thing to remember is that depression really screws up your perceptions. You have more friends here than you realize. I think it's important to find some people off-line, but I haven't the foggiest notion of how you should go about doing this. I hope someone else can give you some advice in that direction.

[TZ]

2. Oh I can relate to most of that myself

I am very socially isolated (my choice at the moment). I also threw myself into DU to help. I am sorry to hear you feel like you have had a bad time on DU and don't feel welcome. You should know that you will only get support in this forum. I had a point not too long ago when I thought I would leave DU (for painful personal reasons) but ended up posting here for some support. It worked well. Gradually I came back into the rest of DU.
I too thought I wouldn't be missed. Not true. I had several people ask after me when I disappeared. I would be willing to bet you still have a network of friends here.
I really understand the feelings. Really. I don't really know you, but I would be willing to be your friend here if you wish. I am a friendly if somewhat isolated person (I have health issues that keep me homebound alot these days).
:hug:

[Lilith Velkor]

3. I had an experience like that a while ago

I finally figured out that in order to avoid assholes, you also have to avoid people who seem nice but have friends who are assholes. And that means most people.

I have few friends now, and spend a lot of time by myself. Sure I get bored and lonely sometimes, but I don't miss the Jerry Springer bullshit even a little bit, so the trade off is worth it to me.

I hope you get through it, or find the right meds, or work out a way to live with it if (like me) you are one of the 20% for whom standard antidepressants don't work. I remember you used to seem pretty cool back before I took a yearlong break from the Lounge.

[hedgehog]

4. You're in a very fragile spot right now.

I'd do this myself, but I'm afraid of hurting you if you'd rather not do this. May I suggest trying this: Go into the lounge, and post "Billyshank needs a hug". I think you'll be pleased with the results.

[billyskank]

5. Okay.

I'll try it. Although perhaps I'll make one slight modification. ;)

Thank you.

[TZ]

7. I'm glad you did it

It seems like you do have more friends than you know. Let me share something with you, to show its hard to understand when you feel this way about how much people do care. There was a hug thread awhile back and I offered a hug to a fellow DU'er who was helping me with some of my depression/health issues and I got this touching (and proof of his skills as a Dr. Seusser) reply---
http://www.democraticunderground.com/discuss/duboard.php?az=show_topic&forum=105&topic_id=6425991
I keep this as inspiration when I get very depressed and sad and lonely

[EFerrari]

6. Depression sucks and Prozac rules.

I've been depressed a long time and after only a few days of forcing myself to take the damn pills, I already feel different, better. The rest of the elephant needs attention, too, of course. But today I'd go on teevee for Prozac. It's giving me enough support to do the things I need to do.

:hug: to you
:grouphug:

[AZBlue]

8. The great thing is most people here never hold grudges. Remember that.

It's part of DU for things to get a little heated from time to time - but few hold grudges (and those that do are the ones you don't want to talk to anyway).

As for the rest of your post, it does sound like you might be depressed. Do you have insurance or are you able to go to a doctor and talk to them about it? An anti-depressant might be the jump-start you need, but a doctor will know better than any of us.

Hang in there! :hug:

[Pharaoh]

9. Yes try Prozac

or similar things, I felt it was a gift from God for me. I too am isolated partly it is my nature to be a bit of a hermit.I think depression definitely makes you avoid people. But try myspace also, it's pretty easy and alot of fun, for the interaction you might want other than politics ;o) It's more of a social network but you really don't understand the scope of the network until you hook up with like minded people. But I still come to DU, these are my 2 favorite sites.

[EFerrari]

10. I had no idea that I had mood swings ontop of depression

until a good doc put me on Prozac and all that stuff stopped 85%. It was amazing. :wow:

[Pharaoh]

11. I had to get off

the prozac as I could'nt sleep, but am now trying celexa which helps alot.

[EFerrari]

12. I had the same problem but a smidge of a minor tranq

took care of that.

And, after a while, Prozac (and other drugs in this class) seem to stop working. So, then I just switch to a different one for a few months, then go back.

Damn chemistry. lol

:hi:

edit to add: And I hate pills, pilltaking and depending on docs for scripts. But, I couldn't ignore the difference it made. :shrug:

[Pharaoh]

13. Hi sexy!

:hi:

[shrike]

14. Oh, dear. One thing you have to understand about any online community

Is that all you have is words on a computer screen. You don't get to hear the communicator's voice, watch their facial expressions or see the look (twinkle?) in their eyes.

Words that might not have slammed you so badly in person may really slam you from the computer screen. Few of us are articulate enough to convey subtle nuances, and emotions, in writing alone. So, the people who hurt you may not have meant to do so. Or, they overreacted to something you wrote, which I tend to do, too, when I see these black words on a white screen.

I agree with Hedgehog that you need living, breathing people in your life; either through an interest, or something else you enjoy, or some kind of offline community you can find.

Also, I'd say most definitely you're depressed: one thing about depression, the protective coating is gone. Everything hurts you. I've been on a low dosage of fluoxetine (Prozac) for many years with no ill effects. But I have a chronic condition, you may not. So, for you, meds might be a temporary bridge to something better.

[SPKrazy]

15. well admitting and recognizing it means you can do something about it

therapy, meds, exercise, support, real life friends, all help.

the du can't be the only outlet a person has socially, because it is too easy to end up hurt if you do that. people let us down enough face to face, and online it is easy to do because sometimes people forget that there is a real person on the other end of the screen.

been there, done that billy.

depression sometimes lifts easily, or it may be harder to see the progress. but i'm glad to see you talking about it and take advantage of whatever mental health resources you have available. there is no more shame in being depressed than having a broken leg really. so do what you gotta do to take care of you because no one else can or will do it for you!

:hug:

[Exultant Democracy]

16. I didn't know I was depressed untill I heard a story on it on NPR

It was funny because at the start of the show I was saying "Man I feel bad for those people, I'm glad I don't have the burden to carry." The one of the doctors listed the symptoms and I went 9 out of 10.

[shadowknows69]

17. There's a lot of people on here going through what you are billy

just keep talking and you'll find friends that will help you. I'm going to start posting in this group a lot more. Just joined it. Nice to meet you friend.