Please Read - I need to better understand what my sister is facing

[Dirty Hippie]

Disclaimer: I'm asking for insight. This is a stream of consciousness post so I apologize if I offend. If I display ignorance on any point, please help me understand.

I do not have mental health issues, however I have a sister that has suffered from bipolar disorder her whole life. She recently attempted suicide. She has been under the care of mental health professionals forever and has tried evey drug/drug combination known to medical science.

I decided that it was dangerous for her to continue to live alone and offered my spare bedroom. She still has her place but is spending about 1/2 of her time with me.

(Here is where I might offend)

I don't understand why she is constantly analyzing everything. She talks constantly about herself and her issues. I listen patiently and occasionally offer comment but I cannot help thinking that if she would just get out of her own head and look around she might feel better.

Having her around is extremely exhausting. Like a child, she constantly demands my attention (I work from home and this can be a problem).

I have a hard time believing that she is helpless to change. I don't want to begin to resent her. She is my sister and I love her dearly.

It is like I have grown up and evolved (hopefully), learning lessons from my mistakes and she is stuck in adolescence.

She is 50. Yet men are a still a huge issue for her. She picks terrible guys and then cannot understand why they treat her like shit.

Again, I'm asking for insight here. I want to do the right thing and I need to understand her if I'm going to be able to be a source of support for her.


Thanks.

[mopinko]

1. if she would just get out of her own head

she would if she could. maybe you have bitten off more than you can chew.

she is always analyzing because her brain is stuck on fear and worry. she is probably trying to figure out how to be normal, how to be like you. it suck to be her, but what you are complaining about is pretty much that she is mentally ill. that's how you are when you are mentally ill.
do the professionals talk to you? (she has to ok that) maybe they can help. has she been with the same team for a long time, or does she change often? you need support to undertake this huge task. working from home with her there could be a disaster for both of you. her needs are endless, you have to somehow meet your own first.

[skygazer]

2. It's incredibly difficult to live with someone who is mentally ill

I'm bi-polar and I have suffered a lifetime of guilt for the agony I've put my family through. Which does not help the symptoms at all.

It's virtually impossible to understand what it's like to feel the way your sister does if you've never felt it. That's because we who suffer have no words to describe what we're feeling.

Let me try, though.

People often think of the Depression cycle of bi-polar as "being sad" or "feeling down." They often wonder why people can't just think about all the good things in their lives and "feel better." The truth is that people who suffer from Depression don't just feel it when things are bad - it's a relative constant, a feeling of utter hopelessness. It's like waking up in the morning and seeing nothing but a long, dark corridor in front of you that leads inexorably onward. And there is no light at the end of it. You wake up every day and that corridor is the same - you get so you can't bear to see it. It's all you know.

Then a manic cycle hits. Some bi-polars almost enjoy the manic cycle because at least it's a change from the Depressive. I hate them, possibly even worse than the other. They're like a coke binge to me, so much excess energy it makes me grit my teeth, I talk nonsense, I'm constantly tapping a foot or my fingertips. The only up side is I get a lot of housework done - I'll do twenty loads of laundry, re-arrange the furniture and clean all the ceilings in one day.

You can't just make yourself better. If you could, believe me, we would. Your sister constantly analyzes things because for us, so many things are just a jumble in our heads. It's like an overload. She's trying to keep it straight. She talks about herself and her problems because they are the uppermost things in her life - they are her life.

How you can help - I've found for me that just basic structure in my life helps so much. If you can guide her toward some structure - regular bedtimes, regular mealtimes, regular routines - that can help. What it does is regulate some things in one's life so they are one less thing to have to remember or think about.

Try to get her outside, taking walks, preferably in nature. Nature is incredibly soothing. I've found nothing helps me get the kinks out like a walk in the woods.

I hope this helps a little. It's not easy and don't be too hard on yourself if you find you just can't handle it.

[hunter]

3. Sometimes you can't fix what is broken.

Part of your being exhausted may be that you have set yourself up for an impossible task.

Your sister is fifty, and not likely to change at this point in any significant way.

My grandma was only functional within some very narrow parameters. To any rational observer it was immediately obvious that she was insane outside those parameters, and I mean insane with all the negative connotations of that word. My grandma was overwhelmed by meaningless obsessions, compulsions, and memories, and she was trying to keep everything together by drinking too much alcohol.

But my mom exhausted herself trying to keep my grandma together in the eye's of the outside world, and in her own eyes, until the day my grandma died. My mom was always looking for some meaning in my grandma's madness -- some hook by which she might pull a sane person out of that mess. That hopeless task became one of my mom's own obsessions, and she always let it drag her down, even when most of us had figured out there was little else to do but let my grandma live in her own world, no matter how small and horrible and confining that world looked to outsiders.

Modern drugs might have helped my grandma (they certainly help me!) but that's not always going to be the case.

You can't let the chaos that exists in your sister's head drag you down. You just have to be practical, as hard as that may be for you, do what you can within good reason so that she is safe, so that the people she is involved with are safe, and simply let everyting else blow on past you like clouds in the sky.

[EFerrari]

4. The problem I had in understanding my husband is that

his awareness and insight and boundaries WAFFLED on him. He was by no means helpless! But, his brain jerked him around but good sometimes.

There are probably better and no so better times for you to communicate important things to your sister? When are they?

And, good for you, DH, for asking great questions and for helping us all think about these very important issues.

:toast:

/clarity

[blue neen]

5. My son is b-p.

We have been told by family therapists that being self-centered is part of the illness, hence the constant talking about herself. I believe that it is because the brain chemicals are stuck and do not let you think about other things. It's a matter of just trying to survive. Everything hurts, your body, your brain, your soul. How can you think about others when you are in constant pain?

Her illness probably has somewhat caused her to be stuck in adolescence. It's difficult to have the common sense that comes naturally as people mature. Decisions are difficult, proper social interaction is difficult.

I would suggest that you find some kind of support group/therapy for yourself. It does help to understand where some of this behavior is coming from...it still hurts an awful lot, but it helps everyone involved, including your sister, when you can understand just what some of the issues are.

I salute you for looking for assistance. :)

:hi:

[Dirty Hippie]

6. I want to thank everyone for their responses

I've read each one several times and they are very helpful.

I'm so torn between my desire to help her (but not inappropriately) and my own desire to be selfish. I've just finished raising my kids and I really want to be alone.

[EFerrari]

7. Here's a link to an essay I posted a long time ago

It's about a slightly different situation, but it may be helpful.

And good for you, DH, for asking questions. :hi:

http://www.democraticunderground.com/discuss/duboard.php?az=view_all&address=276x1036#1041

[hunter]

8. Wow. Thanks. I came to this group after you first posted that.

I'm glad you posted it again.

A further complication, maybe related to this thread is the genetic component of these things.

In my own family we are riddled with mental health problems, and there is a strong tendency for those who are functional to believe it is because they are somehow "stronger" than those who are not as functional. But the harder truth is that the various mental illnesses are simply stronger in those who are not as functional.

I also know that one of the reasons my grandma could make my mom so upset was that my mom and grandma both had very similar obstacles to overcome within their own heads, simply because those obstacles were genetic.

The hell of it is that my mom and dad get along so well together because they come from similar backgrounds of crazy people -- within both their families extreme sorts of weirdness and eccentricity were accepted as normal. I had three grandparents whose grasp of reality was rather tenuous by the time I got to know them.

I look at my own kids and it's a wonder to me that they get to grow up in a family where their grandparents are fairly normal, and not prone to drift off in conversation along unknowable tangents.

My mom's mom could tell you in great detail about every animal she ever knew, her horses, her dogs, her cats, their personalities and their quirks, when they were born and when and how they died, but she rarely talked about people, and then it was mostly to express her current irritations with them.

My dad's dad was a brilliant man, an engineer very interested in religion and politics, but he really didn't have any friends, and he didn't see anything terribly innappropriate about trying to discuss electronic and optical theory with little kids. I think I started catching on to some of what he was saying when I was eight or nine, but my siblings didn't have the idiotic kind of patience I did, and sometimes my grandfather would get frustrated with them and say they were "no good."

Sigh.

[EFerrari]

9. My grandma struggled with depression and also got frustrated

and used to tell me I had a bad character. I was four and don't think I had a character yet. :rofl: