I just don't know anymore (can't think, can't see, can't do anything)

[no name no slogan]

I started cutting again today. It's been many many years since I did this. Nothing big, just a couple shallow gashes on my arm. I am almost at the end of my rope. I'm ready for the hospital again because I don't know what to do anymore.

I had an argument with my on/off girlfriend last night and she hung up on me. I'm starting to realize she's cruel and nasty and just "does not get it". She's started seeing somebody else (behind my back) even though I still thought we were together.

Thankfully a very close ex-girlfriend has been talking me through this the last few days. You may know her as Sugar Smack on DU. She's been a godsend. She listens to me, shares with me, and affirms me. Even though we're not a couple anymore I still love her very much. If not for her I'd be in the hospital or worse.

And then there's my gig tonight. The first one in ten years. I was really looking forward to it all this week, but now I don't know. I called my gf this morning at work and "disinvited" her, because I don't want her around me right now. I'm really afraid to screw this one up. I had a lot of confidence yesterday, but now....

I don't know why I'm posting this. I just need to vent I guess.

[DemExpat]

1. All I can say....

is that I had a few good books that helped me through similar bad times. (After my years of psychotherapy). One on Borderline with tips to find substitutes for self-harming behaviors as well as for rapidly changing states of despair and reasonable confidence.....for times of feeling disassociated from myself...and one book with excellent advice for panic attacks. Sounds ridiculous in the light of such dire problems, but they really were my friends and support through terrible times.

These helped me most when I didn't have a counselor or good friend handy, and actually helped me more than a friend as these problems are beyond capabilities of even the dearest and closest ones, IMHO.

Hope that your gig goes well, and I wish you strength in sorting out your relationship with your girlfriend - one way or the other.

Any way to make it clear to your therapist about your increasing sense of losing it?


:hug:

DemEx

[no name no slogan]

6. thanks

I have a bunch of bipolar books I'm reading but I can't concentrate on much right now. I'm on medical leave from work and doing a day program but I don't think it's working.

I have a beta blocker my doc prescribed for hi-pressure situations so maybe I'll take one of those. Anything right now.

[EFerrari]

2. And this is a good place to vent.

:hug: to you, my dear friend.

Please consider, no matter how much you cut, it won't do what you want it to do.

What are you needing? We're listening.

[no name no slogan]

3. I don't know what I need anymore

the day program doesn't seem to be working. I can't go to my job. I can't eat. I hate my life. If I had any courage I would end it all, but I don't want to hurt the people I love. It would devastate my mother and she's got enough to worry about.

I don't know how I got this bad-- and it's not even that bad compared to what most people are going through. I'm so lost.

Thank you for being a concerned listener. I really do need to play this gig tonight, somehow. I don't know how I'll do it but I will.

[EFerrari]

4. When in doubt, break it down, my friend.

An hour to rest, some time to prepare, and so on.

:hug:

I can't tell you how much I relate.

Take care of you, even a few at a time.

[DemExpat]

5. I write down what I want to achieve in a certain time frame....

and this helps me focus on it and forget the tornado forces all around.

Breaking it down is really all we can do sometimes to survive.

DemEx

[no name no slogan]

7. thanks that's what I'll do

I packed up most my gear and put it by the door. I have to go to my practice space to get a music stand. Then to the coffee house. One step at a time.

:hug:

[EFerrari]

8. Kicking for an update when/if you feel like posting one.

[no name no slogan]

9. THANKS! Here's an update...

I did the gig last night. It went pretty well-- at least that's what everybody said. I'm a perfectionist, so naturally I could find a lot of fault, but those who witnessed it said it was well done, and that's what really counts.

One of the cuts on my arm is looking kind of gory but it doesn't hurt much. They weren't too deep, thankfully, so I imagine they'll heal up okay. I cleaned them out right after I did them so I guess I was a little sane yesterday.

Unfortunately I was so buzzed last night that I forgot to take my night meds (Lithium and Ambien), so I didn't fall asleep until 2:00 a.m. I popped the Lithium this morning instead, but it tends to make me lethargic, so it's kind of hard to get myself in gear. Ah well, at least I'm here.

Thanks so much for your concern! :hug: :hug: :hug:

[EFerrari]

10. Yay for a little sanity, lol! And for a well done gig!

:applause:

[no name no slogan]

11. THANKS!

If I hadn't done it, I probably would have worked myself into a fit and ended up at the emergency room. So it was totally worth it!

[DemExpat]

12. Very well done, nnns!

I mean it when I say I have deep admiration and respect for those who keep on doing the things they know are important to them, but who sometimes don't know how in the world it is going to come off because of very difficult states of mind.

Looking back, I quit far too many things myself in those years.

:thumbsup:

:hug:

DemEx

[EFerrari]

14. Me, too, DemEx. I stopped acting because my panic disorder

was so bad, I died a thousand deaths before going on stage. Once there, some other thing kicked in, but the 24 hours before every performance was utter, undiluted hell for me. It was too bad, too, because I was cast a lot and really was engaged in the actual performing part. Oh, well.

I admire no name no slogan for going on somehow, anyway. :toast:

[DemExpat]

17. It is too bad, dear, but 24 hours of hell before a performance is not

"do-able", and undermines physical and mental health. Some things we have to let go, very sadly, but I let too many things go until I had nothing left. I "should have" prioritized and not given in so easily to every fear and to such a grand scale.

:hug:

DemEx

[EFerrari]

18. We work with what we have.

:toast:

[no name no slogan]

16. thanks so much!

This was my first "public" gig in ten years, so I know exactly what you mean about giving up stuff we love. I'd been looking forward to the gig all week and it was one of the few things that gave me a reason to keep on going. I'm glad I didn't let her ruin it for me.

:hug:

[undergroundpanther]

13. It hurts like hell

Abusive relationships for some reason form strong attachments. There is something in Narcissists and asshole people that make non assholes form attachments that are too strong and defy logic. It's kinda like stockholm syndrome.

I left an abusive relationship myself this past year and it was hard. Not only did I hate him I basically sealed the door shut on this house/tomb I live in.Because he could drive,I can't.

No matter how big of an asshole she was, there is still stuff to grieve over. I mean think the good times, the promise of a companion,the trust, the investment you put into them..
Letting yourself grieve is part of letting go.

As for cutting don't be so hard nosed,over it. Unless it was an attempt to kill yourself if it was that, yeah check yourself in.But cutting isn't always grounds for locking yourself up.. It is sometimes a way to regulate emotions that would, if not distracted by cutting ,would overwhelm you and put you in REAL danger.
Sure it's a more primitive coping mechanism.There should be other ways,But it serves a function even now. And that function might be to save your life.

The jerk you left, she has the advantage of not being blinded by loyalty, tenderness, vulnerability, all the things we mistake for love.

You on the other hand get wounded for trusting. It
s an evil world that makes this so, but remember you can care and that makes you a better person.Sometimes being the better person really carries a terrible burden.
But at the same time know things will change for you.
Give it time.Let yourself grieve until she is burned out of you. Talk to Sugar Smack talk to DU until you have said all you wanted to say.
Sugar Smack is a sweetheart, Tell her Underground Panther thinks so and tell her HI and tell her to take good care of you,I'll box her with my paw(claws in of course).. *smirk*
You,no name or slogan, YOU take care of YOU.

[EFerrari]

15. And that's why I asked what folks know about traumatic bonding

in that other thread.

Have I said lately how much I love your posts, our favorite cat? :loveya:

[undergroundpanther]

19. Purr purr

And whiskery hugs to you..... and ALL the rest of you here!

[no name no slogan]

20. I agree with sf-- this is an excellent post!

Thank you so much for posting this. It reinforces what I thought the whole time.

The whole blow up started when I went to my mom's one Sunday, after we had a bad argument on Saturday and I was feeling bad from an abscessed tooth. I left her a couple voicemails and a text message telling her I was going out of town, but didn't say why, other than I was sick.

I texted the gf a couple times, just to let her know I was okay, because I was too upset/depressed to call. I even texted her my mom's #, and said she could call if she wanted to. I came back on Thursday and called her, and told her I was having a depressive episode, probably triggered by the abscess, the antibiotics and the vicodin I took for the pain.

Well, she got all pissed off because I didn't tell her WHY I went to my mom's -- saying that I lied to her about it when I told her I was sick (yeah, I'd call near-suicidal depression "sick"). She holds grudges, and brought this up in subsequent arguments, too.

Here I am, already depressed, looking for a little compassion and understanding, and she accused me of being a liar and untruthful.

Thanks again for being so supportive. It's at times like this when you learn who your real friends are.

:hug:

[mopinko]

22. antibiotics and llithium

could very well have been the cause of your episode. some antibiotics interfere with lithium metabolism. be very careful with them.
and my completely unprofessional thoughts on your cuts- maybe you should be tending them with a little self love. a peroxide wash, some antibiotic ointments, bandages, no poking or picking. maybe i am just being stupid, but maybe it is a little symbolic act that might do you some good. (my daughter used to cut. she doesn't any more, but she is now old enough to start collecting tattoos. i did not know that she was doing it at the time. it is not something that we have been able to talk about.)
take care, nnns.

[flamingyouth]

21. Hey nnns

Congrats on playing the gig! That's awesome! :yourock:

I understand about cutting. I too am a cutter and did it again this spring after one of our cats died, then I got in a huge fight with my mom, who's not well and, well, you probably know how these things can spiral out of control. If not for my fiance I'd probably have ended up in the hospital too. Luckily it was just an extra trip to my doctor - albeit accompanied by him. ;)

But anyway, I'm really proud of you. Congrats! Take care. :hug:

[Larissa238]

23. *hugs*

Cutting is bad, but sometimes it's better than the alternative. I used to cut to try and get the depression out, and make me feel better. It got to a point where I would be doing it everyday, and relied on it to get me through. But there is hope. You saying that you started again meant that you stopped at one point, and that's something to be proud of. You can do it again.

I had a similar situation with the girlfriend thing. My ex ended up falling in love with my other ex (yeah, I know, drama) and she wanted to be with both of us at the same time. When I tried to get her to choose, she couldn't, so I made the choice for her. It was hard, but she was abusive anyways, so it was a good thing. Think of this as a time to find someone better. At least you have Sugar Smack to be there for you. You have a good friend to talk to in times of trouble. Find solace in that, because a lot of people don't have that.

And congrats on being able to go up there and do your gig. That's something to be proud of as well.