Getting a little scared..

[undergroundpanther]

Well I am going into another depression I fear. I just realized I am so tired my muscles just hurt.I ain't doing much there is no reason for this pain. I feel sluggish slow and dull.No motivation at all to do art or anything really. I'm so tired half the time I feel like I was being drugged. But no I'm not.

My therapist has me checking out another day program I went for the intake and already they are being crotches over language WTF is it with the puritanical crap? Don't these fucking staff realize people cuss for a REASON? When I feel oppressed trapped and such and some authoritarian twit tries to dominate I cuss MORE. They keep dragging my attention to it ,with their tsk tsking,and investing so much into the damn taboo, it becomes one of the few ways to NOT become a fucking prisoner of the coercion that goes on inside these places.

No wonder my life is so pathetic I go to a fucking program because I am trapped HERE. Trapped here because I dated a shit head.I gave away my life and I get THIS...The anger I feel is tremendous. But so is this sadness. I put the fucking noose around my neck because the isolation of this goddamn car adoring anti human suburban blight hellhole is no different than being in a jail to me,and where can I go to at least be around something besides four walls Ooh I get to go to Another sort of jail,a coercive fucking jail where the appearance OF appropriateness means more than sanity.

I hate it when"professional" people try to coerce me into talking in the way they want me to for no reason other than some vague excuse,which is really the cover for CONTROL games.. It angers me deeply, it triggers me and it provokes me.It makes me HATE them .I don't want to hate them but if these FUCKERS wanna try to bully me with schoolmarm bullshit as an ADULT.. into conforming into doing what they want and is against myself Just to create an appearance of purity of all things,(to impress whom I'll never know) .

Well, shit I will not go there,and play nice peacefully than.They shot the first missile, at me. Than I warned them of my triggers,just so they would not poke them.What did they do? Poke 'em. Why can't these stupid ass programs grow the FUCK UP!!

Everyone is different everyone has reasons to be as they are,and everyone has a right to BE what they are,and Staff needs to stop micromanaging language there are bigger fish to fry like helping people heal.Client based recovery my ASS..Goddammit I get so sick of the boat load of shit they call " client driven recovery" . It's just client controlled in WORDS only. These places haven't changed .It is a JOKE a very cruel and inhuman ,profit driven,state controlled, poverty bashing, paternalistic not funny at all joke.And the anger I feel never ceases over control freak assholes.

I cuss to keep myself from knocking their "professional" fucking teeth in. Cussing is for me since I am and do feel oppressed by a miserable life, and oppressed by the fucking "mental health" system and oppressed by this fucking suburban jail and the loneliness it is for me,cussing keeps me from just not caring anymore and strangling the shit out of the uptight two white hypocrites full of shit and everything that symbolizes what I hate about this system this place,
It is an emotional control mechanism,I use to maintain MY own kind of emotional balance I have within me more anger than the oceans have water,and to cuss has another purpose as well to remind all meddling petty paternalistic tyrants to leave me my identity the fuck alone,I rebel it is my nature to be what I am.

For me cussing is also how I stay safe and control myself within. Cussing is better than fists right?. With cussing I can without triggering the ocean of rage,inside I can remind any so called professional ,uptight, bullies within earshot they cannot control the world or me it reminds them to not coerce me, and to remind authoritarians I do not believe in their power and to remind them every fucking time they speak to me,I have no respect for authoritarians.

Because cussing serves this function not just for me but fora sizable chunk of rebellious humanity, this is precisely why they are so petty and stupid about it.

This fucking throwback to puritanical language taboo games in the name of social coercion and the make believe normal they represent. IS STIGMA!!.I hate this culture I hate this society I hate all authority and I hate petty"professional" tyrants.

I want to scream at them, Dumbass I am a fucking adult, you assholes !!If I watch TV, go to a movie, walk on the street most people cuss and I don't care .Why Because I am AN ADULT. Why? Because I know that's life, life is dirt messy and sometimes offensive and you cannot pretend it's possible to make everyone else be pure in a world as enraging,sickening,disgusting as this one is, without driving yourself crazy. Walking on eggshells,I don't wanna play make believe and walk on eggshells it will drive me crazy!!

So why are staff already up my crawl on the INTAKE appointment already insisting, and pretending we all are CHILDREN and can't hear FUCK without going into a crisis.Talk about STIGMA! Fuuuck! In ALL the programs I have been in NOBODY gave a damn about cussing except for the religious bullies and staff.How come the few religious bullies get so catered to for??

I am also scared, again I fear I go getting stuck with a bunch of fucking paternalistic shit heads!!
These do gooder bullies are everywhere in this fucking system and I wish I could just kill them all. I hate hate HATE having to be so fucked up that I even have to bother to ASK for help from such stigmatizing coercive and idiotic blind and manipulative people as the "professional for your own good assholes are..I really do.

Fuck this world.Fuck it ALL..If they so much as harass me, they will be sorry. I can argue them into a box and impale on their goddamn control games so bad they'll look like assholes to the clients and their appearance of authority will be diminished. I'll rip that mask they wear right off in front of everyone. I don't care..

If power over is what and they insist on I will deliver more power than they ever bargained for. Don't tell an enraged tiger not react to the idiots who insist on cracking a whip on the tiger's back for no reason other than social control and their own feelings of superiority, to the tiger.They need to learn how to be human,and expect my teeth and claws to make that point painfully clear. This "authoritarian discipline" is not part of any sort of recovery for me..It it a terrible trigger.

Fuck this world fuck it all it is a planet of shit.I can't make myself love ithere, I hate itit is a toxic hell. I never asked for this life but here I am. AAARgh!. I just WANT OUT I want peace,I want a haven ,an asshole free zone. I found one but I cannot get there. Screwed by CAR APARTHEID!and fucking RICH people who never thought to bother to invest in a BUS SYSTEM.!!FUCK!.

I saw a T shirt it said

Depression is Anger without the Enthusiasm...

I am so pissed off, so sad ,scared and I feel like I am walking into a jail one jail for another jail just this one has more obnoxious wall paper. Anyway you look at it my life sucks.I hope it ends soon.
I am depressed and pissed and I don't have any enthusiasm ,really I just hurt.

I don't need no arms around me
And I don't need no drugs to calm me.
I have seen the writing on the wall.
Don't think I need anything at all.
No! Don't think I'll need anything at all.
All in all it was all just bricks in the wall.
All in all you were all just bricks in the wall.

Another Brick In The Wall, Part 3

(Roger Waters)