Hey kids. I'm back in the hospital. Yay.

[no name no slogan]

Hey everybody I know I haven't been around lately but I just wanted to say I'm safe and back in the hospital. The thoughts of "I want to die" turned into "I want to die and I know how to kill myself" on Sunday, so I decided it was best to go to the acute psych ward instead of risk it.

So here I am in one of the best units in the area, if not the world, on the suicide watch list. I am feeling a lot safer and less anxiety though, which is good. I don't know how long I'll be here, 72 hours at least.

I hope we can get things sorted out this time. Going to the hospital once a year is ridiculous.

Hope y'all are doing well.

[EFerrari]

1. Good for you. It's not ridiculous to take care of yourself.

Is the food any good? :)

:hug:

[no name no slogan]

2. the food ROCKS

This is the best place I've been so far. GREAT staff, not overworked, helpful, compassionate, plus a private room. It would be a great vacation if I didn't feel like killing myself :P

hope you are doing well. I'm getting there....

[EFerrari]

3. That's good to hear, all of it.

If the Universe sends you good people and good food, you must be doing something right. :)

[flamingyouth]

4. Thinking of you, friend.

:hug:

[Larissa238]

5. *big hugs*

I have been there myself more than a time or two. At least you are in a nice hospital and not a ghetto one (which they have a lot of in Los Angeles, where I'm from). I have never heard of one that has internet access, so that's cool at least. I wish you the best, and hope that you feel better :)

[SCRUBDASHRUB]

6. I'm glad you checked into the hospital. We're pulling for you.

(((((hugs))))

[fizzgig]

7. i'm glad you're safe

:hug:

[no name no slogan]

8. Crazy-ass update

Well, I decided to do this study for a new use of a previously FDA-approved medication, since my current coctail isn't working for me.

Unfortunately, it involves going off of my four current psych meds and staying "clean" for a week before they start the trial. I will be staying with my mother that week because there's no way in hell I want to be med-free and living alone (I doubt I'll work, either).

I started detoxing today and should be done by Monday, at which point I'll leave the hospital and go live in my mom's basement, again.

And if any of you make any jokes about losers living in their moms' basements, I'll laugh right along with you. :D

[EFerrari]

9. Hey, you. One week? is that enough time to do the change over?

:wtf:

And, don't EVER diss the family. That's what families are for, :)

:hug:
:grouphug:

[no name no slogan]

10. That's what I said, too

:wtf:

Hopefully they change their minds. Today was bad enough: didn't sleep last night, plus they're riding my ass to get something done, and somebody ate my breakfast by mistake. It's enough to make a guy go crazy-- oh, wait, already did that didn't I?

At least I got my guitar this time. It makes things a lot easier coping-wise. Plus I've got a couple song ideas and finally have the time (and hopefully the focus) to work on them, maybe. ;)

[EFerrari]

11. Is the week thing about insurance coverage?

Don't let people go eating your breakfast, man.

My kid loaned me one of his old basses and it's been sitting here for months -- he even brought me a tiny little amp that looks like something a hobbit would use. I'm just about ready to break it out.

:hug:

[no name no slogan]

12. Definitely bust it out and bust a move

I would recommend you funk up that place as soon as possible.

I think they're sending me to mom's because it's pretty close to the hospital plus I theoretically won't need the intense clinical attention that I get at the hospital. I've got pretty good insurance so that's thankfully not an issue (one good thing about working for the gubmint-- the bennies are huge).

I'm fully off one med, and down to about 25% on the other three. I'm a bit woozy today but still able to function. I even got half a new song written yesterday and have been amusing the fellow patients with my music, which is really fun. I'm getting a chance to deal with some of my mental baggage too, so that's also a plus.

I just wish they'd put mints on the pillows. Then it would feel like the Ramada. ;)

[hunter]

14. Aggggghhhhhh! Med changes.

:scared:

Fortunately it sounds like you know the routine and have good resources, so best of luck to you!

[undergroundpanther]

16. Hey

I live in my moms house.I'm 42. Oh well sometimes life doesn't let you become a "success story" .And frankly I'm not even sure I want to be.
When she lived here I WAS in her basement with my ex.No shame in being at moms house because life is not easy especially with mental illness or poverty or both eating you alive..

Fuck this over weening ambition driven culture we have that sells that 'independence' through wealth and status is self worth bullshit.

[Tandalayo_Scheisskopf]

13. Man, nothing but the best for you.

Great doctors, killer therapists, meds that work like magic and have no side effects and never a bad thought again.

And I wish I had some of that food. Can you send me a doggie bag? ;-)

[EFerrari]

15. Hey -- get in line!

lol

[EFerrari]

17. Do you have an update?

Holding you in my thoughts, my friend. :hi:

[no name no slogan]

19. Hey hey hey, here's an update

in the interest of full disclosure (privacy be damned), I'm being treated at the Mayo Clinic (yup, the same one Pat Kennedy went to last year), which IMHO is the greatest medical type place in the world. I checked out of the hospital one week ago and am staying with my mom for now.

I have completely "washed out" of all my previous psych meds. The withdrawal was the WORST. Rumor has it it's a lot like coming off heroin or cocaine. The cold sweats, nausea, body aches, constant headache, wikked-kewl mood swings, etc.

Because of some irregularities in an EKG and my sorry-ass condition, I ended up washing out of the drug study. However, the doc in charge of the study agreed to treat me regardless and has been a saint through this whole thing. She's even coordinating care with my regular psychiatrist which is a huge plus for me.

On tuesday night, I started on Trileptal, a mood stabilizer. I don't think it's done much yet, as I am still having crazy-ass manic episodes at night and sleeping erratically, even with the Ambien. I see my regular psych on monday and expect to be put on an anti-depressant then, as I'm still pretty down. However, it's not a good idea to put bipolars like myself on anti-ds while not on a mood stabilizer because it could trigger a manic episode (speaking from personal experience here, unfortunately), which is why we're waiting a week so that the mood stabilizer gets a chance to even things out.

I hope everybody is well and I think about you guys often. My internet access is a bit less than usual right now but I'll do my best to keep in touch and let you know how things are hanging, metaphorically speaking. :D

[EFerrari]

20. Wow. That IS a great place! I'm so happy for you, nnns!

And I hear you about the anti-ds. Been there, seen that. (Switching meds can be like having a civil war in your bloodstream.)

Best to you and to your mom.

:hug:

Beth

[no name no slogan]

21. thanks so much!

I also did a genetic/enzyme blood test on Wednesday-- the p450 I believe it's called. It checks to see what kind of drug metabolizer you are, and can a clue as to what drugs will work best with your chemestry, depending on the presence (or lack of) an enzyme. In theory, this should make it easier to prescribe meds that will work on me. The test itself is still debatable among many in the medical community as it's only been around for a couple years, but I'm still hopeful.

Yesterday was really good, but I think I'm going a bit manic. I went all day yesterday and had the strange "mood burst" again last night. Then I accidently took a double dose of the mood stabilizer last night before bed, and only slept about five hours for the second night in a row (I usually need nine, and have been sleeping twelve). I also ran a few miles for the first time in MONTHS and can't seem to kill off the nervous energy. I have a phone consultation w/ the Mayo doc today though so I'll be sure to check with her.

I have to say the hypomania is a welcome departure from the massive depression. Unfortunately I have this huge HUGE urge to go buy a new iPod and/or guitar so I have to watch it-- especially since I haven't earned any income in a couple months. And my "driving nerves" are a bit tense which is another one of my warning signs. :D

Thanks again for caring Beth. You're definitely one of the good guys!!!!

[EFerrari]

22. Have you thought about replacing running with a gentler exercise?

Running made me too hyper so I switched to other stuff. I've never asked a doctor about that but just didn't like being tipped over into jitters.

That blood test sounds really interesting. It could save time and effort and frustration!

[no name no slogan]

23. that's what a nurse at the hospital asked me too

I normally do the bikes or ellipticals at the Y, but I don't have a gym membership at my mom's place. Now that I'm off Zoloft my knees don't hurt as much so it's a bit easier, too.

Still waiting on the P450 test.... hopefully it's done before my regular psych appointment otherwise I'll be quite pee oh'd.

:hi:

[Wiley50]

24. Just wanted to say that I've been on a stable dose of Trileptal for almost 4 years now

600mg morning and night

with 30mg Remeron at night

I never even know I'm taking anything

And my mood problems are just a memory now

Good Luck and stick with it

[no name no slogan]

25. Right now I'd kill for a four-year relapse

The longest I've had so far has been about a year since I first got diagnosed with major depression 13 years ago (that diagnosis was changed to bipolar disorder last winter). In those 13 years, I've been on six anti-depressants and three mood stabilizers (litium, Lamictal, Trileptal, etc.). I'm up to 600mg Trileptal now (target is 900mg) and the past couple days have really sucked-- almost like being unmedicated).

The Trileptal sounds promising though. It's funny, because it's not even FDA approved for bipolar, altough they've used it in Europe for 10+ years as a treatment. If you check their website (www.trileptal.com), there's no mention of bipolar at all.

[Wiley50]

26. The Shrink Who first Prescribed it to me was a Research Shrink and Dept Head at Vanderbilt

I have a lot of faith in him. It wasn't some wacko at a county mental heath dept

For what that is worth

[Rising Phoenix]

18. best of luck

take good care of yourself in there....I wish you all the best...and I am very proud of you getting help when you needed it...sometimes its not that easy :hug: