How do you deal with someone who has a narcissitic personality disorder?

[Blue_Roses]

My older sister is living with my mother after a divorce and she is being so cruel to my mother. It is verbal abuse at this time--and I want to get her out before it become worse. She's been there two months now and she says she wants out of there but can't find a job. She will only take the highest paying secretary jobs and won't "stoop" to doing manual labor:eyes: (in other words, she thinks she's too good to work period)

I talked with her last night for two hours and she has so much anger toward my mother and father (he was physically abusive) that I feel this is some of why she is so mean to my mother. My mother is 87 years-old and my sister is in her 50's. She has no children and no car (it got reposed)

She actually told me she wants to find a man to take care of her (good luck with that). When I tried to ask her what is her "passion" and what would she like to do that (work wise) she would enjoy, she said, "my passion is to be with a man who will love me and take care of me."

She has every sign of narcissistic personality disorder, takes NO blame for the horrible situation she's in, thinks everyone is beneath her, however, she said she is very lonely. (she goes from saying this to saying she likes her life:crazy:

She's driving my mother nuts, 'cause my mother said she will never put her out since she has no where to go, but I'm afraid she's taking such a toll on her, she's going to put her in an early grave.

Any advice--PLEASE!

[mopinko]

1. hard question to answer.

maybe there is none. and i know that you are not in a place and situation where there is a lot of professional help available, but that is the only thing that i know that can help. sounds to me like your sister is punishing your mother, and your mother feels like she deserves it. maybe she does? sometimes the chickens come home to roost.
there just is not much you can do for a person who does not think they need help. that goes for both of them.
good luck to you.

[Blue_Roses]

2. My mother is not the problem

totally. I think she DOES enable her to stay stuck because she tries to fix her and "care" for her, when really she just needs to let her bottom out. With that said, my mother has been the saving grace in this family. She married an abusive man during the 1940's and was a victim of the silence in that generation. Unfortunately, so were my sisters (I have 3). I faired much better with him being as I was the youngest, however, I did catch the wrath of him at times.

The difference is, I got help and she didn't. She went on to douse herself in drugs and alcohol at a very early age and it went downhill from there. Now at fifty-five years-old, divorced, and no children (thank God!) it's catching up with her and we are in the middle of it. Last night she and my older sister got into a huge fight about the verbal abuse she is inflicting on my mother. It got REAL ugly. I wasn't there, but I heard the details--from mom and sis.

It's just nuts. I've been doing a lot of reading and searching on NPD and I don't think there's much that can be done in the form of therapy. I've decided we just need to take care of ourselves and my mother.

:(

[mopinko]

3. i agree about help for your sister.

as far as straightening out a personality disorder. not much to do at this point in time, hers and the professions. i had in mind more like al anon, or a social worker, or someone to support your mom in a) getting sis out of the house and b) forgiving herself.
other than that, if your other sisters are around, and united, maybe you can get together and toss sis. give her an ultimatum, help her get whatever assistance is out there that she is entitled to, then help her pack.
sometimes there is nothing else to do. i recently had to toss my daughter, not so much for her actions as for the actions and interactions of her sleazy, crazy boyfriend. hard as that was at the time, and sure as i am that she will land back here some day, i am enjoying the peace and quiet without her. i just don't have to live with people who hate me. neither does your mom. maybe you can tell her i said so.
best of luck there. it is a hard row to hoe.

[mdmc]

4. perhaps she would be willing to marry an illegal alien?

Her hardworking illegal husband would love her (and her citizenship) and would work hard to care for her.

With the abuse in her past she will have a hard time being nice to your moms, imho.

The best thing would be for your mother to set some ground rules re: kindness (toward mom). If sis cant follow the house rules, it is time to evict her and send her to emergency housing / homeless shelter. Some tough love might protect your mom and prompt your sis to change her ways.

Best of luck to you and yours and I hope everything works out well for your family.

[Blue_Roses]

5. lol!

maybe marrying an illegal alien is the answer:rofl:

Got a point there. She could boss him around all she wanted...

Thanks for the kind thoughts:)

[Writer]

6. I will be very straight with you: you can't deal with a narcissist.

I highly recommend that you get your mother out of there as soon as possible.

Narcissists are highly incurable because they will not admit there is a problem and will shun treatment.

The very best of luck to you.

~Writer~

[marions ghost]

7. you have assessed this situation accurately

it seems to me. Without any more info than you have given here, it's hard to be real specific, but my instincts say you are on the right track.

If you really want to help your mother, you will help her get out from under the oppression of your sister in whatever way that might work with the least damage to all. Can Mom visit other family members at all?

Try hard to keep in mind that your sister is in need of help too, but don't expect to turn a narcissist around. NPD is usually a lifelong affliction IMO. Narcissists are very unhappy beneath the surface, but they can hide that very well. Meanwhile people closest to them just get sucked under and abused, especially if they don't provide the narcissist's "supply"--shoring up their idealized image of themselves. Keep your guard up at all times.

Deal with the living situation as practically and business-like as possible. Try hard to keep emotions out of it and avoid wrangling. Just go with simple statements of fact like "this isn't working." or "You know it would be best for everybody if you got your own place." or "You know you want to move on, so how can we help with that?"

I have found that with working with narcissists that putting things in terms of what's better for THEM
will often get more compliance. The more extreme cases really have no empathy or feeling for others, and if this is true in your sister's case, she won't respond to arguments that your Mom (or anybody else) needs to be considered.

It's hard dealing with this, but applause to you for trying to give your Mom some peace in her latter years.

[grasswire]

8. elder abuse

That's what's going on. And I suspect that there are resources available for elders in this kind of situation.

As the survivor of a marriage to a malignant narcissist, I echo the reality that they are resistant to therapy, incredibly cruel and manipulative, and to be avoided.

Is there someone who could provide some advice/assistance without getting your sister entangled in the legal system? A family friend who might interact with her in a way that persuades her that being with your mother is NOT in her own interest? A minister? A mental health worker who understands NPD?

If you have to get a county social worker involved, then you must. One good thing to know is that NPD-ers fear authorities and are not known to engage in physical violence.

Oh, and another thing. Are your mother's assets secure? You might want to safeguard her in that way, if possible.