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Edited on Tue Jan-01-08 06:15 PM by undergroundpanther
I thought I found 'true love' with my ex. It was fabulous when we first met ,he had a great sense of humor,a tender heart,he seemed so fun and full of life and so how like I used to be. I was even led to think he too had a taste for adventure too. He acted like he had an understanding of what a relationship was about ..as in good relating together.. I was wrong.
He turned out to be more trouble than he was worth. He had it pretty good almost up until I kicked him out. At first it appeared as if he really cared about me as a person, It blew my mind he actually gave two shits how I felt..but eventually all that changed as he revealed to me his real self,which was hypocritical,critical,he never wanted to go anywhere or do anything fun, it was like pulling teeth to get him to do something fun like art scape or a concert things I thought he liked too. He couldn't stand me having any aspirations of my own and in a indirect way he sought to crush,out do,over ride my aspirations,or at the least offer me no encouragement or support for my dreams or what I wanted to do.Since he could not draw he crushed my artistic desires first. Yet he demanded this kind of tolerance and support of me for himself..24 hours a day. If I did not drop everything I was doing,pay attention and support him I was some kind of monster.Never mind I had my own aspirations ,they were forced into the back of the line,to be tended to a someday that would never come.
Over time I was forced to accept reality,he was self absorbed,sloppy,negligent,financially irresponsible,manipulative, addicted(he showed his love of drugs and booze and his work-a-holic tendencies late in the relationship).He came over one day to get his mail and he looked like death warmed over ,as tried to sell me and my roomie some E for 20 bucks) He was so oblivious,defensive,unapproachable, sexually disturbing,uncaring,controlling,narcissistic,emotionally cold, fucking crazy, and abusive to me verbally and emotionally. His creditors call my house.I tell them where he lives now and give them his number apparently they are slow at updating their databases. I still hate him. Even tho I act civil around him for business sake.Every time I see him I get reactively suicidal after he leaves.
It seems every bad personality does this shit ..
A (narcissist,authoritarian,psychopath) puts on a helluva good show at being the loving caring person you seek to relate with until they think they got you trapped.He followed that pattern,he was a very sophisticated abuser and mind fucker.
I think he stayed with me for three reasons.
#1 I was the maid,cook ,fuck toy, sounding board and shrink for him.
#2 I made him able to delude himself he was not gay.
#3 he got off on playing abusive games and disrespecting women and trans-men he was a misogynist.
His little thought out ambitions eventually got us 150,000 in debt,and because I knew the Dot Com bubble was crashing all around us,and I knew he would not so easily be rehired,since all the programming jobs were disappearing fast overseas and he was in la la land and never had to pay attention to things going on in the world that would affect us, I did.
I put out his resume online because he was busy in his own little fantasy world,eventually I futilely realized he was getting no job offers because the shit was gonna hit soon. He threatened to kill himself and kill me in a crying fit when I told him the truth.After that threat I told him he can kill himself but if he dare come after me I would break his ass in two.I was bigger than him and he knew I could do it.So he backed down.
After his tantrum I put my foot down again and I told him we had to sell the house soon as possible before the housing boom went flat to save our asses since he FAILED to put money aside for taxes and lied about it and when I saw the actual amount after much fighting for that simple info, I saw we owed a lot and it scared the shit out of me.
He was oblivious to the danger we were in like usual.
We barely got out of that mess intact we made less than 2,000 bucks for ourselves after selling our dumpy but really well laid out overpriced house ..The rest went to paying off HIS debts. We had 1,000 after all was done and half of mine,after we split it paid for my doctor bills. We lived in my moms basement and I had the shits for a year and my shrink was threatening shock treatments. Fuck that!
He left owing nothing to credit cards or IRS ,because I got us out in time .We got into that mess because of his religious obsessions and the fact he is not responsible with money at all but had to control everything.Typical asshole,male,playing as if he cares. He wanted all the control and none of the responsibility.He left that unsavory job, to me when I saw unopened envelopes piling up that he tried to hide from me..
Glad he is gone. Never again will I trust a guy or woman and fall in love and blind myself like that. I lost ten years to this ass-hat. Never again. My heart will be a fortress until a potential companion EARNS MY trust..Never will nice words and the hope fool me again..No more of a few months of this nice words and gestures ,that over time grow fewer and when the real person I think I am in love with shows me who they are.I refuse to invest my mental stability in anyone else.
I might feel shitty but dammit I know it is my job to fix it even when I haven't a clue how to do it. That bad relationship with my ex started out so nice it really felt like true love.
It progressed quickly eventually he gave nothing back ,over time my friends got alienated from me and he had isolated me over time by stealth an incident here ,an unwanted awkward sexual advance there.Than I lost my own apartment. We lived in a rented place with both our names on the lease.He got religion and I got scared,I would be out in the cold,for it offends god if two people live in sin...I, not knowing how to escape like a fool married him. I lost my health insurance and a lot more, because while I was in denial that it was as bad as it was,this denial also rotted me inside too.
Even after I admitted to myself the relationship was harming me and I sought help only to be ignored ..I still busted my ass to put love into that black hole,like an idiot,I kept reciprocating and working to do my part, giving and giving more while the partner used me,and ignored me to the point even in the same room I was crushed by loneliness and what I had built up of any meager life or desires of my own were crushed into a billion shards..Love blindness will not fool me again.
Sure it feels good at first,just like someone really cares, but in my case it was a lie. I say give it time..If this person is a good person he will earn your trust instead of sweeping you off your feet playing into the dreams you wished could come true.
I say that because eventually the potential person will have to show who they really are and either they really will be good hearted and you will grow to trust and eventually love them,and it will grow better.. or they will be another piece of shit wasting time feeding like a damn psychic vampire or it'll be some kid in an adult body wanting a mommy or some ass hat wanting free maid service and an ego trip,or some other game nobody looking for a good relationship would want in their life..
Right now I don't want romance, or a significant other because it is more trouble than it is worth to me I am exhausted.This ten years of shit has done damage to me inside...I don't think anyone could cope with me right now,I can't cope with myself.
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