Suggestions? +++

[elleng]

unrelated emergency; see last line. Brief summary not as brief as I intended. I yr, 5 mos ago, I left house where husband had hurt me badly, prior to which, nothing but awful, hostile words, so I 'escaped' to 3d floor guest bedroom, for few years. Married 24 years, daughters now 19(sophomore) and 23 (awaiting grad school.) Beautiful old house, now on market, DC. No divorce plans; separation OK.

I've received meds for depression, for several years; effexor works. I just eliminated wellbutrin (big, icky pills! feel NO bad effects from that.)

Elderly folks, 88 and 93, in Florida, independent living now in community, where may become 'assisted' living; just visited. Mom has dementia, Dad OK, but both having occasional difficulties with eachother; she can't hear, he can't read, drive, etc.

Sorry for details, but may be useful.

About a month before husband hurt me, chatted with pleasant gentleman in starbucks; rainy evening, asked if he could drive me home, said no, would take bus. Exchanged names, shook hands, and kissed me on cheek! I was ASTONISHED, and skipped up street (kind of!!!) to bus stop! Had wonderful feeling better than high school kid; totally unaware I could or would feel like that! Thought I had no desire/need for such!

So husband hurt me, he spent night in lock up (after begging me not to press charges), and I left house next day. Saw Starbucks friend, and he volunteered to provide help and transportation. He was staying at friend's large house nearby, and my cousin lives nearby, so I had some recourse. Friend helped find apartment, room in rooming house, reasonable rent, well suited for time being; we discussed, and agreed would be good idea to stay together.

He's retired engineer with soc sec and small income from computer repairs; I've retired, have govt retirement 'annuity', and had assets from several funds; mostly gone due to lengthy govt application process. Have not yet applied for soc sec, but can. and selling house.

So this damn thing is about $. Friend is 71, ocd as an engineer in related aspects; I'm 63 attorney, language and intentions important. We sometimes disagree due, imo, to cultural reasons; he was born in Pakistan, tho in U.S. for 50+ years, culture and education still play roles. I am a very sharing person, and tho he appreciates friendship (has maintained friendships from college years), dunno, bottom line is very important to him. He's facilitated paying our rent, daughter's college rent and cable, and my/girls phone bill for cells, by having his bank do them automatically. So I give him check each month. My income doesn't cover all, as I transfer $ to daughter for her cash (in college), gas, food, incidentals.

So today, he says he doesn't like ' ' daughter's expenses, would I ask husband to pay. I quickly told him 'Nevermind,' or some such, so that's why I'm writing here; my temper, when pressed into use, can say things I maybe shouldn't say.

Friend and I are about to move to his recently vacated townhouse near here, and its much much nicer, better than I expected, never having seen it until few days ago. I'm angry and frustrated now, and just took xanax. So he's seeing expenses needed for that place (tenants really messed it up). So he's stressed about that, not willing to rely on 'hope' of daughter's expenses lowering with reduced rent beginning June, plus my $ from sale of house, etc.

SO I may just blow up and tell him to go to wherever, and that he's no good in bed. SO as you can see, I'm pissed!

Welcome to my life! And sorry again for the not so short story! Leafve you all with this, just gtot word that dear neighbor just died of embgolism; family now in tizzy +++++ love, e

[qb]

1. My ex-wife is dating a guy near retirement and he is a total stickler about $

I think it has to do with fear of running out of money in retirement. It hurts when it seems like money is more important than love/friendship, but fear is a strong motivator. I would find a way to vent off my anger before talking to him, and consider seeing a financial consultant together.

I'm sorry about your neighbor :hug:

[elleng]

2. Thank you,

ftbc.

[fed-up]

3. red flags for me-you are not yet divorced, he may not know how to explain that

he really can't afford to help as much at this time with your daughter's expenses (if I am reading your post correctly)

He may feel threatened that he can't do the "manly thing" and help as much as he wants.

He may be feeling threatened that once you sell your house and don't need to rely on him financially you will take off.

Right now both of you are stressed-you with having to sell house-he having to fix up townhouse. So maybe taking time to cool off and then discussing again may help.

Right now I am borrowing from boyfriend to get me through until either I get SSI or I get out of this former meth house. It has totally damaged my ego as I have ALWAYS been able to support myself since I was 17. I also know that current boyfriend has many issues from ex-wife and ex-girlfriends regarding money.







No matter what finances and sex don't mix, so don't even bring that into any discussions.

[elleng]

4. Thanks, fed-up!

You are right about 'manly thing,' and he's been down about that for some time, that is, hasn't had kind of income his Pakistani family would expect, etc.

We are both stressed, and that fact has helped us, I think; can commiserate, off and on. I don't have ego issues about who's paying for what; was clearly 'breadwinner' for years of marriage, and never thought husb. minded, but I may have been wrong. Not divorcing because he carries family health insurance plan, and girls would prolly be more upset than they are already.

Thanks; won't say anything about sex!