Help/thoughts, please?

[elleng]

I wrote following 3 paragraphs a while ago, and stuff has followed re: my folks. I've shared at CHCDSG, and thought I'd bring it here for y'alls help.

'I left house where husband had hurt me badly, prior to which, nothing but awful, hostile words, so I 'escaped' to 3d floor guest bedroom, for few years. Married 24 years, daughters now 19(sophomore) and 23 (awaiting grad school.) Beautiful old house, now on market, DC. No divorce plans; separation OK.

I've received meds for depression, for several years; effexor works. I just eliminated wellbutrin (big, icky pills! feel NO bad effects from that.)

Elderly folks, 88 and 93, in Florida, independent living now in community, where may become 'assisted' living; just visited. Mom has dementia, Dad OK, but both having occasional difficulties with eachother; she can't hear, he can't read, drive, etc.'

More recent:

My Dad is 94 and Mom is 88. They're in Florida, I'm near DC, and brother in IA. They sold their house a few months ago and moved into a residence which offers social activities and services of various sorts, including physical therapy and companions. I think they've been slow to take advantage of various offerings.

We noticed changes in Moms behavior during the past year or so (after she broke hip and recovered.) Dad is becoming frustrated and saddened because they're having more trouble communicating; her hearing has deteriorated to nil, over many years and hearing aids, and his eyesight is bad. So he can't read, a great frustration, and she can hear only sporadically.

Now her memory is fluctuating, sometimes/days fine, sometimes not, which frustrates Dad a lot.

I visited with them for about a week+ early Feb., and my brother did so after I left. Dad has since complained that she's imobile, which she wasn't at the time; Doc doesn't find any visible reason for this.

Current:

Just learned that my Dad has to move my mother around, into chair I suspect, and that's one of the reasons he's asking for help. One of big questions is this: I can't understand why she's unable to walk, as when I was there early Feb. and she was able to walk, and physical therapist said she was in better shape than most of his patients/clients. Her doc said recently he could see no reasons for such.

So brother and I will be there soon to try to figure out/address issues. I'll leave DC area today, and meet brother Sat at airport.

Hope I haven't skipped any relevant facts, but am becoming more concerned than before; changed in mother's physical situation is a real puzzle to me.

Thanks for your thoughts.

[qb]

1. Just some random thoughts...

First of all, :hug: to you.

Assuming there is no physical reason for your mother's immobility could it be...
- frustration or depression, just sort of giving up?
- expressing a desire to be cared for?

I'm sure the dementia makes this even more difficult. I don't have a solution, but you have my best wishes.

[mdmc]

2. thats a lot of stuff goin on

hang in there and know that the du mhsg has your back.:hug:

[elleng]

3. ftbc, first THANKS,

AND, I think you've got it!

I'm on the road, that is, motel 3 miles north of fla border. I've heard stuff from brother and friends, and suspect that it is both of those things; my father, I think, is depressed. Personality-type changes in him reflected then in her mood and behavior.

SO brother Bill and I will get there tomorrow; we're both pros, and so is Dad, but we're LAWYERS, not psych pros! So here we go!

[Maraya1969]

4. I've heard similar things and that is supposedly why it is hard for

a senior to recover from a hip break. But give her time. She'll come out of it, just longer than we'd do it.

:hug:

[elleng]

5. Thanks, Maraya.

In Fla now, at 'beginning' of inquiry. I do think you're correct, that she'll come out of it, but I am concerned about my dad's attitude/depression. He actually seems to be denying effects of dementia, says she's looking for sympathy etc. This is SO UNLIKE BOTH OF THEM, I can't believe it's happening.

But I do have use of computer here, so saying 'thanks.'

E

[blondie58]

6. (((elleng))) I am so sorry, this must be tough

I do wonder if depression for them is also a factor. Your dad is probably having a hard time with the change in your mom- perhaps it reminds him of their advancing years. To have any physical thing change can be a big factor in itself. I know, I've just gone through rotator cuff surgery and it is a long road by to where I was before the injury. But I should recover, at my age. At your moms age, it is much more difficult and lengthy. Keep us posted and sending positive vibes down south.

[elleng]

7. Thanks, blondie58;

good to hear from you.

With more time I see improvements in mother and dad, attitude-wise, maybe because she's had physical therapy 3 times so shows improvement each time, she knows we're helping (brother here until Thurs.) She always says thanks, and dad may be absorbing some of the improvements. (I complain if I hear him being harsh, as I know she knows, even tho her hearing is SO irregular.)

But in addition to her slight mobility improvements I seem to see degradation in other areas, such as use of arms and hands, and yesterday and today she's fidgeted with her fingers, says there's something like 'tape' on them; I expect an injury or irritation to result.

I do expect depression is a factor; lots of changes.

SO, tomorrow is another day. THANKS!

[EFerrari]

8. So much going on, with you and your husband, with your parents.

Take it easy and take care of you. :hug: