sigh

[undergroundpanther]

why does my body keep on living when I don't want it to?
It hurts,Why must I breathe again?Why must my heart keep beating?Why doesn't my brain get a clot in it and kill this damn body?,Why can't all this fucking pain inside all just stop? Why can't I just cease to be? I never wanted this.I never asked for this.I don't want it anymore.This ache inside it never stops.My life is a lot of nothing anyway. never mind.

[qb]

1. Hang in there. You can look forward to the next day when you feel good.

:hug:

[Droopy]

2. No we can't "never mind" that

At least I can't. I've felt the way you are feeling before, ugp. I felt that way for 10 years and I'm not exactly sure why I just didn't give up. I guess I didn't really want to die deep down inside. I don't think anybody does. Some of us just don't see another way. They literally feel like they have run out of options and the only possible solution left is the suicide solution. I really wanted to be happy, I just couldn't be. I wanted to have friends and lovers. I wanted a college degree and a good job. I wanted my parents to be proud of me. I wanted peace of mind. I wanted to be comfortable. I didn't have any of that. I was a walking disaster and in a constant state of pain. My mind felt like it was on fire. Some people don't think that Hell exists, but I'm here to tell you it does and it's right here on Earth. It's right inside your head, and under the right circumstances, anyone can go to Hell. Even little kids and saints.

But things have gotten better. I take a cocktail of meds now that would make most DUers denounce me for single-handedly keeping big pharma in business, but I have a life now. I don't have a college degree, but I do have a good job. Maybe some time later in life I'll get to finish that degree just for the satisfaction of having done it. I have friends now and I might get to meet a potential lover this weekend. My parents know how far I've come and they are very proud of me. I still struggle with low self esteem sometimes, but it's child's play compared to psychosis, and I'm working it. I'm generally at peace with myself. I live independently.

I'm not saying you need to take the drugs that I do. I just wanted to show you what is possible. I've gone from wishing for death to celebrating life. I think it's possible for you, too, even though your story is probably a lot different than mine. Do not give up!

[mdmc]

3. thanks for this post

I think lots of us feel what ugp is talking about in his OP.... Thanks for the encouragement.
peace and low stress

[libodem]

4. I know this is a few days since you posted this

and I don't have any special words of wisdom or encouragement but I can say I have empathy and you are not the only one. There are more of us out here. God, I feel like a nut case and my suspicion is that the epidural steroid is wearing off and I'm hurting worse than ever and in more places. (I'm losing my signal from my online connection so I'm going to push post with out spell checking before I can't )