My therapist says that I punish myself.

[Droopy]

And she is right. My dad was emotionally abusive when I was little and I guess that's where I got it from. My therapist says that me being hard on myself is a learned behavior. How do I un-learn it? I guess that's what I pay her the big bucks for.

I wrote a long essay a few years back about my experiences with severe mental illness. I posted it here. Some of you may remember it. I read it today for the first time in a while and I can see the punishment theme in my descriptions of my symptoms. My therapist wanted to see some examples of my writing when I told her about my little Stories From the Road series that I write for the lounge. I'm going to give her the essay as well.

[redqueen]

1. I'm the same way.

It's a very hard habit to break. Feels impossible.

[mopinko]

2. we all do.

mentally ill, or just normal, flawed people. i sure do it.

[Droopy]

3. Not like this mopinko

It's one thing to be a little down on yourself when you have made a mistake. It's another to hate yourself for every single error you make. If you do that, it's not normal. I guess I wasn't clear about that in my OP. I'm in therapy because I have low self-esteem and this punishment theme runs through my whole life. It actually crosses the line into abuse. It's not what made me crazy. That is under control now. This is my good ol' normal self we're working on now.

[mopinko]

4. didn't mean to be dismissive

chose the wrong thing to say. what i should have said is- keep working. you deserve to know that you are a good person, with many talents. we all have things we beat ourselves up about, but i am glad that you can see that you are going too far with it. speaks of a sense of self that is improving, growing, now that you have been able to keep your illness at bay.

:hug:

[EFerrari]

5. I don't know how I feel about that description.

You know you, of course.

But when I catch me doing that, it's more like I make a mistake and then I put the punishment that I learned to expect in there as the next thing. It's a reflex, not an action I decide to take against myself. I had to learn to even recognize it at all. There was no thoughtfulness involved.

So, I can't really own to punishing myself because I never made that decision. It's more like sympathetic magic -- like reaching for the thing that hurts to avoid the thing that hurts more. A pre-emptive strike, so to speak.

And even describing it that way is much more conscious than the act is in itself at that moment.

Anyway, my therapy really took off when we started working with my poetry and drawings. I hope your work has the same effect, Droopy. :hug: