The Punisher

[Tobin S.]

There is a part of me that I call the Punisher. I don't know how he got there, but he's there, always lurking and waiting to pounce. He's been a part of me for as long as I can remember, and he is the last obstacle between me and complete mental health.

My last psychologist suggested that the Punisher is a learned response picked up when I was very young in response to my surroundings. Somebody taught me to punish myself, either directly or through my observations. We're talking mom and dad stuff here. But I've come to the conclusion that it doesn't matter much where the Punisher came from- I can't remember it anyway. And I get along just fine with mom and dad now days.

The Punisher does as his name implies. He makes me feel bad about myself. For every mistake and embarrassing moment there he is burning my psyche with a lit cigarette and mocking my expression of pain.

Things have gotten better. When I was not being treated for my illness the Punisher ruled me. It seemed like he would not be satisfied until I killed myself, despite it meaning the end of him, too. He damn near succeeded. Now days I'm in control most of the time instead of him. But he still has enough of a hold on me to cause me discomfort here and there.

But lately a different part of me has made an appearance. I call her the Forgiver. She tells me it's alright, that the past is gone now, and that I'm not the same person I used to be; that there's nothing I can do about it now but let it go. She tells me to let go of the pain. She has started to get there in response to my walks down memory lane before the Punisher does. It doesn't happen very often yet, but maybe she will become stronger the more I listen to her.

[elleng]

1. Glad you have a 'Forgiver,' Tobin; wish I did.

I think I've got a Punisher of sorts, as I regularly fail to do things that I think would please me and that might relieve some angst.

[mopinko]

2. got one, too

I think naming is probably a big step. puts it in a different part of the brain.

[Tobin S.]

3. Create a Forgiver, ellen

You probably didn't consciously create a Punisher and maybe someone put it there instead of you. It's something you don't want and it exists against your will. I started by telling myself, after beating myself up over some past mistake (it could be a decade or more old), that everything is okay now; there's no need to be so emotionally attached to the past that it causes distress.

Basically, you have to learn to be nice to yourself. When people describe me, they often use the word "nice." I'm a nice guy to everyone I run across. I have no enemies, except for me. I am literally my own worst enemy. I used to abuse my body with alcohol, tobacco, and rich food. I don't do any of that anymore. I think that's helped me a great deal.

Do something nice for yourself, ellen, and see how it makes you feel. That's the Forgiver.

[elleng]

4. Thanks, friend.

Will work on it.

[mopinko]

5. does she have a name?

does she have specifics, or is she loose?

[Tobin S.]

12. No, the Forgiver is just the compassionate side of me

She's been there all along, I guess, but only in relation to other people. I never thought of turning her eyes inward until not too long ago.

[redqueen]

6. Thanks for this thread.

I've been struggling with this issue all my life... and I'm only just now seeing what it is, and getting on top of it.

The psychologist I see has told me that more than just reacting to these episodes, I need to get in front of them somehow. Creating this 'forgiver' might be just the ticket.

Thanks so much for posting this. :hug:

[Tobin S.]

13. You're welcome.

I hope the idea proves helpful to you.

[uriel1972]

7. Been there, done that, got the T-shirt

and the embroidered underwear :) . Mine is still very active. I see it as an overdeveloped survival mechanism, something to warn you from doing stupid things again on hyperdrive. I have the battered angel with bloodied wings who shares my pain and I share hers. She is also real in a way, I have a coffee group which grew out of a CBT group and the love, respect and trust and the sharing of our pain has really brought me out of the abyss and helped me to let go of a great deal of pain. However that survival reflex, being primal still grips often with a visceral power.

[Forkboy]

8. I'm not to the Forgiver stage yet. In fact, I suspect I'm further from it than ever.

I knew I should have taken that left turn at Albuquerque. I just can't find it in me to forgive the killer mistakes I've made, especially with my ex-wife, who deserved far better than what I gave her. Earlier mistakes in life I can chalk up to youthful silliness, and those I can forgive myself for. Not the recent ones. I'm not even close to being at that point yet.

The Punisher is constant company. He should be splitting my rent, the freeloading bastard! :)

[uriel1972]

9. I don't forgive I accept... then hopefully let go

I have ptsd as well, mostly times when I screwed up, but the drugs have been helping. The past is fixed you can't change it, you have to find a way to see beyond the mistakes in your life. Admit you f'd up change/fix what you can and try to accept what you can't. It aint easy it's taken me near 15 years of therapy and medication to get to the point where I can begin to let go. You may have been a real shit, but if you can see that and try your best to change then you are a truly amazing human being. Don't beat yourself up over the past use it as a lesson in what not to do in the future.

That being said whilst a bucket of shit might be the fertalizer that brings forth a beautiful flower it remains a bucket of shit, unpleasant and smelly. I will not diminish the feelings of despair, resentment, pity and hate and the sheer struggle that is the process of growing the flower that is the new you.

I know it might all sound glib, but it's something we all have to work on, the believing that we are human beings worthy of respect and love and all the good things that happen in life.
Rambling I know but I hope it helps

[Forkboy]

10. It doesn't sound glib at all.

It's a good perspective to have, and I hope I can get there someday. I actually rarely dwell on the past, but there's a couple of things that haunt me big time, and those are the things that drag me back in time over and over again.

Thank you very much for your reply. It wasn't glib or rambling, but it IS appreciated. :hug:

[uriel1972]

11. Mindfulness has some techiques

for dealing with those thoughts that we hook into. My favourite is to treat those thoughts like cars that pass by your house in the night, let them pass, you don't have to think about them, they are the past, they are done, they are over. Another is to think of those events as carraiges on a train passing in front of you, you see them now, but they quickly pass out of view. I wish I could remember it in more detail and be more helpful, but it's a place to start. There's also progressive muscle relaxation and daily emotional self care; doing something you enjoy each and every day. Larger libraries should have books on this.

Also ban the word should as in I should have done this or they should have done that. Should doesn't buy you a bottle of dehydrated camel spit. Don't get into the negative self talk hole.

All easier said than done I know, but these are things that have helped me over the past year.

[laylah]

14. Thank you, Tobin...

good food for thought. I shall search for my Forgiver, which is probably closer than I think.

I enjoy your stories and revel in your wellness. Thanks for all you share :hug:

edited for spelling.