How does attraction happen?

[Wapsie B]

I’m absolutely clueless. I can receive affection from women all the time. I’m like their favorite cousin, holding doors open, being polite, courteous, listening to their troubles. But when it comes to going for it and wanting to know a woman romantically it’s a no go.
How do women become attracted to a guy? I can be funny and make people laugh, but not all the time. I can share their joy and sorrows, but never their love. What am I doing wrong? It's not just a factor of not meeting the right person. It seems that some people just have this built in ability to attract a lover.

[supernova]

1. Hard to say

It's more that you seem to instantly get along with a new person, as if you had known them before.

Now, what's really going on is two people who are meeting each others' initial expectations about what's attractive. It's that feeling that you just "click," or seem to be "one the same wavelength."

The fun thing is it can happen anywhere, even the laundramat. But you have to be receptive to it happening. That means striking up conversations with total strangers, which is something us loner types aren't known for.

Just say to yourself "I'm going to practice meeting someone." the next time you go out to do your business. Cute girl in the bank line ahead of you? Ask her about her MP3 player. That's really all it amounts to.

The worst that could happen is you spent a few minutes with a total stranger, then they weren't a stranger anymore.

[gmoney]

2. Read this book:

http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/tg/detail/-/0762415339/

http://images.amazon.com/images/P/0762415339.01._BO2,204,203,200_PIsitb-dp-500-arrow,TopRight,45,-64_AA240_SH20_SCLZZZZZZZ_.jpg

The good doctor REALLY will set you straight on why "nice guys" don't succeed. We do things like "giving to get" and other manipulations, even to the point of being so focused on being nice to others, we neglect to figure out who we really are. We let irrational fears rule us, we lose touch with other men, and therefore, ourselves. It's well written and easy to follow, but not always easy to read, as it can be tough to face the truth.

This is not a sleazy "how to pick up girls" type book, and a lot of it is written towards men in relationships, but it's all equally valid for single guys who hope to find a relationship, too. In fact, I'd say the younger you are when you read this, the better. I've been travelling down the wrong road for about 35 years now, and it's going to be a bear to rewind and start again. But I have to start believing I'm worth it, or I'm doomed. I wish I'd studied this about six months ago... I lost a promising relationship because I was so clueless about what I was doing, and really being dishonest with myself.

Your library should have a copy, and maybe even the audiobook version of it. There's also a website that will tell you more, including a "support forum" that's free to join. www.nomoremrniceguy.com

The book's premise is echoed in one line of "Fight Club" -- "We're a generation of men raised by women. I'm wondering if another woman is really the answer we need." Nothing against women, but it's ironic that so many of us have been raised by mothers and women teachers and society trying to please women -- yet in the end, what women really want is someone who knows how to please himself.

"Read it. Learn it. Live it."

On edit: I'd also advise PARENTS of boys to read this book, too, especially single moms.

[Trigger Hippie]

4. Ha!

My therapist suggested I read a book about how to be a "bitch" because guys don't like "nice girls." Why is society demanding we all act like assholes???!!!!!

Hi, G. :hug: Good to see you in this Group. :hi:

[gmoney]

5. Hey Pookie!

Thanks for the welcome!

I don't think guys dislike "nice girls" as much as "prissy girls" or high-maintenance women, at least in my case. And any guy who really wants a "bitch" is NOT a guy you want to hang around, trust me.

The book I mentioned isn't "how to be a prick/bastard" or anything. It's about being a man, and NOT to be a "nice guy" who seeks the approval of women first and foremost. Confidence, and comfort with being oneself, and being truthful in being able to meet ones own needs, instead of relying on someone else. It's also about some of the pitfalls "nice guys" set up for themselves, like fixating on "unavailable" women, and trying to "win" affection where it will never exist.

I need to realize that standing up for myself does not make me an "asshole" any more than it makes a woman a "bitch" when she holds her ground. It may SEEM that way to those of us who have been walked on all our lives in an effort to seem "nice" and "helpful" but it's really about not believing in oneself causing that person to "give to get" the affection and attention they want but don't feel they deserve just for being who they are. And when we decided to assert ourselves, it may also seem bitchy/assholish to the people that are USED to walking all over us, when really we're just trying to set healthy boundaries.

All this is NOT to say you can't help people and do nice things and be generous. It's when you covertly expect to be rewarded for doing these things (rather than acting out of caring or altruism) and then resenting when you are NOT that causes the problem.

Pookie, out of curiosity, what specifically was the book you were recommended? :) :hug:

[Trigger Hippie]

6. I don't remember the title. This was a couple years ago

when my therapist recommended it to me. I think it was kinda like the book you're describing, except for women, teaching us to be our own person and independent, not clingy or anything.

I agree with your post, but I just think it's sad that being a strong person gets you labeled a bitch or an asshole. But whatever. It's too insignificant to get upset about. The bitch book seemed to say things I thought were no brainers, but I guess I need to put into action more often. That's the hard part. :)

[gmoney]

7. Of course they're no brainers to you...

...you're so damn smart!

But you're right, there's a big difference between knowing something and BELIEVING something, especially concerning oneself. Guess that's what therapy is for.

By the way, your dancin' bunny is about the cutest thing ever...

[Trigger Hippie]

8. Thanks.

I don't feel so wicked smaht though. It's back to therapy for me. :)

[bemildred]

3. I remember is as like being hit up-side the head when you weren't ready.nt

[LWolf]

9. Does it happen the same for everyone?

I'm scraping memories here!

I've had relationships where there was no initial attraction, but the man was polite and intelligent enough for me to spend time getting to know him; and then I was attracted.

The biggest attraction of my life was one of those "I just knew" things; it started when I met him at the age of 7, and continues to this day, long after the friendship, then the love, then the marriage, all ended.

I don't find myself attracted very often any more. Once or twice a year, I'll meet someone. It's gotten so I don't even have to ask; if I'm attracted, he's: 1. married 2. gay. Most often, he's gay. He feels "safer," so I open the shields enough to get to know him.

What attracts me in a man includes:

intelligence
courtesy
self-sufficiency
self-esteem
sense of humor
empathy
INTEGRITY/HONESTY/TRUSTWORTHINESS
humility/unselfishness/openmindedness
sense of humor

I really have to spend significant time around someone to uncover these qualities; being a loner, I tend not to invest the time. :shrug:

[Wapsie B]

10. Not quite the same,

but I too don't find myself attracted very often. When I do find someone they're already in a stable relationship with someone else, rarely available. That's the frustrating part; not meeting enough people over the course of a year that I'm really attracted to and are open to a relationship. Then there's those who aren't over a past romance and who wish to go back. Instant turn-off for me.

I thought it might be different being on the internet, being able to talk to a wide variety of people I may never otherwise meet. But it's really not made much of a difference at all. Those like-minded souls just seem to gravitate towards each other and I'm still left on the outside looking in, relationship-wise.

I keep hearing of those who stay away from GD here because of all the vicious attacks that go on. Well it's gotten so that I can take the Lounge here only in small doses. Knowing of the affairs, the couplings, the mean-spirited fighting over lovers that goes on amongst some of the regulars there over has dampened my spirit. Somedays I get the feeling of complete lonliness over there and I don't need that. I'm on my quest to feel good about myself and being able to attract true love.

[Lydia Leftcoast]

11. From the description of the book in Post #2, it sounds like

what I've been saying about "nice guys" for a long time.

I'm not attracted to the guy who falls all over himself trying to impress me with his niceness. I'm attracted to the guy whose type of intelligence, values, and sense of humor mesh with mine, and who has a confident, non-chameleon personality.

[Lydia Leftcoast]

12. Ah, LWolf, I can certainly relate

I became strongly attracted to someone last year, only to find out that he was in a commuter marriage and determined to remain faithful. (Great for his wife, sad for me.)

It was tough, because it had literally been ten years since I had liked anyone THAT much.

The only approaches I get these days are from men who are married or living with someone and trying to cheat.

I went on a few personals-type dates this summer, but only one of the men wasn't completely weird, and even there, we ran out of things to talk about on the second date.

[supernova]

13. I feel this is what I should do

I've had relationships where there was no initial attraction, but the man was polite and intelligent enough for me to spend time getting to know him; and then I was attracted.

I feel this is what would be the best thing for me. My judgement is no good just randomly meeting people for a few dates and then by date 4 or 5 (or whatever) just deciding I was attracted.

I can't do it that fast.

I need more time to get to know a person. To that end, I've tried to put myself in various situations where I just know people socially first to see if anything develops. But still, it's awfully hard.