How do you compromise with a spouse over church?

[ginnyinWI]

I'd really like to join a church again. My husband and I both used to attend a fairly conservative one, but I've drifted. The kids are grown and gone and now we don't go anywhere regularly: he says he never really liked the old church, and I would want to go somewhere more liberal, like a UU, a UUC, or one of the more moderate denominations like Presbyterian. He takes a dim view; doesn't think they are "really" Christian. I think it's a matter of getting him to visit one, but it's hard to know where to start.

I won't go to a fundie Bible church, and he won't go to a liberal one. The funny thing is that culturally, he's not a fundie. He believes the Bible, but also accepts evolution, votes Democratic, and is tolerant toward things like abortion. He is more liberal than he realizes. Since he was first a Christian (age 18) he's gone to college and now works as an engineer. He's not dumb. He's just retained the old attitude we were taught when we were young, which said that only the Fundamentalist or Pentecostal Bible-believing churches were real, and the rest are just lukewarm or dead.

I now see that for what it was--propaganda designed to keep us going to their churches and believing that theirs was the one true way. Nonsense! There are many paths.

So should we agree to each pick a church and go alone? Should we alternate one Sunday here, one Sunday there? Is there any hope of me getting him to see that a more liberal church can also be a church with genuine faith where he could feel at home? He's at a point where he doesn't belong in a fundie church spiritually or culturally, but won't try anything else.

Advice? Have you had a similar experience?

[RevCheesehead]

1. Hi ginny.

First of all, it's great that you're feeling a desire to get involved again!
Secondly, I'm not married, so I always enter these questions with an "outsider" perspective. Take it for what it's worth.

Questio: Does your husband also want to find a church? If he does, then yeah, you guys should probably try to find something together. If he's just not keen on the idea, then you probably should go by yourself to find one that makes you comfortable.

Perhaps you guys could decide ahead of time to visit several congregations for a number of weeks. Don't try to make any decisions right away, but just go. Then talk about your experiences - what you liked, what you didn't care for, how the people treated you, what your impression of the pastor was, etc... Try to avoid words like liberal/conservative/fundamental, and just share your impressions. Eventually, you'll be led to the place where both of you can be comfortable.

Best wishes to you! :hi:

[JerseygirlCT]

2. Well, for me

it was always going to be something I'd be doing on my own. My husband is an agnostic Jew, who doesn't think much of religion, period. The deal though, was that I'd be raising the kids in my church. So far, we've all made it work.

Have you considered with him some of the more liturgical churches, like the Episcopal or Lutheran church? There's usually a variety of ideas when it comes to theology. Or what I mean to say is room for that. But the trappings, the service, all that, can be more conservative.

I do think it would be a good idea for you both to church-shop, though. Try them, find a place that feels right, and talk to the people there, and especially the clergy.

But if you do end up going it on your own, it's really not bad at all. I see a lot of moms in my church like me - married, but coming to church with the kids on their own. It's quite comfortable, in fact!

[Fire1]

3. There really is no compromise in my situation. I'm a lifelong

Episcopalian and my husband is Lutheran. I raised my son in the Episcopal Church, although his father (my ex) is Baptist. We each attend our own churches and visit one another's church as the occasion requires. It's never really been a problem.

[Critters2]

4. When I was married (our divorce was not related to feligious issues), we were rather similar.

We were each active in our own faith traditions. He was UU, me UCC--so not a huge chasm between us. His UU church had a pretty strong anti-Christian contingent, but he was actually a UU Christian. Still, because of the anti-Christian tone, which was troubling to him as well, we did decide that any kids would be raised UCC. This ended up not being an issue, since I was found to be unable to have kids.

We would worship together when possible, sometimes dashing out of one church to head to the other. We attended other events--potlucks, fundraising auctions, etc, together. Again, our faiths were close enough to one another that it wasn't a huge problem, but it does show that two people of differing faiths can live together and respect one another. But each really needs to commit to respecting the other.

[wryter2000]

5. This doesn't sound like something you can compromise on

I'm not sure I could feel comfortable in a fundamentalist church at all. I'm sure there are wonderful things about such churches and even more sure there are wonderful people in them, but I'm also pretty sure that they'd say things that would make me uncomfortable. Your husband might feel the same way about a liberal church.

I like the rev's suggestion that you try several churches and discuss them. I also like Jersey's suggestion that you try a traditional but liberal church. I have to admit my bias here :). I'm a member of an Episcopalian church and I'm totally in love with it. The liturgy is very traditional, but all kinds of people are welcome (including recovering agnostics, which I am :)).

After you tried several churches, you might have a better idea of how this is going to work out for you, but my guess is you'll end up at two different churches.

All the best.