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I'm going to go lie down, so I probably won't be back to read the thread until morning, but I just want to tell someone how miserable I feel.
I noticed one of my other threads is also close by: this is partly an extension of that. I'm sitting here being completely and totally exhausted and lost. There is a major pain running through my left leg, so bad on the occasions where it stabs that I would willingly let someone hack off my leg if I thought it would end that pain.
Even worse, I feel miserable about it because one of the cats keeps coming up onto the leg and I have to scream at her to stop because of it. And she's been bothering me a lot lately--I think she's become diabetic or something because she is constantly eating as though I were starving her, and I'm not. And she never gets a clue--she puts her ears back if I yell at her like I'm the bad guy--maybe I am; I just can't act rationally when I'm in agony.
Last night, the electricity went out in the back of the house--it wasn't the case of a burnt out fuse, and no, there are no breakers. My landlord and friend (on the first floor) didn't want to call the electrician last night, even though I was very cold, because it would cost him too much money--he tried once this morning to get a rec from someone and so no one got called today, either. He had an obligation in the afternoon, so I got shunted to the back of the line, so that really helped my mood as well. Thankfully, the front room is where the computer and TV are, so I have some help, but it's goddamned wrong not to have a light in the bathroom or in the kitchen. I compensated by running extension cords from the front room to at least have a light in the other rooms, but I am not feeling well as it is, without having some of the "comforts" taken away.
So right now I feel pretty miserable. I spent a lot of time on my feet today--it's very rare for me to have much energy, so I try to do what little bit I can when I do have a chance--and my ankles are at least double in their circumference as a result. And the throbbing in them doesn't help at all.
I'm sure I'm being short-tempered about everything in general, but I just can't help it. I know it will all wash away when I've gotten rid of the pain, but part of me is just totally giving up in many ways tonight. I hate most of my doctors, I have no one I can really talk with anymore (lost one best friend to a terminal illness 4 1/2 years ago, another to religion about a year ago, and my sister in law only talks with me when she wants to talk about herself) and I got rid of my therapist two months ago because he was making me go crazy (and yes, he was, really. I am glad to be rid of him). As my mother would say, sometimes it doesn't pay to get out of bed. I haven't felt this down in a very long time.
Anyhow, just wanted to tell someone--I'm probably gonna have a good cry when I get into the bed--at the very least, I can put my feet up and try to get rid of the pain and the swelling. I just wish I could drag the computer into the bedroom with me, but I can't. And I can't afford to buy a laptop--that sucks, too. My old one died a year ago, and I miss it terribly.
I guess I'm just feeling incredibly sorry for myself right now, and I know that's adding to the pain and the misery. I'm hoping by morning I'll feel a little better. Good night.
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