Lost my partner of 23 years one year ago next Sunday. He had

[schmuls]

suffered for a few years with terrible rheumatoid arthritis and heart disease and had had a few staph infections. They drained his joints and some of the incisions never completely healed. Last Feb. 11th, he was at home with incredible pain in his upper body. I nursed him at home, and finally when he couldn't make it to the bathroom without falling down, we knew it was time to go to the hospital. Naturally we waited for four hours to get a room, even though we called his doctor ahead of time, but that didn't do any good. We called another of his doctors while we were waiting and Jim practically had to beg this doctor to get him into a hospital room. This broke my heart. So, the ambulance picked him up at 1:30 p.m. and he didn't get into his final room until 8:30 p.m. I talked to him during the next day, but nothing extensive because there was always a nurse in his room. He said he had something to tell me, and I said I would call early Saturday a.m. But at 5:20 a.m., the answering machine went off, I knew immediately it was about Jim, and when I called back, they told me the nurse went into his room at 3 a.m., and gave him his morphine shot. She checked back at 5 a.m.,and he was unresponsive. They worked on him for a half hour and he was gone. His sister (a nurse) and her husband went to the hospital with me that afternoon, to ask why someone with heart disease was not hooked to a heart monitor. His doctor said that if someone doesn't present specifically with a heart concern, that it is policy to not hook them up. So we were all very angry, but his son spoke to many lawyers and they said that this particular hospital has 15 law firms working for them to wear people down - they will drag everything out for 10 years if they have to, bankrupting and driving crazy the person pressing the lawsuit. So we decided not to go ahead with it. My problem is getting over all of this, and dealing with my extreme anger and feeling so ripped off. Also, it is Valentine's Day and we would have been celebrating. Sorry for the very long post but I just had to vent and DU people are such good people. thanks, Julie

[zanne]

1. Oh, schmuls!

And here I was, going on about my cat. If somebody were to come up with just the right thing to say to someone in mourning, I think they'd get the Nobel Prize. It's been almost a year for you. Learning to live with that kind of pain isn't easy, is it? I'm not a sentimental person, but I really believe that the love you feel for somebody goes with them when they die, as if it were a tangible thing. In other words, I don't think love dies; ever. If I were there, I'd give you a big hug and tell you that you're going to be okay. You will be okay, y'know. I just wish you could feel better. I'll be keeping you in my thoughts.

[schmuls]

2. No, Zanne, don't feel bad about talking about your cat, because

Jim and I mourned our kitties together, and I don't care if the loved one is human or animal, the grief is the same. I have been feeling bad about Jim all week, and your post about your kitty brought back grief in general. I truly believe, though, that Jim is somewhere right now, with our kitties that have passed over. That brings me comfort more than anything and give me hope that someday I will join them. Thanks for your good thoughts too; it helps to have others that know what you are going through. ;^}

[RevCheesehead]

3. I am so very sorry for your loss.

And the circumstances must have made it even more painful for you. :hug:

I, too, am coming up on the 1-year anniversary of Mom's death, and feel the fear and trepidation creeping up on me. Please know that the people of this group are incredible, and will offer hugs, and ear, and whatever else you need.

Love survives. Love is stronger than death (I'm pretty sure that's in the Bible somewhere). And the love you shared is still very much alive. Honor that with your tears, and give thanks for having that amazing gift in your life for 23 years.

[pecwae]

4. ((Julie))

The anniversaries, birthdays and other significant days are rough; the first ones especially so. Your grief is compounded by the circumstances of Jim's passing and that makes it worse. I'm so very sorry.

After 8 years my grief still creeps up on me and takes me down some days. It's not as raw and I resent the adage that 'time heals all wounds' because it doesn't. Time does soften the edges, though.

Please don't torture yourself about not getting over it. I don't believe we ever do get over the loss of a beloved. The magnitude of feelings seem to rise and fall with the days, months and years that go by.

Know that we are here for you whenever you need us.:hug: :hug:

[havocmom]

5. We are here, schmuls. Anytime you need to vent, share or just lean

We are here.

The loss is bad enough. For it to have been compounded by questionable treatment (or lack there of) must really make the pain horrible.

Hoping the day comes soon when memory of his pain fades to the background and the good memories step back to the fore. Until then, we are here and we don't mind hearing whatever you need to tell us.

Peace and Strength to you. Know love survives the breaking of the vessel. Know the soul waits for the time of reunion.

Keeping you in my thoughts-
hm

[CC]

6. No advice here just

lots of hugs.:hug::hug::hug::hug::hug::hug::hug::hug: Just reading what you wrote here is so heartbreaking and I know it is only the tip of it. Hang in there, your partner would want you to heal. Ok maybe a small bit of advice. Sunday do something to commemorate your partners life. Get a picture out, light a candle, watch his favorite movie or anything that would of been special to him and that would commemorate his life and what was good. It may make you cry, but you most likely would anyway. Sometimes the memories that hurt so much are also the same ones that will allow you to heal. :hug::hug::hug::hug:

[schmuls]

7. I want to thank everyone who gave me their thoughts and good

about my grief about my partner. I will be ready to leave for home shortly (I am typing this from work). When I come back here Monday, his day of death - Sunday - will be over, and I will start on my second year without him. It is all so surreal, you know, I still think I am in a state of shock over what happened. It just does not seem real. I miss his support, and how of all the people in this world, he really knew the real me. I know I wasn't easy to live with. I feel guilty about that. The one thing that gives me comfort is that he was in such wretched pain at the end and now he is no longer suffering.

[we can do it]

8. Schmuls, So Very Sorry To Hear About Your Loss

It always seems that some days are harder than others, especially holidays when you have lost someone so close. May your good memories give you peace.

:grouphug:

[havocmom]

9. Hope the day is kind to you today, schmuls

Sending strength

hm

[auntAgonist]

10. schmuls, I will keep you in my thoughts this day ..

May you be filled with beautiful memories of your loving partner Jim.

many :hug:'s for you.

"Those we love don't go away, They walk beside us every day, Unseen, unheard but always near, Still loved, still missed and very dear."

kesha.

[schmuls]

11. Thanks again to everyone. I went out to lunch with Jim's sister

and his stepmother. We toasted to Jim and shared the fact that a year has passed by so quickly. I told Jim's sister that when the hospital sent me a newsletter about anniversaries and grieving, I just cursed and threw it away. I am in a weird state of mind - half wondering when the hurt will lessen and half being afraid that my memories of Jim will fade too much. Of course, I have a lot of photos of him and a lot of special memories, and I know that it was because of me that we traveled so much together and shared so much. I guess I just really feel sad and hurt. Your messages to me have showed me that people do care. I am glad I fou d DU.

[CC]

12. It is good that you went out

with Jim's sister and step mom and still are part of their lives and they a part of yours. It helps to be able to share our grief with others that loved that special person that is gone.:hug:

As far as healing, you will not forget Jim as you heal. Impossible when you loved someone so much. Healing is more a coming to terms with the loss and learning to accept the missing as part of your everyday life. As you heal many of your memories become clearer and less painful. It will be 7 years in May since my son was killed and I can still close my eyes and see him, even hear him in my head. I will say it is easier to bring him to mind if I think about him doing something instead of just trying to picture him like in a photo. A book that helped me a lot was one called No Time for Goodbyes : Coping With Sorrow, Anger, and Injustice After a Tragic Death by Janice Harris Lord. It is worth looking at no matter the manner of death. The first line I remember that caught my attention was (paraphrase, gave my copy away)"No you aren't going crazy, it just feels like it."
:hug::hug::hug::hug::hug: