I am So Fucking Angry

[Katherine Brengle]

I am watching If These Walls Could Talk (I've seen it before, but I just bought a copy and am watching it for the first time in a few years), and I am having a very strong reaction to it, unlike I have in the past.

When I first saw it, I responded emotionally, but the conclusion that I came to in the end was that we (women) absolutely deserve the RIGHT to an abortion.

Tonight, I started crying so hard (on the third story, the one I can most relate to, mostly because of her age) that it hurt. I was lying on my living room floor sobbing so hard I thought I was going to vomit...

Add to this the reading I have been doing lately, and I am having a really hard time figuring out how I feel.

In my tear-stained haze, this is the best I can do to describe how I am thinking right now... I am so angry.

I am so fucking angry that any woman in the history of the world has had to choose to have an abortion.

I am so fucking angry that I have been told my entire life that I am not good enough, that my body is nothing but a source of shame and filth, something that must be hidden and deodorized and kept discreet and "fresh"...

I am so fucking angry that when I was pregnant with my daughter, I hid it every day for 8 months because I didn't want to hear the inevitable bullshit that I would have from other people as a 22-year old unwed mother-to-be.

I am so fucking angry that I felt the need to even consider having an abortion when I found out that I was pregnant because I didn't think that the society I live in would accept me if I had a baby while I was still in college.

I am so fucking angry that I felt the need to run from my car to Hollywood Video last night because I have to live in fear every single day and night that I will be raped simply because I am a woman.

I am so fucking angry that we women allow this to continue.

I am not angry that men let it continue. I am angry that they do not fully understand, but it is not for them to give me power. My power comes from me. My power comes from the generations upon generations upon generations of women who have come before me, and from the generations to come after I am gone.

Our power should come from a feeling of community. Women standing together shoulder to shoulder, reclaiming the respect and dignity that we deserve.

We vowed to "take back the night" but we never took a good long look at the big picture. We need to take back our lives. We need to take back what it means to be a woman, and stop letting society and government and corporations tell us what it means to be a woman, how to be a woman, how to do it right...

I am so fucking angry, so angry...

What I don't understand is, why doesn't everyone care? Sometimes it feels like... why doesn't anyone care?

[NMMNG]

1. I saw that movie years ago

On HBO or Showtime (or whichever network it was on). It was so moving I am vastly disappointed I've never had the chance to see it again. The one image that stays with me to this day is Demi Moore's character crumpled on the floor in agony after her "back alley" abortion. Something countless women face in the not so distant future if the religious right has its way.

I'm angry also. I'm angry that women may no longer be able to have safe, legal abortions if they need them.

I'm angry that women are getting sh*t over effective birth control while men get Viagra and similar drugs handed out to them like candy.

I'm angry that I have to be on pins and needles as I do my rounds for my weekday job in the middle of the night. I walk a half-mile circuit in a not-so-safe neighborhood and have had my share of scares. Once I heard quick footsteps and panting coming up behind me, which thankfully turned out to be a guy running with his dog (the dog was doing the panting). Twice I've had vehicles driven by men suddenly approach me. The first turned out to be a kindly man asking if I was ok, and I assured him that I was. The second time the vehicle passed by, suddenly slowed and turned around. I knew for sure he was up to no good so I began walking as fast as I could toward my base house, keeping my pepper spray firmly in hand. Sure enough he stopped near me and asked if I needed a ride. I told him "No" and kept walking. He asked if I was sure in that suggestive sort of tone and I told him, "I'm sure" and turned down the side street. He stayed there a few moments then finally left. While I'd wanted my voice to sound firm and no-nonsense it had come out scared and borderline polite. Why do we stay polite (like we were trained) even when our lives are threatened? So stupid!

[Samurai_Writer]

2. I have that on DVD

As well as the second one about lesbianism. I watched the first one again after the South Dakota law was passed, reminding myself what we are going back to, with that first episode with Demi Moore. It makes me angry that people, especially young women (and some older ones) either don't understand or don't care that women are going to die and be mutilated because of some older, white men having to make sure they have control over women's sexuality.

I can't even watch the ending of Demi Moore's piece. It turns my stomach. And the third one, with Cher and Anne Heche, reminds me so much of when I was a clinic defense volunteer in the 90s. And nothing has changed since then, I'm sad to say. Those freaks are still out there, harrassing women every day. And killing doctors.

[bliss_eternal]

4. Like you, I can't watch the end of the Demi Moore sequence

:mad::cry::puke: I was beyond words the first time I saw it...all I could do was cry.

I visited clinics regularly in the late 80's and early 90's. It never seems to occur to those freaks that someone may be there for something other than an abortion. I got so sick of their propaganda posters of angry or weeping fetuses fighting to stay in the womb :eyes:

The fact that they are allowed to terrorize women, many of which are there to get healthy woman check-ups (due to lack of insurance), really pisses me off!

The second one breaks my heart--the sequence with Vanessa Redgrave... :cry: I cried buckets when I saw it.

[ismnotwasm]

3. Hell yeah I'm pissed

I got angry right in the middle of a conversation with a couple of women friends, when we were discussing alternative methods of abortions. One of the women-- who is older than us-- used a known "herbal" (It wasn't really a herb) abortificant that worked well for her back in the day. I told them about the websites popping on do-it-yourself abortions. We talked about South Dakota and all that.

I couldn't believe we were even discussing this shit. My mind reeled, I had a What The fuck moment. I lost my train of thought. I was instantly furious.

On a different topic, I learned something the other day that also pissed me off. I don't know why I didn't know about this, but I didn't. Young type 1 diabetic women can get a special type of eating disorder. They let their blood sugars get out of control to lose weight. They risk losing thier eyesight, kidneys, body parts, brain function and lives to fit in a pair of fucking pants.

And "they" meaning "The patriarchy" since "they" is too vague of a term and doesn't identify anything-- try to tell us we over-react, that we're anti-male, that we're antifemale, that we're anti-first amendment.

You know what? "They" can kiss my ass. After they go volunteer at a crisis clinic, after "they" sit in a few court sessions and see how rape victims are treated,After "they" hold the hand of a dying 20 year old who wanted to be thin.
After they watch a 12 year old boy, abused since birth, born addicted,the 7th of 9 children overdose on heroin. In fact "they" can volunteer in hospitals holding addicted babies as I have, listening to them scream and scream and scream, until they get their dose of morphine. "They" can talk to older women unable to have children because thier husbands brought them home VD at a time when if was shameful to be treated. "They" can talk to a young prostitute who will never have children because of repeated PID. "They" will say it was her choice, the choice that "they" want to give us, the choice to protitute ourselves, exploit ourselves, the "choice" to fit into the mold of feminity that is so limiting it defies description. They even give us the "choice" where I work of having security escort us to our cars at night so we can be "safe". Nice option, wish it wasn't so nessisary.