What was your mother and grandmother like?

[cally]

I know that I am who I am because of my mother and other female relatives. I have teenage daughters and I've long since gotten past knowing that I parent, in part, like my mother. I'm 48 now, and I realize that I'm proud of my Mom. As a teenager, I would have told you she was crazy and she is like most of us. I got mixed messages from my parents. I was supposed to be smart, successful, demure, and also put myself aside for my children. Putting my career first was not OK and yet my Mom worked. Yet, my parents never taught me that I wasn't as smart as anyone else.

I often wonder how I became a feminist. I lived in a male dominated family and my Mom was not a feminist. Yet it seeped in early. She graduated with a Chemistry degree when only two women were in the major. All my older female relatives had been divorced many times when divorce was not common. I was taught to support myself and that I should not rely on a husband to support me. I was also taught to not seem too smart because the boys wouldn't like me. :rofl:

I guess I ask this as a mother. I'm often amazed at what influence I have. I know the common drivel in the media is that teens don't listen, but they do. They don't necessarily listen to the words but they listen to the actions.

[geniph]

1. I never knew my grandmothers

they were both dead before I was born (I'm the youngest of 13, so that's not terribly surprising). My mother...my mother is a mess of contradictions. She married my father when she was 16 and started having kids like a bunny, but had to work the whole time too (this whole dichotomy between "working moms" and "stay-at-home moms" is a fiction - only the middle and upper class ever had the luxury of deciding whether or not to work), so she wasn't very present. My oldest sister got stuck raising us.

When I was six weeks old, my parents split and my mother moved in with a woman. For the next 11 years, she lived as a lesbian, and I was brought up by them. I learned, from that example, that women could be bank managers, play baseball, fix cars, dig ditches, and live full lives without men.

When I was 11, my mother tired of living in fear and in the closet, and married the first man she dated - a drunken, child-molesting, abusive asshole. For the next several years, my mother catered to him to prevent setting him off, so my professional, intelligent, bank-officer mother became a doormat to a man with not a tenth of her intelligence, a man who hadn't even attended high school, a man who couldn't keep a job or balance a checkbook to save his life.

My mother is a confusing person. She doesn't know herself what she wants out of life, except that she loves her dogs and wants to be left in peace with them. She's still married to my stepfather, who's at least a bit less abusive to her, although he's still a domineering, ignorant asshole.

[we can do it]

2. My Mom Was Awesome - I Am Crying My Eyes Out Cause I Miss Her So Bad

So was Grandma = more in a minute - sorry..............

[Control-Z]

4. I'm sorry to see you so sad.

My mom has been gone forty two years and I still miss her Every Single Day. From what I remember and the things I've been told she too was awesome.

I hope you will tell us more about your mom - when you feel up to it.:hug:

[we can do it]

5. Ok Better Now - I Just Got A Wave of Really Missing My Mom While Reading

your post. My mom was really cool....she was in the generation when mom's mostly stayed at home with the kids( she worked till 2 weeks before I was born - I'm the oldest, cause she liked working). She read with us when we were small, walked to the library to pick out books, took us all over on the buses, got us into music (even though she wasn't so inclined), girl scouts so we learned about nature etc..., she totally supported me in high school sports (girls sports in the 70's- came to about every game), she taught me something important early on - educate yourself so you NEVER have to depend on a man to support you (important note- she was happily married to my dad)- I still find this totally amazing when I think of it.....she was also a very sweet and kind lady with many friends - some even younger than me...she put family first and we knew it. I am trying hard to fill a small part of the vacuum she left when she departed 22 months ago.

Grandma (her mom) was strong, smart and funny, she was a teacher when she was young. She was totally in love with my grandpa til the day she died - I was the first and favorite grandchild not far behind. She taught me how to cook and bake, to love going out for long walks and just sitting outside talking and listening to baseball games on the radio. In kindergarten we were asked what we were going to be when we grew up. I proudly said "an astronaut" my teacher told me I had to choose between being a nurse, teacher or mom since I was a girl. I fumed all afternoon. I called grandma when I got home and told her what happened. She said, "You tell that teacher I said you can be WHATEVER you want when you grow up." So the next day I marched right in and told her, she laughed and said, yes your grandma is right. .....

There is so much more, I hope to never lose any of my great memories of the wonderful, strong women.

[melnjones]

3. I know someone really well...

who was sexually abused by her mother, who doesn't want to tell people about it too directly online for fear that others will say she is spreading her family's dirty laundry.

On edit..."others" meaning people who don't normally come to DU.

[ismnotwasm]

6. Hmm

It's always interesting to look at stuff like that,(as long as it's not too painful, as it is for some) I can talk about my parents, because my family dynamics are convoluted and A Long Story.

My mother was often withdrawn and somewhat shy, but with a sly sense of humor. She was quite bright, and physically very beautiful. However, she fell under the shadows of her father and husband, and I looked at her as a beautiful flowing plant that was never given the care she needed. You'll notice I speak of her in the past tense. She's not dead. She has developed some sort of mental difficulty that will probably be eventually diagnosed as dementia.

I don't think so. If there was ever an example of a woman not able to grow and fulfill her promise, it's my mom. A life lived under shadow, in roles I don't believe she relished (Mother, housewife-- when she worked it was at an insurance company--Not what I think fulfilled this once artistic, vibrant and passionate woman)but roles she felt were her duty, her rightful role, or perhaps given the struggles of her childhood, her way out. Now she is a shadow of promise, a lost future. A life filled with what I expect is self recrimination and regrets. I'll never know.

Why? In a word, Patriarchy. I'm not saying that to be facetious. My father was the stereotypical man of the 50's, hard working, hard drinking, a sexist, a racist, homophobic--he too was fulfilling roles I think he thought were required to a "real" man. He was verbally abusive, unable to express emotion unless drunk and managed to turn every argument to feed his own damaged ego. He too is very bright and completely uneducated. He stole my mothers voice, and she didn't know how to get it back. Now she acts out in passive-aggressive, irrational kinds of ways that make no sense. I could say he drove her crazy finally.

The saddest thing is my father was able to change, to alter somewhat, to grow up as he grew older. My mom was not. She had no outlet, and ultimately no strength. Her children all suffer, or have suffered, from one thing or the other. She blames my father. Her own damage runs very, very deep. In a way, it's the ultimate revenge from her because my father grieves for his wife, the one who no longer exists. They once loved each other, as much as such people are capable of loving, very much.

So perhaps the drama of these two people each trying to personify the masculine and the feminine gave me my outlook. I knew I would never allow a male "to tell me what to do" (except perhaps my dad, who still tries and sometimes I let him) Once I grew out of destructive rebellion, I found the benefits of constructive rebellion directed not against a specific authority figure but a system that so hurt my parents as well as so many others, so much they will never recover.
Feminism was a natural path for me.
It's one of the most beautiful and profound things in my life to say "I am a feminist" because I know it's so much more than rebellion, it's a fight for the entire human race, and I believe with all my heart it's one of the most important movements or ideologies that will guide us to social evolution, even if it ends up being revolution.

[mrreowwr_kittty]

7. ' don't necessarily listen to the words but they listen to the actions'

They sure do! Well before the media and peers capture her attention, a girl gets her cues from Mom and other primary female caregivers. My mother was an unfortunate figure. She was abused by my dad and her second husband. She abandoned us, or was pushed out by our father (I was never sure), when I was about 4. It left a nearly indelible message on me: Men have all the power and you better appease them or be cut out of the picture. Not surprisingly, I grew up to be an overt people-pleaser, yet emotionally unavailable.

I am very glad that I discovered feminism at a relatively early age. My reading led me to understand that I could choose a different path from the prescribed one set out for women, even if only in my mind. And I'm damn glad for that because I shudder to think where I'd be, and how I'd think, today if that hadn't happened. My life hasn't been perfect by any means, and sometimes I've made frankly idiotic decisions based on fear and instinct. But in the end, I have survived beautifully (though a little scarred) and I have feminism to thank for it. I'm still struggling and learning but I know I'll be OK because I am guided by the principle that women are people. My mother died nearly 10 years ago and I have no hard feelings toward her. She was a smart, gifted, and sensitive woman and the world of her generation diminished her. I just wish that someone or something had intervened before it was too late for her.

I truly believe that it is my duty to fight for the rights and dignity of all women in honor of my mom.