Book rec: "The Mommy Myth."

[BlueIris]

Subtitle: "The idealization of motherhood and how it has undermined women" (Susan J. Douglas and Meredith W. Michaels).

Some of the feminists who are also parents on this site will really love this one, if they are not already familiar with it. I think it's an excellent, unflinching examination of the way in which Patriarchy has aimed to further humiliate, degrade and oppress women through a twisted version of what their role as female care givers "should be." I think it's out in paperback now.

[Warpy]

1. I recall reading interviews with mothers in "Ms" some years ago

and the gist was basically the same: they all loved their children but they despised the whole "Mommy" social paradigm. They resented different things within it, but that was the bottom line, all those cultural assumptions about mothers and motherhood were simply not true and they were universally resented.

[Lydia Leftcoast]

2. I think I read about this research in Scientific American or Discover

a few months ago.

The researchers were pointing out that whenever women have had the chance, they have chosen to have fewer children than nature would allow or no children, so much so that the most advanced industrialized countries are worried about births falling below replacement level.

Even those who want to have children want one or two rather than six or seven.

In response to Warpy's comment, I recall when either Ann Landers or Dear Abby polled readers about whether they regretted having children and was shocked to find out how many people said they did.

[lizerdbits]

4. A lot of my friends and co workers said they regretted having kids

Most say no matter how much the husband says he's going to help it all changes when the kids arrive and they have to sacrifice their careers for appointments, sickness, etc. And all the traditional work in the home still falls on them in addition to their full time non parenting job. A lot of resentment seems to develop since their husbands careers are unaffected and society finds it acceptable to dump it all on the mothers. If the roles were reversed the woman would be considered an uncaring mother or bad wife for making her husband do all that.
As for the 6-7 kids, I think that was more common many decades ago when infectious disease routinely killed several children per family. If you want to have 4 in adulthood you'd better give birth to at least 6 or so. Of course it does still happen even outside the 'birth control is sin' crowd.

[MountainLaurel]

5. That's why I told myself

That in all truthfulness, I could have a husband or a child, but not both. The inequality of the situation would drive me crazy.

[femrap]

12. Farms.....everyone lived on farms and needed

LOTS of help...so that meant the wife having lots of babies. My grandmother married a farmer and 'I gave him five.' She said it was awful.

[BlueIris]

3. Kick. nt

[SemperEadem]

6. the more education one has, the fewer children they have

it's no secret that children are a time-involved process from pregnancy to adulthood. Any woman having a baby with a guy who is uber-gung ho about having children had better square in her mind early on that even though her husband is all for it in priciple/theory, when reality/practicum rolls out, she's the one who will be expected to find her place and take it in the 'traditional' role as care-giver/nurturer/chauffeur/etc.---not him. She will be expected to sacrifice her career/dreams in exchange for being deemed "a good mother", not her husband. If he does, society says "well, isn't that nice--what about the mother?". It unfairly gets dumped on her.

It's a societal expectation that has not loosened its grip and appears to be biting down harder with this new generation of women who don't understand (and act like they want to give back) that which they've taken for granted which was put in place by women in previous generations who fought hard for the changes.

Media elevates a pregnant woman to saint status, which she then looses once she's given birth and the child breathes air and not amniotic fluid. The failures of the child are put upon the mother. The success of the child are attributed to whether or not she has a husband/father in the home, not the other way around. God forbid that that mother is single (either by circumstance or by choice), as she is anathema to society's expectations and tender sensibilities.

[ismnotwasm]

7. The romanticizing of motherhood

From an analysis of George Eliot's Mrs. Transome;
"Made a saboteur by her sexual history, she can impede the political ambitions of her former lover and her son. That she should possess only one negative form of power reveals Eliot's criticism of the restricted possibilities permitted women when they are regarded primarily as body, rather than as body and mind. If men tend to read women primarily as sexual and emotional creatures, then that is how women's power will be expressed - through their sexuality and through their emotions. And in the case of Mrs. Transome, this culturally inscribed power is turned against those two men who circumscribe her behavior. Her female world of destructive sexuality and nagging disappointment demolishes a male world of political action - and implicitly interrogates the usefulness of politics itself" Deirdre David

In the case of Victorian Romanticism, Woman was "the keeper of morals", when patriarchy was confronted head on with women who could think, who could reason, far beyond the average "man of letters" who were published and even made a living. Women should be educated, some said(and we,of course are talking about middle to upper class white women) not to escape the home, hearth and childbirth, but in order to be able to uplift their husbands, in support and conversation. Other views flat out said that an educated woman put her reproductive organs at great risk, as well as made them unattractive.

Through it all runs the whole archetype of the sacred mother, the nurturing one, the emotional one (and being emotional, less stable, less fit for other work)
Not motherhood as it is, but like the book says some sort of idealized version of it, that never really existed, only to serve to make women feel insecure about the one thing they COULD do,were allowed to do, were expected to do.

And God help those who are/were "barren" There is still great agony of soul in women unable to conceive, rooted not only in the desire to have children of course, but the feeling of being incomplete, less than a "woman"


And I, who have casually said in the past that I wouldn't have had children again given the choice to do it over, because I'm not mother material, I had them far too young etc. (even though my children are adult and a joy to me) I no longer say this, in respect of the agony women still suffer who can't conceive.

[lizerdbits]

8. Reminds me of a book about the first women doctors in the western US

I got when I was in Montana. "The doctor who wore petticoats" I think it was called. There was a quote in it from a threatened insecure man about how educating women caused 'enlarged brains, tiny bodies, and constipation' or something of the sort.

I guess since I'm not interested in kids I will never understand the agony of infertility. I have an aunt who's about 50 who wasn't able to conceive and she says she will never get over the fact that she couldn't have kids but she seems to have that idealized version of motherhood in her head. She actually said to me "If you don't have kids now you'll be miserable when you're 50." I doubt it but I can assure you I'd be pretty unhappy for at least the next 18.

[ismnotwasm]

9. You won't be miserable

That's part of the myth. (Trust someone who's been through four teenagers--and it doesn't stop at 18)That's also why the word choice has such a beautiful ring.

Imagine a world where every women freely choose without shame or regret. Damn.

I think the pain whole infertility thing could as least be shared amounst women, if that choice was there, and the pressure of expectations weren't

[lizerdbits]

10. I certainly plan on enjoying my life

and I'm sorry she was unable to have what she wanted. Luckily I don't have those "where are my grandchildren" parents. They like being grandparents to my nephew and my sister is due any day now with #2. But because they went through 2 of their own that they had deliberately they know what a nightmare it would be for me to have kids I didn't want.
Many other people think something is wrong with me for not wanting them but their opinion doesn't affect my happiness. I'd like to run into people who told me 10 years ago I'd change my mind and ask when I'll become unhappy for lack of children. Oh, that's right, when I'm 50. :eyes:

[ismnotwasm]

11. One of my all time favorite professors

A physical chemist, and I had a conversation one time. She was well over 50-maybe 60, at this time, had been in a "men's profession" most of her life, and was childless by choice. She had a enviable, fascinating life, full of love and adventure and a profession she loved. I met her at a community college, where she got me-- and others like me to see the magic of chemistry. I still love chemistry, which is weird, really, if you knew me. I remember on conversation we had about the special insight those without children have on life. It's not the outside looking in, but a way of seeing all sides. One of the things you run into when you choose not to have kids is attitude that you've missed something, or are somehow less intuitive, less empathetic. It's bullshit.

I had a boss one time, a Director of nursing, in a long term care facility also childless by choice, tough as nails in a profession where you have to be. I can't count the times I heard people say she would "be nicer" or "more understanding" if she had kids. Now if a childless male had been in the same position, nobody would have brought it up.

[WildClarySage]

14. My two cents worth...

as a mom of two who has issues with infertility (and is trying for one last child.) Women have, for thousands of years, been valued for two things: chastity and motherhood. Since you can't have have both, most women have (historically) been taught that their value lies solely in providing children. When this happens, women see their only opportunities to 'succeed' in terms of their children. Now, since it's impossible to be a perfect mother with perfect children, we're set up from the get-go to pursue that perfection without ever achieving anything close to it. Today we see this in teen mothers, particularly inner-city mothers, who get pregnant either deliberately or negligently, because they see no opportunities in their social strata for success. They believe their only opportunity to be viewed as successful, and to feel successful, is through motherhood.

Some women, like myself, have examined the issue carefully and decided that whether it is biology or sociology, raising children to be productive adults (or, some days, just working toward keeping them from growing up to be serial killers) is an important goal in and of itself. Not all women who want children are "breeders" or are brainwashed into believing they have no value outside of motherhood. I realize this may sound snippy, and for that I apologise. As a feminist, I believe strongly in the importance of every person achieving their highest potential, regardless of their gender, and for some of us, the way we pursue our potential includes balancing (heh, or at least an attempt at balancing) family and personal needs. I think it's unfortunate that so many women enter motherhood without closly examining what parenthood entails, but for those of us who did... and do, everyday... parenthood can be an enormously satisfying challenge.

Of course, I have a 15 month old who is teething, and I haven't slept in two days, so I could be wrong...

[femrap]

13. Whenever I speak with young women,

I encourage that they ask themselves the serious question: Is it my 'calling' to be a mother....the most important responsibility there is on this planet. There are so many unwanted children as it is. And don't forget the Population Explosion that is going to kick us in the ass...