Can a man be a good therapist for a woman?

[varkam]

Hi - this is my very first post in this group. I'm wanting to get some opinions on an issue I'm having right now. I thought that, given the issue, this might be the best place to post.

Right now I'm in my first year at a graduate program for clinical psychology. I've been working hard, and am about to start seeing clients at the psychology clinic on campus in a couple of months (which I feel entirely unprepared for, by the way). For next semester, I was wanting to do a graduate assistantship as the clinic's coordinator - I would do intake interviews, attend staffing meetings, help assign caseloads, and generally help out with running the clinic. Personally, I am very excited about the idea as I think it would be a great experience.

One of the more experienced students heard I was interested and talked to me about it. She said that many of the women who seek treatment at the clinic have a history of sexual abuse and would not open up to a male therapist. As a result, she said that I probably would not get the position because I am male. I was kind of upset because the contact that I would have with those women would be limited to an intake interview, and if they noted that they wanted a female therapist then they could certainly see one. I certainly understand how a woman might be reluctant to be in therapy with a man if she were seeking treatment for emotional problems following rape or sexual abuse. When I volunteered with a rape crisis center, I thought that I would be answering phones and whatnot. Since I am a man, however, the position was that of a medical advocate. If someone presented to an ER because they were raped, and if they requested that someone be sent, and if they requested that person be a male, then I would get a call. But I digress.

What I'm wondering now is if I can even be a good therapist to a woman. Given the statistics with sexual abuse and rape and the fact that more women seek treatment for mental problems than men, it's not exactly speculative to say that I'm going to come into contact with people like that. Further, if you're a woman, then odds are pretty good you've been hurt by a man at some point and time in your life. So what I've been wondering is if women will, on average, not be able to open up or trust me because I am a man.

Any thoughts?

[Samurai_Writer]

1. Personally, I would not go to a male therapist

I want someone who can empathize with me. Men simply cannot do that, in my opinion. I was raped last year, and I went to a female counsellor afterwards. No way could I have opened up to a male counsellor at that time.

[noamnety]

2. There are exceptions to everything

but if you are talking about on average, it's probably healthier for women to talk to women therapists. There is all the baggage we get from being taught how we are supposed to interact with men, and I don't think we can fully get to the heart of that when we combine it with a layer of, well, interacting with men. If we are learning to step out of the role of being the "vulnerable woman" that society has groomed us for, the woman that looks to a man for support and guidance and all, maybe therapy isn't the best place to play out yet another scene where a man is given the role of the older wiser trusted person who is in control.

That's not quite what you're asking, but it's offered up anyway, for whatever it's worth.

[geniph]

3. No generalization will apply to all individuals

Yes, there are women for whom it will be easier to communicate with a male therapist. I believe they'll be in the minority, but there will be some - women who have past issues dealing with other women, women who've been harmed by other women, or just women, like me, who've always had an easier time communicating with men (I have seven older brothers - five older sisters, but the sisters are MUCH older - so I grew up around guys and mostly find it easier to talk to guys).

In general, I think most women will have an easier time talking about really personal or potentially hurtful issues with other women. But there will be some for whom talking to you will be easier.

[Lydia Leftcoast]

4. It depends on the individual patient's situation

The first time I was depressed, I had a male therapist (assigned through the university health service), and it was actually helpful, because some of my issues had to do with male-female relationships.

The second time I was depressed, over 15 years later, those issues were mostly behind me, and I had a female therapist who seemed to know that I needed to probe issues with my family of origin.

The last place I taught had only men on its student counseling staff for years, and I heard from students, including women students, that they could be very helpful. However, the women students did NOT want to go the men therapists with sexual issues or feminist issues, and they were bending the ears of the women professors, who did not feel qualified to counsel them.

Finally, thanks to a campaign by women faculty and students, the college hired a woman counselor. Many of the men faculty insisted that the male counselors were entirely qualified to treat all students, until one of the more outspoken women asked, "When you were eighteen, would you have gone to a woman counselor with sexual problems?" They got the point.

[bloom]

5. RE:

"So what I've been wondering is if women will, on average, not be able to open up or trust me because I am a man."


I don't think that the question is whether "women will, on average, not be able to open up or trust you" - but whether YOU are able to recognize rape when you hear about it.

There are a lot of men who are still in denial about rape (some of them post on DU). Some of those men are therapists. So you have a woman who goes to talk to a therapist and he dismisses a rape as not being a rape at all - or like it's not a big deal. Maybe from living in a culture where men are given a pass more often than not - he would rather live in denial.

There may be a few therapists who are men who have studied women's issues enough to be qualified. I would say - that however much you have studied women's issues - that you should study them more - and try to think about them from a woman's point of view.

I went to a therapist who was a man once. It wasn't a good experience.

It actually pisses me off that you framed this as if the problem is with the woman - not trusting, etc. The problem is with men who happen to be insensitive slobs who think they are therapists. (OK - I'm mostly pissed off at the insensitive slob who thought he was a therapist).

Actually - I think therapists would have a better understanding of people of both genders if they practiced therapy with both genders. If a therapist only talked to women or only talked to men - s/he might get more skewed ideas about human interactions. At the same time - it doesn't really surprise me if therapists of a particular gender identify with the problems of the person of their gender - when it comes to human interactions. I think that people are not as objective as they would like to think.

Some people are in therapy for things - panic attacks or whatnot - where the gender of the therapist may not have as much significance. But I suppose that you have a point - that because of the widespread abuse of women - that many will not want to see a man. It's nice that they have that option.

Those are my thoughts.

[varkam]

7. Sorry, it wasn't my intention to offend.

I don't mean to say that if someone can't open up and trust, it is automatically some fault of their own. In situations like this, I would tend to view it as the fault of the situation - a woman is raped and has trouble trusting men, I am a man, therefore she would have trouble trusting me. It's not really that she's not trying hard enough or she's cold or whatever, rather it's just a result of her experiences.

As for recognizing rape when I see it, I would hope I can do that. One thing I know about therapy thus far (albeit little) is that, generally speaking, if the client recognizes "it" (whatever it is) as a big deal then I would do well to recognize it was a big deal as well. For instance, if a client tells me that his fear of little pink elephants is keeping him from going to work or going out with friends, then it would be a bad move for me to dismiss that fear because little pink elephants don't exist.

Anyway, sorry if I've offended you.

[bloom]

11. I didn't think that it was.

The thing of it is - I don't think that it's reasonable to assume that just because a woman was raped that she couldn't talk to a therapist who was a man. It's not like the rapist represents every man - as if all men are contaminated.

When a woman goes to a male therapist - expecting respect - expecting some reasonable point of view regarding rape and rapists (or whatever the issue happens to be) - and gets some kind of response like he thinks it's nothing - then that is not helpful - and is actually worse than not seeing a therapist at all. It's because some men are insensitive (or want to protect their idea of "men" or whatever) that there are ever trust issues, anyway. That idea doesn't come from nowhere.


Here's a therapy tip re: "if the client recognizes "it" (whatever it is) as a big deal then I would do well to recognize it was a big deal as well"

Different people have different styles. Some people might throw out something that happened to see how someone else responds to the thing. (Saying nothing is better than saying something dismissive). Actually - I think the male therapist that I went to did not take anything I said seriously (I suspect that he had more issues than I did). I think you should take everybody seriously unless or until you have a reason not to.

[noamnety]

12. I want to add to this

I'm gonna give you (varkam not bloom) a bit of a critique here, which I hope will be taken in the spirit that it's meant, which is to help you look at things from a woman's perspective, not to call you out, and only because you're asking directly how we think women might react to you as a therapist.

I was also thinking of suggesting that you do some gender studies. I mean taking some courses run by a womens studies department, not the psych department.

I searched two things with your user name, not because I remembered your name, but because some attitudes are so ingrained in men that I figure they are embedded in all men. Some men recognize that at some point, and work to undo it. Most don't. Anyway, I searched your name and the word "balls." And then I searched your name and the word "bitch."

Before you decide you'd make a good therapist for women, I think you need to get to a place where you don't think along the lines of strong/mouthy/bossy (whatever) people needing to "get their pants custom tailored" to fit their giant balls. Whether you disagree with a person or agree with them, the trait of them being outspoken about their beliefs should not be tied in your head to the size of their (male) genitals.

Likewise, if you dislike a woman, you need to get to a place where you can dislike her as an individual, and not see her as a "bitch" - a dehumanized thing that is embodied in a word that describes a "class" of women you dislike. It's the sexist equivalent of calling a slacker who happens to be Mexican a "lazy Mexican." The reference becomes more than a statement about an individual - it becomes a confirmation of a negative stereotype, and while I'm sure there are, in fact, lazy mexicans just as their are lazy white folks (I admit to being one), the phrasing of it points to an attitude toward the race itself, just as the word "bitch" points to an attitude about our gender as a whole.

So I'm suggesting you do some serious studying on that, and come to terms with some of those issues within yourself, because aside from just (I hope) wiping those terms from your vocabularly, I think if you come to an honest understanding of WHY a woman might ask you to make that change, you'll come to a better understanding of women as a whole. Part of being female is to be bombarded with that language day after day after day, nonstop in the media and in our daily interactions, and even on DU. We are forever exposed to the toxic idea that strength = maleness, that if someone disagrees with us, we aren't just viewed as a person on the other side of the debate, we are a shrew, a bitch, etc. - the negativity is so closely tied in with messages about our gender that it becomes part of who we are. Even the women that use those terms themselves, and I'm not denying they exist, are still constantly exposed to that message.

[varkam]

15. Thank you for your comments.

:hi:

[BlueIris]

6. The only good experiences I've had with therapists have been with men.

But the way a patient or client responds to a psychiatrist or other healthcare provider is entirely individual, of course, depending on a thousand different personal and clinical issues.

[Finder]

8. I personally would prefer a male...

but like another poster above, I tend to communicate better with males and interact more with males than females.

I do have acquaintances of both genders who are therapists and the approaches/philosophies are quite different. I myself have done some counseling and have better success with males than females. Male brain perhaps?

[raccoon]

9. As some others have said here already, it depends.

Generally, I'd rather deal with a woman therapist. But I had a male therapist in the past that I felt helped me a lot.

Some men just don't get date rape--I mean, that other guys do it. Some men don't get it that sometimes on a date, guys will just be so sexually aggressive, even if the woman has made it clear she doesn't want sex, that's what he wants and he doesn't give a happy rat's ass whether she wants it or not.

Once I had a male therapist ridicule me about that. I never went back to the bastard.

[Ayesha]

10. I think it depends

I'm a therapist intern and I currently work in support groups with people who have cancer. I've also been in therapy myself in the past. I am a lesbian woman, and generally I prefer to see a female therapist, but I can't rule out that I'd be comfortable with the right man. My best friend is a hetero man and I talk to him about lots of very personal matters, after all.

At my workplace, all of the therapists and interns except one are female. Seeing as he works with all women, and leads groups that include women with breast and ovarian cancer, the man is totally used to being around women, sensitive to women's issues and body image issues, and nothing fazes him. The groups tend to be about 75% female as well. My theory is that women are more socialized to talk about their feelings, so many men with cancer and male family members don't join groups. Most of the female group members are comfortable with the males, and will talk about sensitive matters in front of them, but I have noticed that there is more talk of that nature on nights when it happens to be all women.

I think that you have excellent potential to be a good therapist for women because you recognize how much you don't know and can't know about the female experience (not that there is one that is universal) in society. As a therapist you don't and shouldn't pretend to know everything. You are there to listen, BELIEVE, support, and ask questions or offer suggestions that may help a person to see their situation in a new way. By doing these things, you can model what a kind, honest man is, restoring hope and trust in women who have been betrayed by men in the past. If you show through your words and actions that you are a man who can be trusted, you will find that both men and women will trust you. Not all, of course, but many, including some who at first didn't think they could.

[Warpy]

13. It depends on the problem

and I know some male therapists who do deal with sexual abuse victims of all types successfully. They share one quality, that of being able to maintain a therapeutic distance even when the client is sharing very intimate problems.

Good therapy lies in asking the right questions and listening to the answers. Good therapists can do this and the sex of the therapist doesn't matter to the process.

However, it will matter to some women, and it will matter to some men, too. I can easily see some men refusing to go to a woman therapist.

[NMMNG]

14. I see no reason that a man can't be a good therapist for a woman

It would probably be a good idea, just for your sake, to take a course or two on womens issues. It could help you get an idea of their concerns from their perspective.




Given the statistics with sexual abuse and rape and the fact that more women seek treatment for mental problems than men,



I'd be interested in seeing those stats. The MH agency I work in serves mostly men as we rarely get referrals for female clients. There seems to be a dearth of females seeking the types of services we provide (though perhaps outpatient services have different statistics).

[Sparkly]

16. I've been helped a great deal by two male therapists.

My own issues haven't been focused on sexual abuse or rape, but they're very much related to my experiences as a girl and woman, relationships with men (including abusive ones), and the rape of someone close to me.

I think the therapists who helped me understood me as a human being with human needs, appetites, feelings, and voice; they didn't apply anything TO me as a woman (didn't assume anything, read anything in), but listened to what I said about my own thoughts, feelings, fears, experiences. I think they counseled me the same ways they'd have counseled a man expressing the same things.

I'm not sure I'm saying this very well, but I think they started with a view of human beings as human beings, and whatever I expressed about myself was heard and responded to, but there were no previous assumptions coming from them about my being a woman. It was about equality, really, starting from a sort of equal plane -- and they saw that I needed to be heard and treated equally, to stand up for myself and expect my voice to carry equal weight as anyone else's, to believe that I deserve that equality. Does that make sense?

I think these things in MY experience do relate to my being a girl/woman, and maybe they're more prevalent among women, but they aren't exclusive to women, I'm sure... (I've also had very UNhelpful therapists, both women and men!)

Anyway, fwiw, my very MOST helpful therapist was a man, and tied for second place were a man and a woman. So YES -- if you're a good therapist (starting with a good human being!), I'm sure most women will trust you.

[marions ghost]

17. It is possible

for a man to be a good therapist for a woman, but we are a long way from the kind of society where a woman would have no fears about it. When women are in a vulnerable situation, they should seek out a female therapist IMO. In any given situation, at best, I'd say you run about a 50-50 chance of getting a man who understands how to deal with a woman's issues sensitively. Those odds are just too risky for most women to feel good about.

A lot more could be done with teaching men how to deal effectively with women, and vice versa. Women cannot counsel men well in every situation either.