Shame and women

[cally]

This is an intrigueing article on shame. The whole article is worth reading.


We should all take 'voice lessons' from Dixie Chicks
Women pay a high price for silence and 'making nice'


By BRENÉ BROWN



"...These social "voice lessons" are built around rigid gender roles that leave women with very little room to navigate expectations while maintaining authenticity. If we break one of these rules, we are automatically labeled and stereotyped. If we assert ourselves, we become the pushy, loudmouthed bitch who everyone loves to hate. If we clarify or correct, we become the arrogant know-it-all who no one can stand to be around. If we're honest about something that is taboo or makes other people feel uncomfortable, we're labeled as a weirdo or freak. If two women get into a heated political debate on television, it's a "catfight." On the other hand, if two men get into the same debate, it's a lively discussion on important issues.

I've studied human behavior and listened to country music long enough to make an educated guess about how DJs would handle a male singer making an antiwar comment on tour. It would probably go something like this: "Now these good ole boys need to focus on their fiddles and do what they do best. So, sit back and take a listen to what these fine men can do when they're not running at the mouth." I've never seen male celebrities boycotted or getting death threats and having their CDs crushed by bulldozers at public events simply because they spoke out about their political beliefs.

Three women stood up, spoke out and got slapped down by a culture that doesn't take kindly to women folk who break the rules. And don't make the mistake of thinking that only men are to blame. There are many wonderful, strong men who support authenticity in women, and there are plenty of women who pledge allegiance to silence. Often, when women live under the weight of silence and fear speaking out, they have the least tolerance for other women who break the rules — they use them as targets to discharge their pain and rage.

...
Our authenticity is the price we pay for "making nice" and that's just too high.

http://www.chron.com/disp/story.mpl/editorial/outlook/4560315.html

[raccoon]

1. Thanks for posting this. Good article.

"If two women get into a heated political debate on television, it's a "catfight." On the other hand, if two men get into the same debate, it's a lively discussion on important issues."

That is so true. Here on DU even, you hear the word "catfight"--a term I believe demeans women.

[SemperEadem]

2. shame is an extremely powerful device that is used successfully on women

I call it "The Eve Device" (tm). It's used to keep women in a subservient, subordinant place. It's used to keep them from owning their own voice. It's used to keep them from owning their own power. It's used to keep them in bad situations because of what other people would think if they owned their own power and stood up for themselves. The Dixie Chicks paid a huge, bitter price for their strength and I'm sure it has been a hard row to hoe for these ladies, but they did not give in to the shame game being forced upon them. No matter what the naysayers have said since their sweeping the Grammies, what happened that night was divine vindication and retribution for not only what they went through, but for the fact of things having fallen out in experience since Maines first said those words in England.

This device is used to brainwash women into thinking if they don't heed shame, then they won't find acceptance; even further, they won't find a man/get married/be taken care of/ blah blah blah. If a woman is that weak to begin with and believes the she, alone, isn't enough for herself and her own life, then she will buy into it. She will attract men who will be glad to do their part in the shame game. She will pass it down to her female children. She will disparage other women who have found their strength and their voice; who won't waste their time being shamed by people who don't mean squat to their life.

there are plenty of women who pledge allegiance to silence. Often, when women live under the weight of silence and fear speaking out, they have the least tolerance for other women who break the rules — they use them as targets to discharge their pain and rage.


that is the vulgar, unvarnished truth.

[Morgana LaFey]

3. the only thing is --

and maybe I read the material too fast --

but shame is used on EVERYbody in this culture. Yes, of course it has a very deleterious effect on women and is no doubt used more on women, but it's used on men as well. I think of it as one of society's major tools of control and acculturation

Excellent article, tho and I agree with all of it.

[ThomCat]

4. Yes and know

As a person with a disability I see shame used as a weapon frequently. It's used to enforce a sense of powerlessness. As a gay man I sometimes feel that someone is attempting to make me feel shame. But simply as a man, I very rarely feel like someone is trying to make me feel ashamed.

The times when I think someone is trying to make me feel shame as a man is when I'm stepping outside of what they think is acceptable for a man, like when I stand up for feminism when guys are taking pot shots.

Shame is used much more consistently against some people than against others.

[Morgana LaFey]

5. Excellent points, thank you

And yes, shame is VERY powerful and widely used to enforce gender roles, etc., which brings us right back to the article, doesn't it?

[ThomCat]

6. Oops. Pardon my horrible spelling, above.

:P