Watching the abused woman on ABC 20/20

[Rockstone]

It's making me sick. My wife has put me through a decade of physical and mental abuse. I haven't done anything about it because no one would believe me. I looked for help online and I found one reference to a book written about abused men, but it seemed it was somehow attacked people discredited it. They said there is no such thing as abused men.

I haven't suffered as much as most of the people. I get slapped in the head, have things thrown at me, screamed at, glasses of water thrown in my face, threatened, but no bleeding or bruising, but on a more or less regular basis, probably about 1/4 to 1/3 of the time.

So before someone starts another thread making so sweeping indictment of men, you just remember me. OK?

[mtowngman]

1. so why do you stay with her?

[Rockstone]

4. It's not easy to walk away

when you have children, you do love each other, etc. etc. You live for the times when it's good, and suffer through the bad. We all do this in life anyway, so you just evolve into dealing with it. There is also the embarassment of throwing in the towel on your marriage when you hope you never would a divorcee.

[mtowngman]

28. Hey Rockstone

sorry if I caused any grief or discomfort by asking you the "wrong question" as the person who responded to my post suggested. I'm not a counselor or mental health professional nor do I pretend to be. As we all know, this is not the place to be diagnosing illness or dispensing treatment. I'm just a guy who heard your story, felt for you, and wants you to get yourself out of harms way. I hope you're able to work this thing out.
peace and love, brother.

[barb162]

145. Half of marriages end in divorce as you know

DOn't worry about that. You'll still have the kids and they'd probably want to stay with you and get away from her

[Lindacooks]

16. Please don't do that. That's the wrong question.

The right question is 'why is SHE doing this'? If there isn't an answer, perhaps he can leave. But there may be a lot more going on here than we know about, and there are professionals who can help. Note I say 'professionals' - mental health professionals, not 'counselors' or religious leaders. While those people have their place, they aren't qualified to help people who are really ill.

[ScreamingMeemie]

91. Probably for the same reasons I stayed with my ex...

Because I felt that (perhaps in part) I deserved it...because he told me so...

Because I felt that I was damaged goods... because he told me so...


Because I had no one else to turn to...because he told me so...


It doesn't look so very plain and simple until one is on the outside looking in. :hi:

[derby378]

2. Would you please do us all a favor and stand up to the harpy?

I feel for you. Really, I do. My wife's first husband beat her, too, until she finally left him. But you've got to stand up on your hind legs and take the dignity that is rightfully yours.

[Rockstone]

5. Stand up by breaking up my family?

[trotsky]

6. Why do you think your wife is an abuser?

Could it be that she grew up modeling herself after an abusive relationship?

Do you want your kids to follow suit, or would you rather break the chain?

[Rockstone]

18. She can't control her emotions

she works herself up. Like, lately she can just snap in a second when something sets her off. It will happen several times a day usually.

Where it came from I don't know. She was a military kid. Father was an MP. Her mother is practiced at the art of denial. I have seen her out of control behaviour with them and I have called them to discuss it, but her mother flat out denied it.

[trotsky]

22. You're destroying your family by doing nothing.

At a bare minimum, you need to get family counseling. A 3rd party who can recognize the abuse and get your wife the help she needs. If you can't make that happen, I'm sorry, but you're going to destroy the future of your children. You have to fix this relationship or end it. Yesterday.

[MellowOne]

63. if she can't control her emotions

and she just snaps when something sets her off, she might be bipolar. My best friends mother acts in this manner when she goes off her medication. Anyway, it's something to think about.

[Rockstone]

118. I have wondered

I was reading about it yesterday. The call the anger being "irritated". Whatever it is it has gotten really bad lately.

[Lydia Leftcoast]

150. Maybe bipolar, maybe just manipulative

I remember reading that abusers appear to be "out of control," but in fact, they know when it's safe to become enraged (with family members) and when it's not (with strangers or in the workplace or with someone they're trying to impress).

There are real anger junkies who are obnoxious to everyone and bi-polar people who really do go out of control periodically, but others just put on the rage act because they enjoy lording it over people and making them suffer. Basically, they're narcissists.

That's why abused spouses are often not believed. "Oh, how could So-and-So be an abuser? He's such a great guy!"

[InvisibleTouch]

70. This sounds a lot like my aunt and uncle's relationship.

They're both among my favorite relatives, but my aunt sounds a lot like your wife, unable to control her emotions and quick to resort to screaming, hitting, and throwing things when she gets set off - and she got worse over the years. My uncle wanted peace and just let her rampage until she settled down again. Like you, I suspect he also didn't want to break up his family (they have 3 kids), so he just endured. The upshot is, he's had cancer twice now from all the stress, and that's what it finally took for him to realize he had to get out of the relationship, after 30 years, because it was literally killing him. It was a messy divorce, I won't lie to you, but he's much happier now. And you know what - my aunt is happier too. It's unlikely she'll find someone else who allows himself to be treated the way she treated my uncle, which means she has to get control of herself, and that's been good for her. Finally, all three kids were fully in support of the divorce, though they love both their parents. They asked their dad why he hadn't left sooner.

My advice to anyone, male or female, is not to let yourself be treated with disrespect. One should never need another person so badly that you subjugate yourself. You need to safeguard yourself, but also consider the example you're setting for your kids. You want to teach them by example to stand up for themselves and not to allow themselves to be mistreated.

Good luck to you.

[Rockstone]

123. thanks for that story

I have thought about the cancer.

I am out - so that part is in motion. I can get a room off craigslist to have a space. One of the things I have feared is the depression of getting out, but I think having this feedback helps me feel less creepy about it. I will be near by. I'll get a counselor and that should quickly lead to some mental health treatment for my wife. The marriage issue is secondary to getting her some treatment. Getting her to accept the idea is the biggest challenge.

[barb162]

144. Getting away from her is important. I am glad you're out

It does the kids no good to watch her mistreat you and it sure does you no good. I have a relative whose wife is verbally abusive. It's disgusting. She does it in front of the kids and other people. The kids learned from her it's okay to disrespect their father. She wouldn't be happy unless her husband earned 10 million bucks a year. Because he doesn't, to her he's no good. I have urged this relative for years to dump that money-grubbing insulting bitch. He always mentions the kids who are now in their 20s and don't give a damn about their father. He'd be better off in some rusty trailer in some crappy trailer park than to be one more day in that same house with her

[barb162]

153. You are so right. And the kids would be way better off not

watching the anger junkie or whatever she is doing her thing.

[Dorian Gray]

98. I don't mean this in any way

as an attack on you, as it isn't in the slightest. But, whenever someone says that they can't control their emotions, it's a load of bunk. Sort of. You can't really control your emotions, but you CAN control how you strike out at people.

Since you've been in this relationship, and it has been the status quo for a long time, it will be difficult to leave. My father in law is dealing with a really unhappy emotionally abusive relationship with mymother in law. His posture is really sad. He looks surrendered. He feels so helpless.

What I suggest to you is to immediately go to counselling. Perhaps you will be able to find a place in yourself where you feel like you can stand up to her. Standing up doesn't mean leaving her. If she is as committed to you as you are to her, then you can fix these behaviors. If not, you are teaching your children to live in an abusive situation, and that is never acceptable.

[barb162]

147. Good advice but she doesn't seem capble of changing

her behavior. She seems to be a "it's my way or the highway" type.

[shanti]

45. exactly

if you can't leave for yourself, leave for your childrens' sake, the earlier the better!

[derby378]

8. SHE is the one breaking up your family, not YOU

The one thing that most spouse-beaters do is convince their victims that they are to blame for all of their misfortunes and for any harm that falls on the family. Please, please, PLEASE do not let yourself fall into that trap.

[clydefrand]

14. Your children will suffer more if you stay in this marriage.

They will learn your mistakes and carry those on into their lives later on. Stop making excuses and get the hell out of an abusive marriage. She won't get better unless you stand up for your rights.

Have you tried therapy? If so and it hasn't helped, then move out and make a life with your children outside of marriage. It ain't easy, but it's better than losing your self respect and soon your children will lose respect for you also.

No one who is serious about marriage wants to call it quits. I knew that I had to get out of my marriage, but it was heartbreaking. Go while you can still have good memories of the past and possibly the present.

[Rockstone]

38. We tried therapy once

We were required to take it.

One of the things the counselor said was that you know nobody can hit. But my wife is of the opinion that its OK for her to hit me because I'm a man, but I can't hit her. The counselor couldn't ever get her to agree that hitting is bad. Then the requirement was over and we moved. I just don't know who to get to help me make her hold herself accountable to reality. She just bends everything to fit her world, I think.

[barb162]

146. She seems like a real bull.

Whatever her reality is, you don't have to accept it. It is unhealthy for you to be around her. I hope you see less and less of her.

[silverojo]

41. Yes, BREAK UP the family!

Whether it's from women or men, I get tired of hearing that lame excuse. Your kids would be better off without an environment of abuse. You know it. One of these days her "emotions" could cause her to throw a pot of boiling water on one of them, disfiguring him/her for life...or do something to kill one of them.

You need to look inside yourself and face the fact that you're saying "I can't break up my family", while MEANING, "I don't want to leave her."

I've never said this to a man before, but it applies just as much as it does to a woman. As a parent, it's your job to protect those kids by removing them from such an environment. As a person, it's your job to face reality and quit using the kids as an excuse for your OWN desire not to leave an abusive spouse.

I'm not being critical, just telling you that the first step toward solving the problem is realizing what it is in the first place. Try the counseling suggestions offered elsewhere in this thread, but if that doesn't work, LEAVE HER. Your kids' lives could depend on it.

[Rockstone]

73. She does a lot of screaming

and spanks, but not like old fashioned style after the fact abuse, just hitting at the moment she gets that angry. She believes in dicipline and gets mad at me for not spanking the kids. I tell her I don't believe in it, but she says I'm not a real man, I'm a pussy.

[wickerwoman]

140. Sorry, but hitting your kids when you're angry *is* abuse.

Screaming at your kids *is* abuse. I don't think spanking your kids is always abuse, but doing it when you're angry sure as shit is.

[bluerum]

69. The devils bargain. Do you think your kids would benefit more from

observing family abuse on what sounds like daily basis, or having parents that come to terms with life's inequities, face hard truths, and make hard decisions for the right reasons?

I am not judging, just posing the possibility that sometimes we hang onto things for the wrong reasons.

[Rockstone]

79. She cooks and does laundry

She makes them go to bed at a reasonable hour, in most regards she is a fine, perhaps outstanding mother. She was raised with a strong sense of how you have to be.

She has kicked me out for now, her fuse is pretty short right now, but wants me to come back tomorrow night for the neighbor's halloween party. I am afraid to go and afraid not to. She wants me to, and will punish me if I don't do what she expects. I would probably stay the night in a spare room and leave the next day. I think there is an understanding on both of our parts that we can't go back without some counseling or mediation.

[OPERATIONMINDCRIME]

86. Dude, My Heart Seriously Goes Out To Ya. I Know How Tremendously

hard and painful this must be on you. But always remember you are strong enough to handle whatever is to come in the future, and know that you have the world of support here to help you through it. I know you and your wife love each other, but there are things that definitely need to be addressed. Time apart, even a little at first, could do the world of good for you two. I'm sorry she treats you these ways but I also know that deep inside she has a lot of good that you continue to love. Always remember the good inside of her and try not to let any personal animosity arise if things go their separate ways. No matter how hard it might be, if it comes to that, your kids need to know that you are both not only still there for them, but that you care about each other as well. I know you are both good people, but there are things between you right now that will not go away overnight. There are levels of frustration and anger that have built up that can only start to be resolved, in my opinion, by first having some time apart so that the anger meter can get back down to a level that allows some tolerance. Too often, when that meter is full due to being around each other all the time, there is no room left to tolerate all of the flaws each of us have. When it reaches that point, aggressive fighting is imminent. So do your best to work things out, but some time away here and there can only help things stabilize. Regardless, I know these days have to be really tough on you. Hang in there, stay strong, and remember you have a wonderful community here that will help you in any ways you need, or even just to give you something to do to take your mind off of things: Cause lord knows, DU is one damn addictive place.

Peace to ya bro, hang in there.

[AZBlue]

97. OMC, great post!

You always speak so wisely - thank you for sharing.

[OPERATIONMINDCRIME]

101. Well,

Sometimes I'm not so wise, I'm more of a sarcastic though justified prick LOL (see below). Damn multiple personality thing and all hehehe.

In all seriousness though, thanks for your kind words.

[OPERATIONMINDCRIME]

3. My Heartfelt Sympathies Go Out To You. I'm Sorry You Have To Put Up With That

and hope someday you find a way to escape it and find someone who isn't so abusive.

Always remember you have a heck of a community here to lean on and to support you when you need us bro. Hang in there.

[Rockstone]

9. I would rather she be cured

but the way she sees it, everything is my fault because I make her mad and deserve the things she does, in her mind.

I am afraid that people don't really change, and I don't know that I can take much more, so the leaving might be the end outcome. Hard to be in the place where you wonder whether to leave or stick around and hope it gets better.

[Lindacooks]

12. It sounds to me like she may need professional help.

Would she be willing to go see a mental health professional? It sounds like she has a lot of extreme anger - which is common in people who are very depressed.

I'm sorry you've had to go through this. You know, women's advocates and centers do help men too. My husband ran a women's center and they helped men. You need to talk to somebody; people will believe you. I do.

On edit: take a look at this:

http://incestabuse.about.com/cs/healing/a/male.htm

[Rockstone]

44. She wants me to go to therapy

She doesn't have a problem to her - its everyone else who has the problem.

A long time ago, our good friend told her in a really nice way, look, getting that angry is a problem and you should see a doctor and get it fixed. also said how if you had a broken arm you would do it so don't feel bad about it. Yes maybe she is depressed... She sleeps really late, until like noon or 2 pm. Stays up late. I try go to bed by 12 because I get up at 6:30, but I think she has a routine of TV shows. I know Little House is inthe lineup this year. Lifetime and Lifetime Movie are fortunatly not on that much because she has already seen all of the movies already, so she only watches one when a new one comes on.

She doesn't look like a depressed person though. But she feels like a loser because she doesn't have a career.

[aquart]

78. Is it cyclical? Is she nicer when fed? Is she in her thirties? Forties?

And, yeah, she's depressed....is she sensitive to sound? Does she flare up because she feels like she's being attacked when it's nothing that would bother anyone else?

[Rockstone]

90. 30s

cyclical- i can't really say it's not it is a repetitious pattern at least.
nicer when fed, i don't know.
sensitive to sound - she doesn't like to be disturbed by noise, but who does.
last question - yes, I think the things that set her off would not bother a "normal" person and that observation is recognized by her friends. A lot of time lately they are little obsessive things like - "You didn't order for me. You never do. You're a pussy. You don't speak up for yourself, ever. You're not a real man."

[Lindacooks]

135. Depressed people aren't just sad. They express many emotions

one being anger. Maybe if both of you would go to therapy, and you said it was for you, she'd eventually talk to the doctor about how she feels. It probably would come out.

[OPERATIONMINDCRIME]

13. I Posted This On Edit Above, But Too Late I Guess. Here It Is Instead

I see that your situation is a bit more complex than just simply being able to leave. I know how difficult that can be and how you really feel you have no choice but to stay. Since that's the case, you may never have the 'perfect' relationship with your wife, but you need to at least let her know that hitting/throwing/physical abuse are simply NOT TOLERABLE. You guys can yell (though not in front of the kids) and give cold shoulders and even have some good heated rage fests, but neither of you can tolerate it getting physical at all. That's what you need to let her know. You need to let her know that you love her, and you know she loves you, and you both love the kids, but that though you will have your times of fighting you guys can't let it get to the point of physicality. That's for both of your sakes and your kids' sakes. You two need to commit to each other that no matter how pissed you get or hard to control your impulses it is, that you simply CAN'T bring it to a physical level.

And also learn to look for each other's cues more. If you know you're reaching a level of hard to control anger, or you know that she is, then simply walk away. Take yourself out of the situation. You know enough by now to know when that point is coming, so don't just keep standing there and letting it get out of control. Go for a drive, go into another room, just walk away until things simmer down enough to be at a safe from abuse level. If you must stay in this marriage, than you need to start being smart about how to avoid the physical confrontation, for the sake of all of you.

You both might also want to look into each taking an anger management class. You may feel you don't need one, but your wife would probably be much more supportive of going herself if you volunteered to learn more yourself.

[clydefrand]

20. We are all in charge of our emotions. If we get mad at a spouse,

it's because WE can't control our emotions. It isn't the fault of anyone else. I will always remember: We are responsible for our own behavior.

[Lydia Leftcoast]

34. Look at what you wrote

but the way she sees it, everything is my fault because I make her mad and deserve the things she does,

Whoa! Classic abuser talk right there! And you have classic abused person behavior in coming up with all kinds of reasons why you can't leave.

I'm going to give you the advice I wish an abused (male) friend of mine would take:

Some women are just fucked-up shrews. It doesn't matter why they are that way, and no amount of love or understanding or giving in to their demands is going to "save" them. They don't need your understanding or patience or promises to behave so as not to offend them: they need you to get the hell out of there and take any kids that she has been abusive to.

You need to get out of that house for your own mental and physical safety. After that, you need mental health counseling, not because you're crazy--she's the one that's crazy, remember--but because she has done a number on your self-esteem. You need to explore why you were attracted to such a psycho-shrew and perhaps stay away from new relationships for a while until you've gained a little insight into why you're punishing yourself like this, why you seem to be addicted to this woman who treats you so badly.

I think that just as some women mistake the bad behavior of sociopathic men for excitement, some men mistake the emotional heat of the shrew for sexual passion.

But first and foremost, LEAVE. Your family is already broken. You can't put Humpty Dumpty together again, and you will need to mourn that.

But after you have finished mourning, you have a chance to find someone who really appreciates you.

[Rockstone]

59. That's on the money, sister

I find myself asking myself the same questions. Longing for a normal person instead of someone who is in a constant state of war. I do feel the "save" her thing.

Her behaviour is very predictable. She finds something that you did wrong, throws a fit and storms out and calls someone to tell them this one sided account. Always so you can hear what's being said about you but not be able to reply.

She is obsessed with ways I have wronged her.

[woo me with science]

85. very nice response.

i always cringe a tiny bit when anyone says therapy is "necessary," but i do agree that these particular topics would be good ones for a lot of discussion and contemplation before thinking about going into a new relationship.

and absolutely you do not want to be teaching your children this. you don't want to teach them to be on EITHER end of a relationship like this. in fact, leaving might be the most important lesson you ever teach them.

and lydia is right. you deserve better, too.

[radwriter0555]

113. Abusers never change. Male or female, abusers are mentally ill and you cannot

change them. Sadly, the one who has to 'change' is you, and you need to change your life and exclude her from it and save your children and yourself from anymore abuse.

You're entitled to live a nice life, and so are your children.

You can take the steps to end this relationship by documenting the abuse, chronicalling, hidden video and audio cameras, and going FIRST to a good financial accountant and then to a GOOD mean divorce lawyer as you're accumulating your evidence to leave this disaster of a relationship. And you and your children must get counseling of course, you first.

It's about going through a process. The first step is to sit with your tax person to arrange your finances for your divorce, then the visit to the divorce lawyer to start arranging it. As you are doing these things, you need to set up a very subtle video and audio system to capture this abuse on film so that your evidence is overwhelming. Along with a good domestic abuse counselor, you can change this entire situation within a few weeks, believe it or not. There is no better time than now.

It's time for solutions and actions, no more excuses!!!

You can pm me if you need to chat more. You deserve a better life.

[Rockstone]

124. Is that true?

There is definitely an anger problem that may be treatable if it is bipolar disorder, but how does that relate to being an abuser? Are they two separate things?

[radwriter0555]

134. It's true if the abuser refuses to be treated. Do we then endow any male abusers

with the excuse of being bi-polar? Or even one? At what point do the excuses stop for either sex on any issues... at what point should we fail to insist that people take responsibility for their own actions?

IF any abuser, male or female, successfully seeks treatment for their THEN and only then do they actually change. Until then nothing they do or say should be tolerated by their victims, regardless of the nature of the abuse.

I don't see how you can separate an 'anger problem' in a woman from an 'anger problem' in a man. Clearly our OP is suffering terribly and in no way any differently than a female in the same position. The only "difference" is that women are naturally less physically violent and tend to be less passive, but in no way any less damaging in their abuse, and therefore the victim here isn't in peril for his life through beatings and brute force.

I am personally well aware of was horrific female abusers, and abuses by females shouldn't be tolerated or excused any more than by a male for any reason. Not treating a mental disease such as bi-polar disorder is no different than not treating substance addictions, since addictions are also a disease.

Unless the abuser here seeks out treatment for herself and her entire family, then they should separate from her until she actively changes.

The OP can indeed benefit from counseling on his own, if for nothing else than to empower himself with the strength to either insist she gets treatment or to leave her. It's a horrible situation.

[barb162]

148. She can have all kinds of problems. Maybe she's very

passive-aggressive too. It sounds like she has some neurosis or personality disorder. Maybe she's got a bit of narcissism in her with that "it's everyone else's fault" bit. Who knows? She doesn't seem bipolar to me as I am not reading anything from you about big mood swings where she goes into deep depressions or manic states.

[sendero]

7. Dude..

... I know other men who've had this problem. Start a fight kicking, punching, and then call the cops when the dude hit back.

There have been studies done that indicate that this problem is widespread, but few men will admit and and they almost never call the cops.

Really, kids, whatever - nobody should put up with that. Yes, you should leave.

[EFerrari]

19. They don't call the cops because they are more likely to be picked

up than the person who actually is out of control.

[sendero]

141. Exactly..

... the police always arrest the man, regardless of what has actually happened.

That's why if I were with such a woman I'd kick her to the curb so fast her head would spin. I'm not taking the blame for other people's problems, I have enough of my own, but hitting people isn't one of them.

[Catherine Vincent]

10. Either seek counseling or leave her.

Sorry you're having problems with your marriage.

[ismnotwasm]

11. I'm sorry about your experience

And I believe we can work against the all too common abuse against women without a sweeping indictment of men. No one deserves what you've been through either.

Recently my husband, who is disabled with MS-- saw a women being beat by a man on the street. He can walk and drive although is balance is bad, as well as other symptoms. He had no business getting involved physically but he didn't know how far the situation was going to go. He grabbed a metal object out of our car and hit this guy--hard, who fortunately was so cracked out he got up and ran.
I was furious with him when he told me, because the outcome could have been so bad--he could have been killed, but I understood his need to NOT sit and watch this woman be abused in public on the street.

I can sympathize with you and at the same time not minimize the danger women face every day from abusers.

I wish you all the best.

[Warpy]

15. Male abusers outnumber women something like 8 to 1

but that translates into 12.5% of spousal abuse being done by women.

You're not alone. Get to counseling. If she won't go, go without her.

Nobody should have to put up with abuse.

[EFerrari]

17. Hi there, Rockstone.

I'm in a group that is at least half guys in a relationship with women who go out of control.

It's especially hard for men because it goes against every stereotype that people learn. And everybody thinks they know what you should do -- before they know you or anything about your situation. Well, that's how people try to be helpful sometimes, isn't it?

I hope you're taking good care of yourself and that you have the support you need as you move through this.

Beth

[Rockstone]

23. What kind of a group is it?

What would it be called? I would feel better with that. I contacted a counselor the other day when I got kicked out to a hotel room where I am now. He was booked, but he did refer me to a gal, but I was prejudiced. She was I think a younger southern woman and I felt uncomfortable, that, i was afraid she would judge me for some embarassing things. I am from the north and I somehow don't quite trust southern judgemental values against people. So I'll try again. It is expensive.

When I looked I was looking for someone to just talk to and it sounded like I was just going to be paying $100 for an introductory hour and still be nowhere.

[EFerrari]

29. I'll PM you. n/t

[Matariki]

31. There's nothing wrong or predjudiced about a gender specific counselor

what's important is that you feel comfortable. Sounds like a group might be best for you.

[AZBlue]

99. My heart goes out to both of you!

I hope everything winds up better for you both.

[EFerrari]

121. I'm fine, thanks. There are a lot of families who deal with

behavior like this and sometimes, very successfully. There are a lot of tools out there if the family is willing to put in the work.

[Cleita]

21. Sorry that is happening to you Rockstone.

A lot of people don't know that there are abused husbands, but I have observed varying degrees of it in my lifetime. I'm not going to judge you as to why you let her do this to you, but I wonder if you have tried to get her into therapy?

She sounds like she has a lot of unresolved anger issues and that you are a convenient victim. I would talk to a professional counselor and see if an intervention by family and friends is in order to get this woman the psychiatric help she needs. Even if you are poor, there are social service networks in various communities that can steer you the right way.

My thoughts are with you. :hug:

[Matariki]

24. That sucks and it must hurt

in some ways it might even be worse for a man (as if abuse can be quantified) because of societal expectations. I think in the past, for women, the issue was more difficult because there was so much shame attached to it. But that has changed somewhat because women being abused has been discussed more openly. I think abused men might feel a sense of shame (unwarranted of course), so it's not talked about and people are unwilling to believe it or take it seriously.

Please try to get counseling - preferably couple's counseling, but if she refuses you should still go. Not to imply there is something 'wrong' with you, but the pain you get from abuse needs to be dealt with.

[Marie26]

25. Please seek help!

I believe you, and most domestic violence counselers would as well. There's a number of options, from marriage counseling, to moving out, to seeking a protective order. The most important thing is to seek help and change the situation.

Here's a good web-site specifically for abused men. It has lot of information about how to seek counseling & legal advice: http://www.heart-2-heart.ca/men/

[Fleshdancer]

26. My heart goes out to you

No one deserves abuse...especially from those who claim to love them.

I have a serious question for you now. What advice would you give if it was your adult child enduring this kind of abuse? Would you accept the argument that s/he stayed in the abusive relationship for the sake of the kids?

Of course, it's your life and your decision and I respect whatever you decide is best for you and your family. If you need to vent or just talk about it with an anonymous person please feel free to PM me anytime. :hug:

[Rockstone]

87. .

If it was my son I'd want him to get away from that fucking freak.

My parents aren't good enough for her so we can't really visit much. They don't like to be trapped with her because they are older and don't want to be upset. Her parents also don't like to be upset by her and keep the contact pretty minimal. If someone has a differing opinion or idea she criticises them and/or yells at them.

It's hard to leave your kids and that's what I have to do I guess. I can't feed them as well and do all the little things she does. I have to work or we'll sink.

Thanks for the PM offer. And thanks to all for the consideration. It helps make things clearer to write this stuff.

[Fleshdancer]

120. Isolating you from your friends/loved ones is a typical tactic with abuse

So she's overly hostile and controlling in every relationship it sounds like. Wow. Sweetheart, I hope she's a different person with the kids. How old are they?

I know we don't know each other but I would bet serious money on the fact that you are more capable of taking care of your kids than you give yourself credit for. You'll feed them just fine and the little things aren't important if they have to experience a hostile environment in order to get them. At the end of the day, kids want love, safety and stability. The little things are just that...little. Just remember that the good parents are the ones who think they aren't good enough. ;)

Isn't it amazing how writing out your thoughts makes things more clear? When things are stressful for me I like to open up a word document and just write. I don't have to save it (most of the time I delete it shortly after writing it) but just writing out my thoughts every day makes me feel much better and clears my head.

[StraightDope]

27. OK, so leave your wife if the abuse is that bad.

That shouldn't be any less than an obvious course of action if your relationship has constant physical abuse!

[survivor999]

30. Unless of course, there is no wife...

[WatchWhatISay]

39. What do you mean by that?

Please explain?

[OPERATIONMINDCRIME]

46. Well That Was Useless. Obviously There's A Wife, So Your Point Is

completely irrelevant.

[survivor999]

48. Is the wife here at DU?

Cuz I don't see her...

[OPERATIONMINDCRIME]

49. That's Gotta Be One Of The Most Nonsensical Posts I've Ever Seen.

Congrats on reaching that level of sheer absurdity and ludicrousness!

:toast:

[survivor999]

32. For every "abused" man...

There are one thousand severly abused women...

[Matariki]

33. why would you even want to start something like this?

do you think that makes someone else's pain any less real? what are you trying to prove? do you like internet fights or something? it's very cruel and disrespectful.

oops, stupid me, i took the bait. please don't answer my post.

[survivor999]

35. The truth hurts. Well known.

[Matariki]

37. total flamebait

hope you enjoy yourself.

[survivor999]

47. Hey amigo

Are you arguing that men abuse is as frequent as women abuse? Didn't think so...
And if your wife splashes water on your face to get you off the goddamn couch and stop watching sports, perhaps there is some benefit there... My 2c...

[OPERATIONMINDCRIME]

51. You're Condoning Abuse. You Should Be Ashamed Of Yourself.

You are also being extremely assumptive, as you know nothing specific about the OP's situation. Therefore, you are speaking out of sheer ignorance, and it shows blatantly.

[survivor999]

53. Ashamed to be a young woman?

Pal, it's not the 50s. You wish! Girls kick ass these days.

[Lydia Leftcoast]

56. Maybe YOU'RE Rockstone's wife

You fit his characterization. :evilgrin:

[survivor999]

58. Well, if my hubby watched crap on TV

I'd kick him in the butt. That's for sure! :)

[Fleshdancer]

133. grow the hell up

Controlling what your spouse watches on TV has absolutely NOTHING to do with the feminist movement, it has nothing to do with being a strong woman and it doesn't have anything to do with being independent. To say it does takes away from all the hard work of those who actually fight tooth and nail to make life more equatable for women.

Disrespecting your spouse has nothing to do with physical, emotional or mental strength...it just makes you an asshole.

[cigsandcoffee]

151. Very well said. n/t

[OPERATIONMINDCRIME]

57. Nope. Ashamed To Be An Ignoramus That Condones Abuse.

And it's obvious that you're a girl and not a woman, cause any woman I know would find your words and sentiments to be immature and pathetic.

Bye little girl.

[survivor999]

60. Bye pop!

World has changed, in case you did not notice. :)

[OPERATIONMINDCRIME]

62. True. Appears The Younger Generation Is Far More Ignorant Than They

used to be.

Maybe our education system truly has failed us, if you're any indication.

[survivor999]

65. And yet... My taxes are paying

for YOUR retirement. Don't forget that.

[OPERATIONMINDCRIME]

72. Nah, You'll Probably Get Them Back Via Your Unemployment Checks.

With the attitude you've expressed in here, it wouldn't come as a shock to me if you found you had trouble holding onto a job in the future.

So in the end, it may be my taxes paying for you.

[kittykitty]

142. I'm lovin' my SS checks amd Medicare, so keep working to pay me! n/t

[Dorian Gray]

108. Very true, OperationMindCrime...

as a woman, I find her comments very immature and annoying.

[TimeChaser]

80. You should be ashamed to belittle anyone's abuse.

[bling bling]

154. Speak for yourself, freak.

Girls don't "kick ass these days" now that it's no longer the 50's. Uh, not *normal* girls, anyway.

The fact that you think it's alright to throw a glass of water on a man's face for watching sports or to kick him in the butt for watching crap on T.V. is creepy and gross.

Based on what I've seen, you're about the last person I want speaking out here on behalf of girls, talking like you know anything about what it means to be a girl/woman in this day and age.

[woo me with science]

75. actually i suspect

there are just as many screwed up, aggressive women in this world as men. we all come out of the same homes, right? yes, the numbers for physical abuse are greater for men-on-women than the reverse. men are bigger and more likely to be physical in their abuse. however, studies of girls show that they can be terribly vicious too, sometimes physically but often in other ways. and i suspect that many, many more women are abusive in relationships than men admit, because of the stigma attached to doing so.

there is a great mythology around abusive behavior in this country. for two decades we have been subject to pop psychology and hack therapists who eagerly divide people into blameless "victims" and evil "abusers" without looking at the dynamics operating between them. people are more complex than that. there are some behaviors that simply should not be tolerated, and they should not be tolerated from men OR women.

i don't expect or even want you to answer, but i have to wonder from your moniker if you are in the business of recovering repressed or dissociated "memories" of abuse at the hands of multiple men. it is my experience that women in that type of bogus therapy are among the most likely to be mired in these overly simplistic views of male and female relationships--to see male monsters where they may not exist, and to excuse horrific behavior if the actor is female. it is a shame that disciplines that had as their starting point the empowerment of women have instead led us back in so many cases to a knee-jerk view of women as perpetual victims in constant need of protection from evil, abusive men.

[Dorian Gray]

107. Nobody is arguing that male abuse is as frequent

as female spousal abuse. But we are talking with one man who has suffered a great deal at the hands of his wife, and your accusations and insinuations are really horrible.

[EFerrari]

40. You know something --

The trouble with the world is that the stupid are cocksure and the intelligent are full of doubt" ~Bertrand Russell

[OPERATIONMINDCRIME]

43. No, The Truth Never Hurts. In This Case, Abuse Hurts, Whether A Man, Woman Or Child.

Each case is tragic within itself, regardless of gender or otherwise.

[survivor999]

50. Depends on the circumstances.

Perceived abuse is not necessarily abuse. If you have a black eyem that IS objective abuse. If your wife splashes water on your face, that is questionable.

[EFerrari]

54. So, why is it your job to invalidate the experience of the OP?

What are you looking to add to this discussion?

[OPERATIONMINDCRIME]

55. That Is NOT Questionable. It IS Abuse.

The abusive situation he is in also goes far deeper than splashes of water.

You have not only condoned abuse against another; you have not only condoned abuse against a fellow DU'er; but you have also completely undermined and dismissed a victim of domestic violence. You are a hypocrite and should be completely ashamed of yourself. Your sentiments are pitiful.

[Matariki]

61. splashes of water, splashes of water, that sounds familiar

didn't some asshole say that on fox news today about waterboarding? i have half this conversation on ignore but i'm wondering if it's a lonely and bored rush limbaugh that's posting LOL.

[OPERATIONMINDCRIME]

64. It's A Sophmorish Rush Limbette LOL

[survivor999]

67. Why are you afraid of strong women?

Rethorical question, of course...

[OPERATIONMINDCRIME]

74. I Love Strong Women, Or Strong People In General For That Matter. Ignoramuses Though?

Not so much. People who condone abuse? Again, not so much. Immature children who post flamebait for kicks while showing no respect for their community and fellow members? Not so much.

This isn't an issue of strong women. It's an issue of being against sheer stupidity.

[ScreamingMeemie]

100. I don't see a strong woman... I see a child, who feels she must kick

and scream and say horrible things (quite like my daughter...when she was 2) in order to get noticed. It is you, little girl, who appears afraid.

[AZBlue]

109. Oh, honey....you have no idea what a strong woman is. NONE.

You are making me laugh out LOUD at that post! That really is funny. So funny that now I'm wondering if you were just kidding. Were you? LMAO!!!!!!

A strong woman would never denigrate another person, especially when that person is in pain. Strength isn't cockiness, self-righteousness or conceit (traits you show in abundance). Strength speaks from the heart and with wisdom, not from stupidity and with condescension.

[OPERATIONMINDCRIME]

110. Hey Az,

:hug:

You totally nailed it.

[survivor999]

112. I can see that you have internalized your role as

docile women in a men-dominated world. If that works for you and your self-esteem...

[OPERATIONMINDCRIME]

115. I'm Not Sure If They Teach This In 6th Grade Or Not, But In Case They Don't,

Women, when it used singularly, is spelled 'woman'.

See? I'm here to help.

[survivor999]

126. But it was used as a plural

Nice to see the classic old male pattern of changing topic when out of arguments.

[Batgirl]

119. so let's see if I've got this right:

You come to a thread to basically insult the OP, speculate contemptuously that he isn't even married much less experiencing abuse, pronounce the topic itself as unworthy of being discussed in GD (while devoting all kinds of time and energy to the unworthiness of it all)...basically to shit all over the thread.

And this is indicative, not of someone acting like an incredible asshole, but rather as evidence of your HIGH SELF ESTEEM?

[Dorian Gray]

122. BWAH!

It's evident that survivor must be having a little fun with us. I don't believe that this level of delusion could possibly exist here.

[AZBlue]

143. I've been called many things in my life, but docile has never ever been one of them

That's funny.

[haele]

128. Strong women control their tempers. Strong women take responsibility for their actions.

Strong women don't blame everyone else for their "little hissy fits" - where they scream and throw things because they don't feel they're getting enough attention.
I've got probably two decades on you dealing with professional people, men and women, and have seen almost as many cases of fucked up women who blame everyone else for their problems and their abusive behavior as I have seen cases of fucked up men.
I've found that if their families can't trust them, their co-workers can't either. Man or woman.

Women leave their families, abandon their children and child support - they set up their little dramas just as much as men do. Women skip through multiple relationships casually looking for the "freedom" of some poor sap that will take care of them and still let them do what they want, exposing the children they drag along in their wake to potentially abusive boyfriends and husbands.
The difference is that women don't usually hit and leave damage to those who they supposedly love - who, of course, by "their lazy-assed, ignorant actions" deserve the abuse, so it doesn't see "as bad" as when a man plays at abusive drama queen.

Me'thinks you're mistaking the stereotype for the reality. Anyone, man or woman, who thinks it's okay to throw a temper tantrum and not take responsibility for the fallout is nothing more than an emotional child in an adult's body.

The O.P.'s story is not unusual. And certainly, not to be mocked. I've seen what happens to the kids of these women; it's too often just as horrific as if they were living with a drunken, abusive father.

Haele

[JNelson6563]

156. I am a strong woman

and I fear no one. I also do not agree with behavior that is abusive for any reason.

I guess I am secure enough in the knowledge that I am a strong woman and I don't feel I have to put that fact in anyone's face by pushing them around physically. Perhaps as you mature you will also gain similar confidence.

Julie

[Missy Vixen]

127. Abuse is abuse

>If your wife splashes water on your face, that is questionable.<

You might want to educate yourself on the signs of domestic abuse before posting further on this thread.

www.edvp.org

Julie

[EFerrari]

36. Which is no comfort at all to that man. n/t

[OPERATIONMINDCRIME]

42. And Yet That One Abused Man Is Every Bit As Important.

1000 women or not, each woman is simply one woman. Each woman only feels her abuse individually, as does he. 1000 women, 100000 women, a million women, matters not. Each person is an individual and each case of abuse is equally important, regardless of gender. Each case is one. One case, one person. How many others fit into a specific category is irrelevant. It is just one person, one case, one circumstance, each time.

I think it's an extremely limited-minded sentiment to think that his case is any less important, due to ratio. Pretty sad mindset there.

[Lydia Leftcoast]

52. So what?

Go start your own thread about abused women.

This is about an abused man, and yes, they exist, and I've known a couple of them.

[Viva_La_Revolution]

66. 8 actually

why can't we help them all? Why do just the women get help?

I don't care if this guy is real or playing with us, whether he has a wife in RL or not.

These men are out there, and they need to know they are not alone. Maybe one of them is reading this thread.

[survivor999]

68. Fine, if there are so many they can form their own club and support groups

Like women did. No? Why not a DU group for all abused men?

[Name removed]

76. Deleted message

Message removed by moderator. Click here to review the message board rules.

[survivor999]

77. How about posting there then, instead of GD?

... And speaking of abuse. Is this the way you talk to your wife or daughters? I was afraid so. Thanks for demonstrating.

>>
Ummmm, They Have Them Already You Friggin Ignorant Jackass.

[OPERATIONMINDCRIME]

82. Thankfully, My Wife, Nor My Children, Display Such Ignorance Or

support of abuse. I am raising my children to respect others, not be hateful ignorant morons.

[survivor999]

83. How about posting in the appropriate Forum?

if it already exists, as you said?

[OPERATIONMINDCRIME]

89. This Is The Appropriate Forum.

However, it is not the appropriate website for such displays of ignorance and contempt for fellow human beings.

I'm glad you're so young. It means you have plenty of time to learn the so many things you are in dire need of learning. If you had been older, I'd have worried that you were hopeless. But we were all young, naive and ignorant once, so you have hope. Good luck to ya on your future growth and understanding.

[Name removed]

93. Deleted message

Message removed by moderator. Click here to review the message board rules.

[OPERATIONMINDCRIME]

94. .

:rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl:

[Viva_La_Revolution]

81. You should bring this conversation up with your therapist next week.

You have issues you need to work on, perhaps resulting from an abusive relationship?

I wish you luck.

[ScreamingMeemie]

92. And they are ALL abused, and hurting, people...who need our help

and encouragement...not our comments put in "quotation" marks. Good God, have some common sense.

[AZBlue]

103. You should pay more attention to your own sig line:

"The trouble with the world is that the stupid are cocksure..." From what I've seen of you, yes, I'd have to agree with that.

Your posts are disgusting. I feel sorry for you - you have some serious wake-up calls ahead in your future.

Good luck with that 'tude. It will get you positively nowhere. Really quickly.

[Name removed]

131. Deleted message

Message removed by moderator. Click here to review the message board rules.

[Bluebear]

136. GOOD for you!

I finally totally stopped communicating with my family as well. Enough is enough. And belated Happy Birthday. :hug:

[Bluebear]

137. "The trouble with the world is that the stupid are cocksure"

As you illustrate.

[The Straight Story]

71. I went through 10 years of very verbal abuse and controlling behavior

And stayed for the kids. Finally I got out, but it cost me in some ways. Didn't see my kids for 8 years, until she had passed away at the age 41 (and I really did not wish her ill, just wanted to free).

My life was such hell I tried to kill myself one night on pain killers, and even when I was ready to come home from the hospital she wanted me to stay in longer because she was happy with all the attention 'she' was getting from it. WTF? And that is only the tip of a huge iceberg.

It would anger her to no end that I would fight with her (verbally), and she would not let my kids or me see my parents hardly at all.

Yeah, I did stand up to her finally. Was hard as her family was behind her mostly (they didn't know all I knew), and my fundie dad pushed me to stay with her as well. I had no where to turn. I met a girl in CA on the internet and got the hell out. Best damned thing I ever did in my life.

[Rockstone]

102. Thanks

I can relate to that. I won't have a story like that. I am going to take action now. I am aware enough now. I was kind of deny or running away from it until I saw that show tonight and got peoples feedback.

[GoddessOfGuinness]

84. You need to get help for yourself...

Please don't give up on it. There was a time when abused women could not find help either; but that changed. And it's changing for men too. I'm sorry for the flak that you will undoubtedly encounter. It takes a brave man to acknowledge that they are being abused by their spouse.

First, I think you should get yourself and your kids out of there. Don't allow your masculine pride to stand in the way of making a better life for yourself and your children. If you need a restraining order, get one.

Find a counselor who will respect your situation. Find a support group....they're out there. :hug:

[Rockstone]

105. How can I get the kids out?

she's their mother.

[ScreamingMeemie]

106. "She's their mother..." That's the one thing I wish my father HADN'T

thought about when he made the decision to stay in a relationship that did nothing to foster my sense of self as a child. Trust me, you are doing your children no favors by continuing on with this.

[GoddessOfGuinness]

116. She's abusive.

Do you want to leave your kids with an abuser? Talk with a counselor. Talk with a lawyer.

[SeattleGirl]

88. Abuse is NOT okay, whether it is against man, woman, or child.

And Rockstone, I KNOW men get abused, and I also know that it is sometimes even more difficult (thought not always) for them to reach out than it is for women and children, and God knows it's hard enough for them. In this society, it is assumed that the abuser is ALWAYS a man, and the victim ALWAYS a woman or a child. However, there are cases where women and children (usually teens) are abusive toward men.

I did not read all the posts in your thread, so if I am repeating something others have said, sorry. Try finding a counselor or thereapist who deals with abuse, specifically abused men. It may be difficult to tell which professionals in your area do that, here are some links you can check out:

http://www.themenscenter.com/National/national01.htm

http://members.tripod.com/debi_1111-ivil/id84.html

http://www.witnessjustice.org/violence/menanddv.cfm

I hope these help, and I hope you can someday find the strength to leave this relationship. It's hard, I know, but it can be done. All the best to you, Rockstone.

[survivor999]

96. God knows?

Pfeeeww. I thought HE might have missed it. :)

[AZBlue]

95. She sounds like she's depressed and/or has a mood disorder.

Depression isn't someone moping around or acting sad (depressed, with a little d). It's a misleading name - its symptoms show up in relationships with others and how you feel about yourself. I'm not a psychologist so I can only talk in general terms, but she definitely needs some help.

As for breaking up your family, I come from a similar situation - my parents fought horribly and there were games played and blame laid constantly. It isn't quite the same situation as yours but it's similar enough for me to want to give you this advice: you'll be doing your children such a huge favor if you end this situation. They know exactly what's going on and, as children, they are processing it in ways you wouldn't ever imagine - they may blame themselves, they may look at this as a "good relationship" and try to emulate it - there's so many different ways they can look at this and so many different ways this will follow them their entire lives. I'm talking from personal experience. Don't feel guilty for "breaking up" your family - you'll be doing everyone a big favor.

[Rockstone]

114. I know she's sick

that's why it's not a "walk out and don't look back situation." Thats the "save her" part, and if she has treatment for the anger it would change a lot of things. She might be able to function and grow as a person.

I'll not make any finalistic decisions and just take the proper course of action towards treatment and see what happens. No reason to panic.

[GoddessOfGuinness]

117. "Walk out" doesn't necessarily mean "don't look back"...

You need to think of your children and self-preservation. You will not be able to help her as long as you enable her behavior by staying. It will only get worse. Please...Take care of yourself and your kids before something really horrible happens.

[haele]

129. In my observation, depression is like an addiction...

I'm living with two bi-polars - one adult(husband) and one teenager(his daughter, who was raised by her mother, also recently diagnosed bipolar).
Husband found out a long time ago he needed help - and medication after a series of disastrous situations. One of the hardest things he had to learn was that he had to take responsibility for his actions, take his meds, go to his doctors regularly, and want to not just give up and be bi-polar. He's described it as "addicting" - when in a manic stage, the bipolar can do "anything" or seem to. In the depressed stage, it's "never my fault" - blame can always shifted.

The teen doesn't have a handle on it yet; she's still emotionally a four-year-old, in her constant fighting or running away from the slightest resistance in her life. She's sweet as pie so long as you humor her...but still throws destructive, hurtful temper tantrum at the tiniest indication that she's not in charge.
She doesn't really want to be saved - she wants to be in charge and have everything perfect right when she wants it. She wants other people to pick up after her, because she's "just too busy" to finish things up or clean up after herself. It's hell just getting her to her doctors or to get her to take the medicine that does make at least a little bit of difference with her.
And she hates anything that doesn't meet her expectations. "She'll show you!" - because you don't give into her desires, she just won't <fitb (finish homework, pick her clothes or food packages off the floor, eat a healthy meal that isn't exactly what she wanted)> because it doesn't matter if she does it or not.
If she doesn't get a grip on herself, she'll end up just like your wife.

I don't think your wife wants to be saved. If she had, she'd be looking at therapy and looking into ways of handling her depression and anger issues. She has to admit she's got a problem before she can work on it.

It's best you do what others above have advised - find a support group and see if anyone there has a good legal contact - start documenting everything - if you had a court-order session previously, perhaps talk to the kid's school counselor for their input - kids in situations like this can show signs at school and they may have discussed it.

If she's been abusing the children as she has you - even if it's "just psychological" and not physical, they can't remain in her custody if you separate. And if what you indicate is true, it's best you do that.

Good luck... my husband went through that 12 years ago with his ex; he'd been screwed and abused (mostly lies and mind games) by her so badly that he never thought he'd trust a woman enough to consider marriage again. But, 5 years ago - after his own therapy and building self-confidence, he met me and eventually we got married; so the hurt can fade enough and you can resume a fairly normal life.
Sometimes you just have to cut the line so the sinking ship won't drag you and your children down with it.

Haele

[shance]

104. Absolutely abuse can happen to men by women.

I'm sorry to hear this has happened to you.

Although it is much more prevalent with men abusing women, physical and emotional abuse can certainly be inflicted on men/male spouses.

It's a demoralizing, lonely place to be, and I would imagine a more isolated position because men aren't 'supposed' to be abused.

I'm glad you posted. I hope you have supportive friends that validate, support you and encourage you to get whatever help you may need to remove yourself from further incidents.

It sounds as though you realize you don't deserve such treatment and will take action to protect yourself from further abuse.

I hope so.

Take care.

[helderheid]

111. I'm so sorry to hear this - and I will tell you what I would tell an abused woman

GET OUT. I know it's never so black and white when you're in it... but for outside observers, it is. And if you get out, someday you can count yourself as one in that category.

[Missy Vixen]

125. Rockstone, I don't know what area of the country you are in

but we have a marvelous organization in the Pacific Northwest that truly helps:

http://www.edvp.org

I know that they will put you in contact with an organization in your community that will do their best to help.

Take care of you. This is not your fault. You don't deserve this.

Please call them at your earliest convenience.
Julie

[The Brethren]

130. Have you checked with your local

"Women's Resource Ctr" or something similar for help? I worked with one awhile back for sev. yrs as a Rape Crisis Counselor and a board member. During that time the center grew tremendously and one of the areas we wanted to include was offering help to male victims. Some for the issue of sexual assault, but also for those dealing with domestic abuse toward men. I don't know where you live, but there may be a similar organization near you that can help. And if not, they may be able to find someone who can.

As for the show, it was awful to watch her go through the abuse and was very glad she has made changes in her life. Watching it didn't make me think of "sweeping indictments" toward men. Abuse is abuse regardless what your gender is. However, speaking of men, the majority of abusers in domestic cases are males. So one thing I hope that came from this show is that many of these men watching learned from it and hopefully will stop the violence....and will get the help they need to deal with their behaviors along with female abusers.

[EFerrari]

132. Before I turn in, has your wife ever been tested?

My husband kept frustrating his therapists until I figured out that no one ever TESTED him. They just assumed his problem was coke and addiction.

Turns out he had a menu of treatable issues. It took a lot of work, but he no longer has any issues with violence at all. He's learned a lot of tools to predict his reactions and how to sit them out. He's on meds that are pretty remarkable in the support they offer him.

But, we had to go through three therapists before we figured where square one was -- the testing.

[Rockstone]

138. Not to my knowledge

I tried to reach out to her parents for support.

Back when she was exhibiting some OCD behavior, her mother had suggested medication. But when I talked to them, the mother insisted that there was nothing wrong with her daughter and that it was all my fault. She said I was self centered. I said, how, for example? She said because you didn't carry my luggage in when I came to your house. The mother also denied ever having suggesting any medication.

I described a time she freaked out in front of all of us. She had thrown a tantrum over something I said and went upstairs when we were trying to have dinner. The mother said to the father to handle it and he said "I put up with that for 16 years and I'm not about to start putting up with it again". Then they couldn't really deny it any more. So he knew what I was referring to. Makes me think she learned the denial from her mother. She told me her mother's father wanted a boy but got a girl and used to tell her "you're ugly" all the time growing up.

I don't know if they know more that they are just not saying or what. The mother says she's never had a problem in her life, but it seems we all know that's not true.

[barb162]

149. Sounds like your mother-in-law always knew there was a problem

and refused to get her daughter help when it would have been a lot easier. But then again, when mommy has to take her kid in to see a shrink, it usually means the mommy or both parents are rotten parents. It's easier to be in denial for some people

[Jamastiene]

139. While abuse can and does happen to men as well, more often

women are the abusees and men are the abusers. That being said, no one should be abused. I would highly suggest you contact as many domestic violence agencies as necessary and ask them for help. If you think no one will believe you, call anonymously. This point is that you keep trying to get help. It's different for men. Men are sometimes the ones being abused. Don't think you will be laughed at by all of the agencies that help domestic violence victims. All of them won't. I don't think many will, personally. I used to get counseling at one here in town. And my attitude at first was as you suggested about most people. They corrected me with facts. Now I know better. So I know there are some who will help men.

One thing to remember is that the mental abuse is actually harder to heal than the physical abuse a lot of the time.

I hope you get help. I hate to see anyone abused, but I will say that man on 20/20 was a total dick and deserved the sentence he got.

[AtomicKitten]

152. It's up to you to change your circumstance.

You're entitled to a peaceful existence and to be respected and cared for. I hope you seek out resources to assist you in making the transition. You'll wonder why you waited to long. Best of luck.

[Dirty Hippie]

155. I stayed with an abusive husband to keep my family together

It was my intention to leave after my youngest child reached adulthood. I had gone through a horrific divorce as a child and vowed never to put my children through the same thing.

Then one day an abuse counselor who contacted me after my husband was arrested, gently pointed out to me that my son was learning my husband's behavior; there was a very good chance he would grow up and abuse as well.

I remember telling her that a divorce would not get my husband out of the lives of my children, that he would still be there and I would have no control and not be able to protect them.

Then she said something profound, she explained to me that separated from my husband, I could set a positive example for my children. The they would have a choice between the functional and dysfunctional. If I stayed, they would have no choice.

I left, got counseling, my children suffered through a horrific divorce and I began to live my life according to my own principles.

They are grown now, my son respects women and my daughter is a feisty young lady who stands up for herself.

My ex, married again and continued to live his dysfunctional life.

My kids had to spend time with him and it nearly killed me every time they went over to that alcoholic mess of a house.

But they are fine.

I doubt that would be so if I have stayed.

Not preaching here, just tellin' my story.

PM me if you like.