Reply #129: In my observation, depression is like an addiction... [View All]

[haele]

I'm living with two bi-polars - one adult(husband) and one teenager(his daughter, who was raised by her mother, also recently diagnosed bipolar).
Husband found out a long time ago he needed help - and medication after a series of disastrous situations. One of the hardest things he had to learn was that he had to take responsibility for his actions, take his meds, go to his doctors regularly, and want to not just give up and be bi-polar. He's described it as "addicting" - when in a manic stage, the bipolar can do "anything" or seem to. In the depressed stage, it's "never my fault" - blame can always shifted.

The teen doesn't have a handle on it yet; she's still emotionally a four-year-old, in her constant fighting or running away from the slightest resistance in her life. She's sweet as pie so long as you humor her...but still throws destructive, hurtful temper tantrum at the tiniest indication that she's not in charge.
She doesn't really want to be saved - she wants to be in charge and have everything perfect right when she wants it. She wants other people to pick up after her, because she's "just too busy" to finish things up or clean up after herself. It's hell just getting her to her doctors or to get her to take the medicine that does make at least a little bit of difference with her.
And she hates anything that doesn't meet her expectations. "She'll show you!" - because you don't give into her desires, she just won't <fitb (finish homework, pick her clothes or food packages off the floor, eat a healthy meal that isn't exactly what she wanted)> because it doesn't matter if she does it or not.
If she doesn't get a grip on herself, she'll end up just like your wife.

I don't think your wife wants to be saved. If she had, she'd be looking at therapy and looking into ways of handling her depression and anger issues. She has to admit she's got a problem before she can work on it.

It's best you do what others above have advised - find a support group and see if anyone there has a good legal contact - start documenting everything - if you had a court-order session previously, perhaps talk to the kid's school counselor for their input - kids in situations like this can show signs at school and they may have discussed it.

If she's been abusing the children as she has you - even if it's "just psychological" and not physical, they can't remain in her custody if you separate. And if what you indicate is true, it's best you do that.

Good luck... my husband went through that 12 years ago with his ex; he'd been screwed and abused (mostly lies and mind games) by her so badly that he never thought he'd trust a woman enough to consider marriage again. But, 5 years ago - after his own therapy and building self-confidence, he met me and eventually we got married; so the hurt can fade enough and you can resume a fairly normal life.
Sometimes you just have to cut the line so the sinking ship won't drag you and your children down with it.

Haele