February 6, 2024

90 year old man goes for a physical.

A 90-year-old man goes for a physical and all of his tests come back normal…

The doctor says, “Larry, everything looks great. How are you doing mentally and emotionally? Are you at peace with God?”

Larry replies, “God and I are tight. He knows I have poor eyesight, so He’s fixed it so when I get up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom, poof! The light goes on. When I’m done, poof! The light goes off.”

“Wow, that’s incredible,” the doctor says.

A little later in the day, the doctor calls Larry’s wife.

“Bonnie,” he says, “Larry is doing fine! But I had to call you because I’m in awe of his relationship with God. Is it true that he gets up during the night, and poof, the light goes on in the bathroom, and when he’s done, poof, the light goes off?”

“Oh sweet Jesus”, exclaims Bonnie. “He’s peeing in the refrigerator again!”

April 24, 2023

If a man says he will fix it,

he will.

No need to keep reminding him every six months!

March 25, 2023

A trucker came into a truck stop cafe

and placed his order. he said, "i want three flat tires, a pair of headlights and a pair of running boards. The brand new waitress, not wanting to appear stupid, went to the kitchen and said to the cook, "this guy out there just ordered three flat tires, a pair of headlights and a pair of running boards. What does he think this place is, an auto parts store? No," the cook said, "three flat tires mean three pancakes, a pair of headlights is two eggs sunny side up, and running boards are 2 slices of crisp bacon. 0h, ok!" said the waitress she thought about it for a moment and then spooned up a bowl of beans and gave it to the customer. The trucker asked, "what are the beans for? She replied, "I thought while you were waiting for the flat tires, headlights and running boards, you might as well gas up!".

February 25, 2023

A Priest, A Rabbi and a Minister Go Fishing

A priest, a rabbi and a minister go fishing on a rare day off. They row their boat out a ways from shore and put down an anchor. The boat moves just a little bit here and there. They are enjoying being "away" from their jobs, the fishing is very relaxing, and they exchange funny stories about their lives.

The priest says: "Well, I have to go and use nature's rest room." He steps out of the boat, and walks on top of the water to shore, does his thing and walks on top of the water back to the boat and gets back in.

The rabbi is astonished but says nothing. A while later, the minister says: "Well, I guess it's my turn now." He gets out of the boat, walks on the water to shore, and does his thing and returns to the boat by walking on the water and gets back in the boat.

The rabbi is again amazed, saying nothing. When it comes time for the rabbi to "do his thing", he tells himself that if they can do it so can he. So he steps out of the boat, and plunges deep into the water. The priest and the minister help him back into the boat. They look at each other, and the minister says: "Shall we show him where the rocks are?"

February 14, 2023

The Old Man and the Corvette

A senior citizen drove his brand new Corvette convertible out of the dealership. Taking off down the road, he floored it to 80 mph, enjoying the wind blowing through what little gray hair he had left. "Amazing," he thought as he flew down I-94, pushing the pedal even more. Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw a state trooper behind him, lights flashing and siren blaring. He floored it to 100 mph, then 110, then 120. Suddenly he thought, "What am I doing? I'm too old for this," and pulled over to await the trooper's arrival. Pulling in behind him, the trooper walked up to the Corvette, looked at his watch, and said, "Sir, my shift ends in 30 minutes. Today is Friday. If you can give me a reason for speeding that I've never heard before, I'll let you go."

The old gentleman paused. Then he said, "Years ago, my wife ran off with a State trooper. I thought you were bringing her back."

"Have a good day, sir," replied the trooper.

December 8, 2022

Fifty dollars is fifty dollars!

Fifty dollars is fifty dollars!

Morris and his wife Esther went to the state fair every year and every year Morris would say," Esther, I'd like a ride in that helicopter". Esther replied,"I know Morris but that helicopter ride is $50, and $50 is $50.

One year Esther and Morris went to the fair and Morris said," Esther, I'm 85 years old. If I don't ride that helicopter, I might never get another chance!" To this Esther replied,"Morris that ride s $50, and $50 is $50!

The pilot overheard the couple and said, "Folks I'll make you a deal. I'll take both of you for a ride. If you can stay quiet the entire ride and not say a word, i'll not charge you! But, if you say one word it's $50.

Morris and Esther agreed, and up they went. The pilot did all sorts of fancy maneuvers, but not a word was heard. He did his daredevil tricks over and over again, but still not a word.

When they landed the pilot turned to Morris and said,"By golly, I did everything I could to get you to yell out, but you didn't! I'm impressed!"

Morris said "Well to tell you the truth, I almost said something when Esther fell out, but you know $50 is $50!"

July 6, 2022

Spaghetti

For several years, a man was having an affair with an Italian woman. One

night, she confided in him that she was pregnant. Not wanting to ruin his

reputation or his marriage, he paid her a large sum of money if she would

go to Italy to secretly have the child. If she stayed in Italy to raise the

child, he would also provide child support until the Child turned 18. She

agreed, but asked how he would know when the baby was born. To keep it

discrete, he told her to simply mail him a post card, and write "Spaghetti"

on the back. He would then arrange for the child support payments to begin.

One day, about 9 months later, he came home to his confused wife. "Honey,"

she said, "you received a very strange post card today." "Oh, just give it

to me and I'll explain it later," he said. The wife obeyed and watched as

her husband read the card, turned white, and fainted. On the card was

written: "Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti. Three with

meatballs, two without. Send extra sauce."

June 29, 2022

Husband takes the wife to a disco.

Husband takes the wife to a disco.

There’s a guy on the dance floor giving it large – break dancing, moonwalking, back flips, the works.

The wife turns to her husband and says: "See that guy? 25 years ago he proposed to me and I turned him down."

Husband says: "Looks like he’s still celebrating!!"

April 20, 2022

Old lady gets 3 wishes!

An old lady received 3 wishes...

An old lady sat on her front porch, rocking away the last days of her long life, when all of a sudden, a fairy godmother appeared and informed her that she would be granted three wishes.

Well, now,” said the old lady, ”I guess I would like to be really rich.” POOF Her rocking chair turned into solid gold.

”And, gee, I guess I wouldn’t mind being a young, beautiful princess.” POOF She turned into a beautiful young woman.

”Your third wish?” asked the fairy godmother. Just then the old woman’s cat wandered across the porch in front of them. ”Ooh – can you change him into a handsome prince?” she asked. POOF

And there before her stood a young man more handsome than anyone could have possibly imagined. She stared at him, smitten. With a smile that made her knees weak, he sauntered across the porch and whispered in her ear,

”Bet you’re sorry you had me neutered.”