FirstLight
FirstLight's JournalDamn bear just ripped the screen off and tried to crawl in the window!
I wasn't cooking there's no food out or nothing!
Cat came running down the hallway into my bedroom like she was climbing the walls. I walked down the hallway to see what's going on and he's got his face in the window! He ripped off the screen and was going to try and come inside for lunch!
😂🐻😳
I yelled at him and hit him with the fan that was in the window. thank God the fan was blocking him from getting in.
I guess it's almost fall, looks like they're getting more desperate for food. Bastards. Junior's going to have to find another place to find his dinner!
Stepping out into my power today! Going to host 'office hours' and try to bring in some clients!!
Going to put myself out there into the world and stir the pot. Got an office space, so why not use it? Instead of 'waiting' for appointments to happen out of the blue, I am going to be holding hours today in the space. Bringing my new crystal singing bowls and all my tuning forks, drum, etc... 
I even created an event on FB etc to try and get the word out.
It's all about intention, right?
Trying hard not to fall into the death spiral of worry and angst of looking at bills vs. the bank acct. So I figured that some positive action might be called for. It's always easier to say it than to DO it... so I have to be willing to step into this new life I am creating and OWN it.
Send me good juju!
...got extra spicy chai this morning to give me a boost!! 
What are some of your telltale signs that it's gonna be a bad winter...? Do they even matter anymore...?
I noticed the squirrels dropping the green pinecones in the yard last week... a full month earlier than usual. Saw the geese doing formation flying this morning, they usually practice for the big long haul migration...
Looks like we could be in for a doozy. We got a hum-dinger of a winter about 2 years ago, almost knocked the whole awning off the front of the house, we were buried under more than 30'..!! The final count for Tahoe for the season was something crazy like over 100'. Broke all the records since they started measuring.
Then last year, it was more like the 'global warming' winter...rain at Lake Level, snow in the higher elevations. (I don't mind, no shoveling!)
Do you guys have any benchmarks you watch for in the fall to try and suss out the upcoming winter? Or has Climate change made it impossible to predict? How much do you pay attention to the Farmer's Almanac...and have they been on point the past few years?
Still clawing my way back from the brink.... ugh
You know, I gotta say that as I get older, or whatever it is, it's harder to bounce back than it was even 5 years ago.
But that medicine mixup also fucked me up in more ways than one...
Cymbalta also really affects the gut-brain biome connection since most of the serotonin is actually in the stomach. (wow!) so my guts have been in knots ofr days, and I've been eating a VERY gentle rice etc diet...
Feeling like I have some of my brain back today. Not as much fog or dizzyness. I actually took care f some adulting phone calls!
But my back already hurts and joints are not happy... and I gotta go to the damn store. So I am trying to take it slow, and give myself time and grace to be an old lady about it. LOL
Gonna use the little zoom-zoom this time. Fuck walking.
Anyway, happy Friday...can't believe I lost a whole week with this bullshit. 
Still waiting on a callback from a lawyer...
Update - on the mend, still not nearly up to snuff
Hey everyone... I survived the night! (and I still have my snarky sense of humor intact lol)
Slept pretty straight thru from getting hom from the ER at 8 and morning... woke up a couple times hungry but couldn't even think about making anything at 2am. Got up this morning and was SO relieved to be able to stay vertical and have a cup of chai. I even took a shower! yay, dizziness handled.
Had to EAT... had only managed one meal on monday and tuesday (if you could call it that, half a sandwich / scrambled egg & rice) so I made the journey to the nearby brekky place and got some takeout. By the time I got home I was WIPED.
Scarfed some food and laid down and zonked out for about 3 hours.
My guts are still hurting... apparently SSRI's directly affect the gut-brain balance so that's why I have felt like someone was wringing my innards for days. I'm probably gonna have a very mellow lunch/dinner rice veg and egg.
I was at least abe to get up and get the kitchen started - hadn't been in there much since sunday. Dishwasher's running.
HERE'S my lingering/nagging thoughts:
* Pharmacy's replacement bottles had the original date on the label (7/14) not yesterday... 7/22 Now while you can say that's for insurance... it's more likely they don't wanna re-bill insurance and have to explain the error! NO BUENO
*MY Dr made a follow up appt tis morning to re-check me. Though they can't get me in till 8/7 - When I go, we are going over ALL my meds, prescribed by ALL dr's and eliminating the ones that I am not taking regularly, and we're gonna discuss LOWERING my dose of the Cymbalta. I am DONE being tied to these pills... I will be careful, but I don't like the side effects and the danger of OD/Withdrawals. We're gonna talk about that!
*Made an inquiry with a lawyer in Sacramento. Looks like to have any case, i have to prove "suffering" (duh!) and loss of livlihood/work hours/etc... well, I was supposed to have a meeting with my Business mentor friday I had to cancel. I am also in the process of launching my Sound Therapy biz since I secured office space - every moment I miss marketing, I lose money. AND I was supposed to take care of some details like starting a Biz Bank Acct and liability insurance payment, which I missed because of this mess. ...so that's something i think?
All in all, I guess I am having to fight my way outta the bushes on this. It's not like I am going to be awesome after a week of this mess. I'm taking it slow and allowing for rest and recuperation.
Thank you ALL my DU Family... I can't even express how much you guys mean to me. Even your sweet well wishes have soothed me! ox I'm always floored by how much thhis group of people care for one another!!!
I'm going to the ER... update....
Sorry if it's not the right forum or place. I called a friend at work and she's coming over here to get me cuz I can't drive and I too scared to call the ambulance and go by myself
https://www.democraticunderground.com/10182203313
Doctor called the pharmacy and my regular practitioner and they all decided that I should be okay they monitored my blood pressure in my heart rate for about an hour and he told me that I was probably anxious because of the lack of anxiety and depression medicine and that he wanted to put my mind at ease and let me know that he didn't think I was going to have a heart attack
Mystery solved! A pharmacy gave me the wrong meds I've been taking the wrong meds for a week!
They put blood pressure medicine in the bottle for my antidepressant so I've been taking double the blood pressure meds, and no antidepressants for a week! No wonder I've been feeling so bad and it's been getting worse everyday!!! 😭😭😭
I'm so fucking pissed I'm going to sue someone I swear to God!
Pharmacist is currently calling my doctor to find out what they're going to do and I told them I cannot drive to pick up another prescription so they better figure out a way to fucking help me
Have you ever seen a person in a wheelchair working the retail floor?
No...right? like, that's why we have disability etc...so that doesn't need to be a thing for people already struggling to just live in their bodies!
last night I had dreams of exactly that.
That I couldn't make it to my 'new job' on time because my leg wouldn't srtaigten out and work so I coudl drive the car... and when I got there late, they didn't put me on the register (lines of massive people everywhere, chaos and trashed store.) They gave me an admin job doing codes of some sort on the computer... but it was literally in the CENTER of all the lines and people, like I was on display for everyone to heckle etc... the desk was dirty, the notes my mg gave me were impossible to read, and the computer had issues that everyone could see.
It wasn't just embarassing, it was degrading and shameful and feelings of inadeuacy on tope of the inability to run from the situaton because I was confined to a chair...
Talk about deep fears.
the past 2 days or more have been flare central, and it's scary and deep and hhumiliating. I'm trying to start a holistic healing business and here MY body is, being a bitch. been waking up in puddles of sweat... not hormonal. when I look it up as autoimmune symptome I see bad words...like Lupus. or MS
I'm scared and alone and I don't like it.
https://www.democraticunderground.com/11477576
I think I am developing additional autoimmune issues and it's not fun
I've had psoriatic arthritis for years and I'm supposedly in remission but my body has decided to rebel yet again. I think I've had inflammatory bowel issues probably for years as well but I wasn't paying attention because I was too busy drinking which probably made things worse and now I'm heading into 2 years of being sober and I think my body and my age just caught up with me.
I'd actually been moving away from eating meat and eating more a fake meat products and chicken. And last night I had a frozen hamburger patty and my gut is in knots! Even 24 hours later, and I don't even think it has to do with 💩, it just feels like somebody is scraping the inside of my intestines with a comb or something it hurts. I'm also feeling pretty lethargic today like I just don't have the oomph to do anything but it's hard to have when you're hurting too.
Years ago they tested me for celiac and it came back negative but I bet you that might have turned on me too.
My kid just got diagnosed / tested positive for a very rare periodontal EDS as well so now I've been referred to the geneticist to have that done.
I'm just tired of feeling sick and tired right now 🥺
I just put some rice in the cooker and I'm going to make a scrambled egg and eat that with it. I was going to go out and have lunch earlier to celebrate my dad's birthday and now I just feel like shit 😢😭
July 21, 1933 ... today would have been my father's 92nd Bday
He passed in 2023, literally a year to the day -12 hours from my Mom. They were married 60 years and he was lost without her...
He was a complicated guy. A late born child of his family, his mother was not pleased and there were a lot of family traumas that he brought to bear... The anger he often had were so much emotional disregulation, and it was also the expressions of his own father's nature. I carried a lot of that through as a parent, often blowng up on my kids for just being overwhelming.
I get it now... spent the entire weekend doing some deep self healing and reconciling our family dramas so that I can heal my relationship with my kids and help them in their lives hopefully... I always felt like a 'fuckup' because I couldn't seem to get a career, house, etc in order. I have been borderline poor my whole life, and felt like that was a failure in his eyes somehow.
~ ~ ~
He had a great sense of humor, and I got that from him. Also we had a running joke in the family that he'd 'talk to a signpost of it would talk back" - I got that too. The ability to strike up a conversation with people in line, waitresses, cashiers etc... just to tell a joke and brighten their day. I love that he made me so gregarious. (mom called it the 'gift of gab')
He was also a self taught man on many levels... from the ukulele to physics, he had a thirst to build and UNDERSTAND things. I have that same curiosity of life...
When I was younger, we had property in the wilderness of the No Cal redwoods. I would often tag along when he went to go work on the water pump, playing in the creek nearby and helping when needed, learning about how things worked. We hiked that whole 40 acres of crazy terrain...found three of the four aerial markers of the survey plots. He taught me how to read a map and use a compass.
Once, when we were trying to get home on one of those hikes, I remember thinking we were hopelessly lost and sitting down on a log and crying my lament.. He told me to knock it off, plopped the map in front of me and asked "Where's North, find NORTH ?!!?!!" in his gruff tone.
It might have seemed a harsh way to respond to a 10 year old's tears, but he taught me a valuable lesson... suck it up and figure it out. WHERE are you NOW? where do you want to go?
I think that lesson, no matter how rough it might have seemed to my wounded inner child - taught me the resiliance I have needed to get through my darkest times. I was able to suck it up, figure out my plot point, and map my way back to the trail of my Life.
~ ~ ~
Today, I am going out for lunch "with" Dad, getting his favorite, fish & chips. I didn't get to do this last year, as my ex was still in the picture and was an intruder into an intimate grief ritual. I'm bringing my favorite pic of him in the frame and sitting him at the table. I'm bringing a birthday candle and having dessert. (his frugal nature is spinnin in the grave at the $$ LOL) Bringing my journal and processing anything that comes to me, poetry, lyrics, etc...
I got my business license on his Bday 2 years ago... Today, I am finally opening a business BANK ACCT... hoping that his money magic and abilities rub off on my own success!!
~ ~ ~
William Howard Marsh 1933-2023
May he have a great time hanging with all his old buddies and mom in that big afterParty of LIFE!
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Profile Information
Gender: FemaleHometown: CA
Home country: usa
Current location: sierras
Member since: Wed Jan 23, 2008, 04:23 AM
Number of posts: 15,568