Reply #7: The Truth About Soylent Green [View All]

[jmowreader]

In 2004, pResident George W. Bush signed the "Know What You're Eating Act" which allows producers to use alternate ingredients when making food ingredients, so long as the alternate ingredients are generally accepted as containing constituents substantially similar to the ingredients they are generally replacing.

If that sentence made no sense to you, neither will the Know What You're Eating Act.

Soylent Green has long been labeled as containing "natural complete protein concentrates." While the Soylent Corporation has long suggested that Soylent Green contains plankton and kelp, the Soylent Green ingredients list, which is printed on every package of Soylent Green (note: Soylent Green is always sold in bulk; page 742 of the 1548-page Know What You're Eating Act specifically allows food producers to sell bulk commodities without disclosing the ingredients contained therein; page 965 says the product described in the advertising need not resemble the product sold to the public in any way, shape or form which explains how they've been grinding up rats, pressing them into patties, calling the resulting product "chicken burgers" and getting away with it), clearly states that Soylent Green is made from "natural complete protein concentrates" and "natural plant-based green food coloring."

It is accepted throughout the food-production world that people are naturally high in protein. It is further accepted that people are much higher in protein than are either plankton or kelp, neither of which exists anymore since George W. Bush, upon taking office in 2001, repealed all environmental legislation because he didn't personally need either plankton or kelp so he didn't see any reason why they, as species he couldn't make any money by selling, needed to exist. Therefore, Soylent Green is made out of people, and only out of people.

We have also found that certain of the people who comprise Soylent Green are addicted to various drugs, and may have actually died from taking overdoses of these drugs. That's no problem at all: we sell the Soylent Green made from these people as "special happy Soylent Green." There is an upcharge for Special Happy Soylent Green, but it is by far our largest seller.

You're probably wondering about the natural plant-based green food coloring. We have learned, through a combination of dedicated experimentation and utter carelessness, that if you let a batch of natural complete protein concentrates sit for a couple weeks before it is processed into wafers, it turns green all by itself. Therefore, after processing the people into natural complete protein concentrates, we let it sit out behind the building until it turns a nice bright emerald green. Then we process it into final form and sell it to people who really don't give a shit what's in it so long as it kinda looks like it might be food.

In summation: Soylent Green is moldy people, and it's all Bush's fault.