Women in relationships: What are the gender roles?

[Modem Butterfly]

I started to direct this toward women in mixed-gender relationships, and then I realized that women in same-sex relationships can also fall into gender roles.

My (male) partner and I have been in our relationship for 10 years. We think of ourselves as fairly enlightened. But I've noticed that there are many very subtle ways that our relationship has reverted into classic gender roles. For instance, I do all the cooking, the dishes, and the laundry. He takes out the trash, kills the bugs (except for the spiders!) and does all of the heavy lifting. The biggest exception is that I handle all of the finances and all of the auto maintenance, but this is mostly because he was an IT consultant for nearly seven years and was traveling 90% of the time.

Now, some of our gender roles are natural; I really like to cook, for instance, and he's a foot taller than I am and much stronger. But you know, I really hate doing dishes. I wonder sometimes if I've allowed myself to get type-cast into a role as homemaker by virtue of a XX chromosome. My partner and I have talked about it rather extensively, actually, and we've switched some tasks (he cleans the bathrooms, for instance, and I scoop the dog poop). I'm curious to know how others in relationships have navigated the gender role thing.

[Senior citizen]

1. Patriarchy likes to conflate gender roles and sex roles.

You are correct that both gays and lesbians can fall into gender roles--in fact sometimes they are more adamant about preserving gender roles than straights. But often this is because they are also conflating gender and sex roles. I'll never forget one exchange many years ago when a lesbian told me that "When two women have sex, it helps if one of them is a woman." My response, of course, was that when two women had sex, I'd think it would help if both were women.

But again we're confusing gender and sex. In my opinion the division of labor should always be negotiable. I don't think that the physical attraction between two people should dictate which one does the dishes. Many a hippy commune foundered over who would do the dishes--the best solution I've seen was that everyone does their own and the pots and pans get divided evenly, or else people take turns.

I doubt if much about gender roles is natural. In some countries females do all the heavy labor, and some excellent chefs are male. I do think that individuals are individuals and should have the freedom to fulfil their potential without regard to sex. As for relationships, well, if you can negotiate, you've got one of the better ones. The problems are in relationships where things are not negotiable--those usually fail or end in violence.

[Hello_Kitty]

3. Patriarchy has designed to world to the specs of males

Upper body strength is a secondary sex characteristic that men have and that is used to keep women out of certain occupations and dependent on males for many tasks in the home. I work as an equipment technician and am constantly frustrated by machinery that was clearly designed by engineers who assumed that no one but young, athletic males would ever work on it. And it's not necessary. There does appear to be some improvement though as ergonomics plays a bigger role in industry. When equipment has been redesigned to accomodate women and smaller males, the result is that work is easier for everyone. As for the home, why do bags of stuff have to be so damn big at the home improvement stores? Or if smaller bags are available, they are far more expensive. So you're left with the choice of paying more for smaller bags, risking a back injury by trying to lift the big bag, or asking a man to lift it for you if one is available.

[geniph]

2. My husband and I don't fall into most gender roles

Whether that's because I'm peculiar and stubborn, or whether it's because we're both bisexual and comfortable with a certain amount of fluidity, I don't know. But he cooks, I do the dishes, we both do laundry, he does almost all the grocery shopping, I fix anything electronic including the computers, etc. There's certain places where we fall into the more "traditional" roles simply because it makes physical sense. I'm 5'2" and 115 lbs., he's 6'2", 250 lbs., and immensely strong, so if it requires physical strength or height, he's more likely to do it. On the other hand, if something needs doing in the crawlspace or on the roof, I do it. I'm less squeamish of spiders than he is (he HATES the crawlspace because of the spiders, whereas they don't much bother me). We split the yardwork except for the actual flower garden, which is my problem (we both truly hate yardwork and gardening, but I know more about plants than he does). He does do all the major maintenance and repairs, because he's a professional carpenter - he's a lot better at it than I am. That's why I fix the computers - that's my profession. I do almost all the housecleaning. He's responsible for anything to do with the kids - they're his kids. We each do our own finances - I don't believe in combining finances if you can help it. If you each deal with your own money and your own bills, it makes for far fewer fights over money in a marriage. We each do part of the taxes; I do the regular household taxes and he does the Schedule C part that pertains to his business.

We confuse people, because I look like a delicate little flower and he's this big beefy construction worker - but he also does all the home decorating. I have no taste. He picks out most of my clothes, too, as he's a better dresser than I am. I'm just not good at girly stuff! But I do do the pants-hemming and sewing-on-of-buttons, because I'm slightly better at it (although neither of us can actually sew). We never can get it right when we dance. We both try to lead. ;-)

When he was married to his first wife, they fell into more traditional gender roles, and he hated it. My first husband wanted more traditional gender roles, except for cooking (anyone who likes to eat will not pressure me to cook after they've tasted the results - I'm just not interested in food), but didn't get it. My ex-husband has fallen into VERY traditional roles with his second wife.

[Finder]

4. I could never be traditional

We usually do what we are good at and divy out the rest. Like you, I am a tiny thing and he is tall so of course he gets duties requiring brute strength or height. I do all the plumbing, painting and stuff though.

[geniph]

5. My husband does most of the plumbing

because it's usually him or his gigantic sons that have caused a problem with it! hahahaha!

(I've never clogged a toilet by using it in the normal manner in my LIFE, but they do that all the time. How in the hell do you pass something large enough to clog a toilet, anyway? Doesn't that HURT???)

[Samurai_Writer]

6. LOL... you just reminded me...

of another reason why I'm glad to be single and my sons grown and out of the house. What is it with men and clogging toilets? My sons used to overflow the toilets all the time, and then expect ME to fix it. No way! I would hand them the plunger.

[geniph]

7. My husband used to plunge the toilets for the boys

until I started to give him holy hell about it. If they're old enough to clog 'em, they're old enough to learn to use a plumber's helper!

I have a hard & fast rule about it - I walk into the bathroom and see a toilet with either half an inch of water, or water barely an inch from the top, I walk right back out and scream at whoever used it last. You don't walk out and leave it clogged, this isn't a frigging public rest stop! You can't blame it on someone else!

I will NOT plunge a toilet for someone else. No frigging way.

[Finder]

8. lol, like I have a choice....

if they reflush it overflows. Good points though--I never clogged a toilet but my male householders do at least twice a week.