August 26, 2022

DU EXCLUSIVE: Transcript of alleged "Swatting" call to 911 regarding Marjorie Taylor Greene

[Note: On August 24, 2022, Congresswoman Marjorie Taylor Greene alleged she was the victim of a so-called "Swatting" call to 911. "Swatting" is a tactic where a anonymous emergency call is made alerting police to a fake crisis situation at the victim's residence, resulting in a team of Special Weapons and Tactical--or SWAT--being called to respond to the situation and potentially endangering the victim. In the interests of full public disclosure, local authorities have made the decision to release the following transcript of the full and complete call at issue.]

[Call begins]

Dispatch (D): 911. What’s your emergency?

Caller (C): (in heavily affected deep male voice) Yes, this is Adolph Stalin. I’m the Grand Dragon Wizard and Executive Vice Secretary Treasurer of Antifa, Incorporated. “Allauh Akbar,” that’s our slogan. We love to eat your babies.

D: That’s not really important right now. Do you have an actual emergency to report?

C: Yes, I would like to report that Greene Lady.

D: I’m sorry. You’d like to report…a green lady? I don’t quite understand.

C: Yes! That Greene Lady! You know—Marjorie Taylor Greene? That Congresswoman who loves America and freedom so much and hilariously owning the libs. I’d like to report her.

D: Well, why? What is she doing?

C: Oh, I’m pretty sure she’s praying, and flying her flag, and eating real meat. And as we all know, President Sleepy Joe Biden—who I very much support—has expressly made all those things illegal and punishable by death. So, it’s my God-given duty by law to report her. Even though I actually hate God. Hail Satan!

D: Okay, ma’am…or, err, sir—

C: Hey! Hey! None of that pronoun nonsense there! I’m transgressive!

D: Yes, you most certainly are. Anyways, none of those things are actually illegal, so unless you have an actual emergency to report—

C: Fine, fine! She has guns!

D: So, you’re saying she’s armed?

C: Yes, she’s heavily armed. I heard she has all sorts of AR-15s. Which libtards like me think means “assault rifle,” but actually means “Armalite,” and that one fact alone automatically disqualifies us from ever discussing any sort of gun control. Ha-ha! Owned!

D: Again, that’s not really important. But you do say she has guns.

C: She has guns, and she intends to use them according to the true intended purpose of the 2nd Amendment, which everyone knows is to support the overthrow of a government that they believe has become tyrannical.

D: I copy. So, you say Congresswoman Marjorie Taylor Greene is heavily armed and is seeking to overthrow the government.

C: Yes.

D: Very well. I’ll send someone over—

C: Wait! Wait! Did I say that? I didn’t mean to say that! That would just be silly and wrong.

D: I do believe it would be very wrong, yes.

C: But anyways, she does have guns and you should send the Gazpacho to her house right now.

D: The Gazpacho?

C: Yes, the Gazpacho. You know, the guys with all the guns and clubs and stuff.

D: You want me to send her soup?

C: Oh, you think you’re funny, don’t you? A real regular Catturd, eh?

D: I honestly don’t know who that is.

C: Of course you wouldn’t. Just send the police, okay? She’s doing some really terrible stuff over at her house. A real Peach Tree Dish of illegality.

D: And where are you right now at the moment?

C: I’m at the house next door, 5382 [REDACTED] Street.

D: Okay, I’m looking that up and…well, my records show that 5382 [REDACTED] Street is actually Congresswoman Taylor Greene’s house.

C: Dammit! I’m so terrible at numbers! You have to understand, nobody ever taught me math at school. They were too busy teaching me Critical Race Theory, all so that I could go to college and major in 19th Century Black Gay Women’s Theoretical Historical Contemplative Clay Basket Weaving History Theory. And now you get to pay for my education, sucker! Loser!

D: Thank you. Anything else?

C: Just so the police should know, Congresswoman Taylor Greene is, like, super strong and physically fit. I heard she goes to Crossfit all the time to work out. And when she goes there, all the men at the Crossfit club are like, “Oh, she’s so hot.” And then they’re like, “Yeah, but I heard she’s married.” But then they all say, “Sure, but I heard she’s more than willing to overlook that little fact, wink-wink”—

D: All right, that’s enough. Anything else I should know?

C: Do you want to hear about the Rothschild Family’s nefarious plan to launch lasers into space in order to ignite forest fires around the globe?

D: Not really, no.

C: Then no.

D: Okay, and just for the record, what is your address again, so that police can get a statement from you?

C: It’s 5382 [REDACTED] Street.

D: Very good. I’ll send the police over there right away.

C: No, wait, shit—

[Line disconnects]

August 15, 2022

BREAKING NEWS: New upstart venture Trump Nuclear announces start of business operations

Shockwaves reverberated all across the Military-Industrial Complex as word of a new player in the game of nuclear weapons was announced. But in a twist, this newest player has a very familiar name to it.

Today, the Trump Organization publicly announced the founding of its newest business venture, Trump Nuclear, which it says will focus on the research, development, production, marketing and distribution of nuclear energy, materials and weaponry across the globe.

“We’re here to offer our clients a variety of the finest products in fission technology,” a Trump Organization spokesperson said. “From specialized battlefield tactical nukes all the way up to massive thermonuclear hydrogen bombs, we aim to please by delivering products that not only provide maximum explosive firepower, but do so with the utmost level of panache and class.”

Trump Nuclear said their mission was to change the way countries and paramilitary organizations looked at nuclear proliferation, and to remove the red tape typically associated with development of such weapons by outsourcing it to the private sector, thus allowing a stress-free environment for those seeking to gain an added advantage in global geopolitics.

“And we’re going to have some fun with it, too,” the spokesperson enthused. “People think ‘nuclear weapons’ and they think dull, drab olive-green mechanical devices. Trump Nuclear is going to change that completely. All of our weaponry is going to come in a choice of silver, gold or platinum coating, signifying that the person detonating it will spare no expense in annihilating his or her sworn enemies.”

“And we’re going to have guaranteed two-day shipping for all products!” he added.

While the official grand opening of Trump Nuclear isn’t scheduled to take place until sometime this fall, the company has already been quietly been doing business on a beta-test level for several months. Trump Nuclear officials state that plans to develop the company began at some point in early 2021.

So far, sources say a review of the list of Trump Nuclear’s clients reveals both some familiar and expected names as well as some surprises.

“North Korea, Russia, and Saudi Arabia all have made inquiries,” one intelligence official said. “Also, Iran, which is a bit of a surprise given the level of antagonism that existed during the Trump administration. But I think the Trump Nuclear thinking on Iran is that if you can’t beat them, supply them.”

But not all countries looking to do business with Trump Nuclear were traditional rogue powers.

“There were a few names that came completely out of left field,” the intelligence official noted. “For example, Liechtenstein! That’s right—Liechtenstein! You can’t blame them, though. Little people wanting to think big. And when I say ‘little people,’ I’m not just speaking metaphorically. Honestly, I don’t think there was a Liechtensteiner government representative over 5 foot 8 at the sales pitch meeting.”

Besides officially recognized governmental entities, several paramilitary organizations and unrecognized nation states also have already sought out the services of Trump Nuclear. Representatives from the Islamic State, the Donetsk People’s Republic in Eastern Ukraine, and a confederation of separatist militias from Eastern Oregon have all either already purchased materials from Trump Nuclear or have inquired about doing so.

While the entry of Trump Nuclear into the weapons of mass destruction market has undoubtedly created a tremendous level of excitement, many questions still remain about the actual quality and effectiveness of the products being sold. Even Trump Nuclear has admitted that not all customers have been satisfied with the inventory stock so far.

“We have received at least one complaint so far,” a company spokesperson said. “Specifically, from the East Oregonian Nationalists. Apparently, the Donald Junior Tactical Explosive Device they had purchased from us failed to detonate outside the gate of a National Guard installation near Pendleton. And yes, they were initially quite upset about that. However, we reached out to them and quickly assuaged their concerns. They’re now currently at the top of the waiting list for the new Ivanka Boosted Fission Weapon that’s due out in December. Just in time for Christmas!”

Initial product related hiccups or not, one thing is certainly undeniable: Trump Nuclear wants to make a huge impact on consumers that they say will translate into a true game-changer when it comes Mutually Assured Worldwide Destruction.

“We’ve all seen the power of the Trump name,” the spokesperson said. “Whether it is casinos, steaks, vodka, airlines, universities or any number of products whose stories exemplify the unparalleled level of business success of the Trump Organization throughout the years, we could think of no product more fitting to bring it all to a fantastic conclusion than a Trump Nuclear weapon.”

DETAILS AT ELEVEN.

August 9, 2022

BREAKING NEWS: Trump makes impromptu 2024 announcement as federal agents search his estate

Approximately 20 minutes after first receiving word that his Mar-a-Lago estate in Palm Beach, Florida was in the process of being searched by FBI agents pursuant to a court-executed search warrant, former President Donald Trump formally announced he was seeking the Republican nomination for President in 2024.

Attempting to recapture the atmosphere of his original campaign announcement back in June 2015, Trump was seen once again descending down the golden escalator in his Manhattan office tower. A lone staffer stood behind him, holding up his phone upright and playing Neil Young’s “Rockin’ in the Free World” at maximum volume, until it was interrupted by a paid ad for eczema relief medication. Down at the base of the escalator, several employees of the Trump Ice Cream Parlor were marshalled out by Trump staff, who forcibly placed red “Make America Great Again” hats on their heads and instructed them to act as loyal supporters.

The former President took to a podium featuring a white cardboard placard with “Trump 2024” crudely written on it in black Sharpie marker. Wearing a white Trump National Golf Club Bedminster golf shirt featuring what appeared to be several prominent ketchup stains on it, staffers quickly placed a black blazer over Trump’s shoulders and a loosely knotted red necktie around his neck as he begun his speech.

“Today, at this moment, this very moment right now, exactly right now, I am announcing that I am once again seeking to become your President in order to make America great again,” Trump declared. “And of course, that means I am now officially by law and under threat of prosecution for treason exempt and immune from any sort of fake and phony law enforcement investigation of any kind, and that anyone wishing to conduct some ridiculous and baseless witch hunt must stop immediately.”

“I mean, as in right this very second,” he added to affect.

When one of the few members of the media who had managed to arrive at Trump Tower—given the short notice of the announcement—asked Trump as to what possible basis he had to make such a claim, the former President retorted that it was “in the Constitution” and that “a lot of people don’t know it’s in the Constitution, but it’s right there, right next to, you know, that other thing.”

One awkward moment occurred early on when Trump turned to acknowledge his family, only to realize that the only individual present was his younger daughter Tiffany, who appeared to have been brought on stage by Trump’s handlers without any prior knowledge or awareness as to why she was there.

“Oh, great, they brought f__g Tiffany, my least favorite kid,” the former President remarked, seemingly unaware that his comments were being captured by the microphone. “Tiffany. Great f__g job, guys. Really great. You couldn’t have tried a little harder to get someone in my family who actually f__g matters? Whatever. Let’s just get this done with, okay?”

It was later learned that Trump’s older daughter Ivanka was in Cayman Islands with her husband, Jared Kushner; eldest son Donald Trump, Jr. was reportedly vacationing in Culiacan, Mexico while his brother Eric was spending the week at Six Flags Great Adventure amusement park in nearby Jackson, New Jersey.

Reports say that Trump’s wife Melania could not make the announcement due to a previously scheduled conflict with her tennis pro lessons, and their son Barron simply expressed no interest in leaving his room to be at his father’s side for the event.

Expectedly, Trump’s speech was rather light on policy specifics, with one notable exception, as he expressed a desire to “defund the police.”

“But you know, just those ones,” Trump quickly added. “You know, the one’s down there now. Down there at Mar-a-Lago. Defund them. Like right now, okay? Time for them to go home. Time for them to go bye-bye.”

Trump also took time to attack potential GOP rivals for the 2024 nomination, although he appeared to struggle to come up with some of his patented nicknames that he frequently likes to give opponents.

“Let’s face it, I am the only one in the Republican Party who stands a chance to beat Old Sleepy Joe Biden in 2024,” the former President proclaimed. “Who else could they possibly get? Ron DeSantis? Ron…Ron…um…Ron...Ronny…Runny…Little Runny Ronny DeSantis? Give me a break.”

Despite the haphazard and impromptu nature of the announcement, Trump nonetheless managed to speak for roughly two and a half hours in rambling, scattershot fashion, covering a wide myriad of subjects such as gruesome and graphic descriptions of murders purportedly committed by undocumented immigrants, windmills, the “most beautiful” chocolate cake he served at Mar-a-Lago, why he would never enter a bicycle race, sex parties held on yachts owned by his late friend William Levitt, the “genius” of Vladimir Putin who once gave him a “most dazzling” soccer ball, windmills again, and the extreme hazards of walking down a 10 degree inclined ramp after addressing cadets at West Point.

Besides the announcement itself, the one other major surprise coming out of the former President’s speech was his proclamation that he had already chosen a running mate: his former Chief of Staff Mark Meadows.

Meadows was present at Trump’s announcement, although—much like Tiffany Trump—it appears he was procured there against his will and that he was not previously aware that the former President would be announcing his campaign that day or that he would be naming him as his running mate.

While the selection of a running mate typically does not occur until after a candidate has at least unofficially clinched his or her party’s nomination and around the time of the party’s convention, Trump said it was necessary to buck such traditions because of what he deemed “urgent circumstances.”

Specifically, Trump insisted without explanation that like Presidential candidates, Vice Presidential candidates are also immune from any and all prosecution. Furthermore, Trump claimed any and all conversations he has ever had--and will ever have--with Meadows are protected by what he termed as “Presidential-Vice Presidential privilege,” thus prohibiting Meadows from ever being compelled to testify against Trump under any circumstances.

“It’s right there in the Constitution,” Trump said.

DETAILS AT ELEVEN.